So here I am after another conversation with a guy about how he is sorry he moved too quickly, how he is scared of hurting me, how he doesn't feel like he could provide for a future with me, and he has to figure out his life first. This is a duplicate conversation of one I had with my ex back in August. It also reminded me of a year ago when Cory and I decided to go back to being friends after dating for 4 days until we got school situated and then we got together a month later. I feel like I am repeating past relationships. The only difference is that I already lived through that and I don't have the same patience and willpower because I don't want to get hurt again. Is that wrong of me? I saw this quote on Pinterest that I liked.
"Smart girls are over thinkers, the insecure ones, the different ones. They know what the real world is like. They analyze every little thing in life. Why? To avoid getting hurt. To find happiness. They stay up at night trying to think about every possible situation to get through all the problems. They think too much. They trust fewer people. Their insecurity proves their respect towards themselves. Of course they try to live away from drama filled life. Smart girls know their worth. Now those are the ones worth keeping by your side."So here I am at 1AM on a Thursday night being smart... thinking about how I can stop repeating my dating mistakes.
My heart is vulnerable from all sorts of hard things I have been going through lately. I don't like feeling vulnerable or the feeling that comes when you wonder what someone is doing or why you haven't heard from them. It makes me feel like I am "needy." I always considered that term negative and have done all I can to avoid being called such. But I decided to do a little research on the actual meaning of it. Dr Craig Malkin explains the reason for the behavior very well in an article he wrote called "How to Overcome Neediness." It is not because we want to feel needed, but because of a fear of being abandoned. This fear is rooted with people who were abandoned as children and neglected usually from divorce or their parent's being to caught up in their own lives. These fears, I admit, are real in my life. My parent's divorced when I was 13, which I am told is one of the toughest ages for one, and after that, my dad disappeared, I stopped trusting him, my mom became to busy working to support us that she didn't have time to attend my activities or have much "one on one" time with me. At the time, I never realized the emotional affects it would have on me. Now, I have a huge fear of "being alone" which includes divorce or losing friends. Obviously, the nagging fear that someone isn't calling because they don't like me anymore is a result of this childhood experience as well that has become, unfortunately, part of my personality. To understand more, read the article I mentioned.
I don't always feel needy though... not in every relationship. As long as my love language of quality time is being met, my needs are filled and this give me security. I don't need a "boyfriend" title. The guy I dated back in April is proof of that. We were never exclusive, never planned a future together, but he was always there and we spent almost every day together while I went on dates with other guys at the same time. He showed me that healthy drama free relationships were possible. I felt more fulfilled by his friendship than most boyfriends I have ever had. Why? because we spent time together and became such close friends that even though miles still separate us, we still turn to each other as friends. So many guys over-complicate things. They interpret my desire to spend time with them often as something more serious than it needs to be. I don't know why. After all of this reflecting, I realize that what I do know is that I want what I had in April back. A great friend that I could talk to about anything and everything and they had this magical way of making sense of the world and validating my feelings and making me feel appreciated and valued. I felt like I was home. I will never forget that feeling... and that is what I am looking for.
