General Conference

How does someone get answers to questions? Well, they ask them of course! General Conference is perfect for receiving those answers. I am grateful to my mom's example every 6 months as she would have us sit in front of the TV each conference session to show us just how important listening to the prophet's voice really is. She new which medicine would keep our spiritual immune system strong and healthy. Of course, when I was young, I would end up doodling pictures on my notebook instead of taking notes, but her example is a living testimony of the conviction to this gospel that my mom has.

I had a few questions this time: Is the pathway I am currently walking in life one I should continue on? How can I better support those I love with their schooling and callings? What can I do to help a few specific people around me who are struggling? How can I become a virtuous woman and valiant daughter of God?

Each speaker gave words of wisdom. There were many talks that touched my heart. I will just go through my favorites from each session. :)

Ann M Dibb
This semester I have a lot more free time that I would like. There is so much I could do with this time. I feel like her message reflected what I have been and still am working on since I came back to college. It was exactly what I needed. I focused mainly on the topic of "potential." Uchtdorf talked about a regret of many before passing away: not becoming who they could have and living up to their potential. Heavenly Father gives us time and Sister Dibb explained that we need to spend as much time with our spiritual growth as we do with school, work, movies, and music. How often do we spend our free time on Facebook or Netflix? There are so many better things we could be doing! As I said, I have been working on this and can honestly feel the world of a difference in myself and my perception of the reality of life. Recently, I have began doing Family History or going to the temple every Tuesday. I also began a more rigid workout schedule with P90X. When I am traveling to school on the bus, I listen to uplifting music or a podcast from one of the many CES firesides. And if I still have extra time, I try to think of small ways I can serve (this is a work in progress, but I will get to that later). Integrity is of utmost importance because we do what is right no matter who is watching. This characteristic of integrity along with conviction and confidence and giving our time to God really depict how I can and am become a virtuous woman.

Dieter F Uchtdorf
When Uchtdorf talked about the regret of not appreciating what we have and always wanting more, I felt impressed that what I have been doing with my life is exactly where I need to be. I have seen in my life and in others that we tend to live in the past where we were happy or in the future in dreams, but we forget today. I really like this quote:

"Fist I was dying to finish high school and start college. And then I was dying to finish college and start working. And then I was dying to marry and have children. And then I was dying for my children to grow old enough so I could get back to my career. And then I was dying to retire. And now I am dying... and suddenly realize that I forgot to live."

It follows along those same lines. Yes, I want to get married. I will admit to that. But he is right.... I need and want to focus on getting to know my boyfriend first before I seriously consider that. At a regional conference a month ago, Elder Nelson said that we can make right decisions at the the wrong time if we are not careful. If we dream too much, decisions will be made with too much haste and we will miss what is in front of us and possible make decisions at the wrong time. When I heard his talk, I knew that what I am doing and where I am going is what I need to keep doing. I have been learning and growing so much and will continue to do so in order to reach my true potential. (see, they all tie together)

Jefferey R Holland
I was in the conference center for his talk and I absolutely loved it! He is so powerful and I felt on fire as he spoke to my heart and soul. Not only did he use "smargosbord" (which is Swedish... tee hee) but he spoke about what it truly means to be a disciple of Jesus Christ and a Returned Missionary. I love how real the 12 disciples of Christ became as he elaborated on their points of view and how we relate to them. When Christ asked Peter three times "Do you love me?" I felt choked up. In the Gospel Principles book, under "obedience," it listed three reasons why we obey. 1. We fear the consequences. 2. We want the blessings that come from obedience. 3. We LOVE Him. Obeying out of love is true conversion because we are obeying for the right reason. I read this book on my mission called "A Love Like His." It really explains how we can let God's love into our lives and help others feel it as well. In other words, it explains that if we love God, then we will feed His sheep so they can feel his love as well which fulfills the greatest of all commandments:

30 And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment.
31 And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these. (Mark 12:30-31)

This book also talks about taking time to slow down. When we are always in a rush, that is when it is hardest to make time to serve those around us.

Linda K. Burton
Wow, these women of the church are amazing. She spoke about service which was another focus of mine. She simplified service in a way that really helped me--> "Observe and then serve." Service doesn't have to be planned out as a big Relief Society project. It is doing as Christ and many prophets and other examples have done in the past; each act of service was very individual and unique based on the person they were serving. I tried this out today. I was sitting on the bus going to school, and there was this girl wearing a red shirt sitting across from me that I felt prompted to talk to. Sad to say, I did not. Later, after institute, I was walking through a hallway I don't normally take and saw the same girl sitting on a bench doing homework. This time, I stopped to talk for 15 minutes. She is amazing and has been thinking about serving a mission herself. I don't know what was accomplished during that conversation, but I felt uplifted. Observe and then serve. Such simple and profound advice from a daughter of God.

Henry B. Eyring
I enjoyed his story about how when he was trying to decide what to do at college, he asked his wife what she thought and completely trusted that her impression came from God because he felt that his own mind had a "pavilion" blocking his divine aid. Her response to this was that he needed to also receive this answer himself. The ability to receive those answers is very important. This talk made me think of my current life... which is school and dating. Yes, I need to find someone who I completely trust their answers in prayer (which I have and he is amazing!), but I need to receive confirmation in my own life that it be right. Not because I don't trust his answer, but because having that relationship with my Heavenly Father is the most important to me. He is the one that knows me best and what I can handle. I can do anything with him in my life if it is his will. He makes my weaknesses into strengths. Happily, I did pray about dating my boyfriend and I feel that the pathway I am on right now is the right one and I just need to continue to learn and grow both at school and spiritually and he will guide me and take care of me. I also felt that, just as Eyring's wife supported him with his schooling and decisions, I too can learn to support and encourage my boyfriend in his schooling.

I enjoyed many of the other talks. I learned a lot about missionary work and families. Each talk impacted my life or reconfirmed already strong beliefs. As my institute teacher says, "Now go home and apply what you have learned. Otherwise, your time listening to me teach today was pointless." We are constantly changing daily. Progress means change. If you are not progressing, you are digressing. Therefor, if you haven't changed from these talks, I encourage you to go back to search, ponder, and pray. This modern day revelation is what we need today to become a modern army of Helaman. I can promise that as you apply these gospel principles in your daily lives, not only will you feel joy in all you do, but you will begin to see the world in a clearer and more Christ-like view. I love it!

"I will let the love of God touch the depths of my heart and mold me into the person I should be. I will make love the center of my being and all I do."

Steps in Relationships. (to me)

My friend Amy tells me that "communication fails." I always thought this was an interesting theory. She explained that we each go through different experiences that shape the meaning behind words and our point of view on life and people around us. Since we all go through our own experiences, no matter how much we try to describe what we mean, the listener will interpret what the speaker says based upon their own personal experiences. Thus, the real meaning is lost and communication fails. That is why I say pay attention to more what I do then what I say because actions show character.

Despite the communication failure theory, I still think talking and honest open communication is very important. We will never understand where someone is coming from unless they explain it to us. The only way we will every truly understand is with the guidance of the spirit. Christ has experienced what we all have gone through and therefor can communicate to us through the spirit what we need to know and understand about someone. I have felt that on multiple occasions.

For those who want to know me a little better, I have decided to attempt at describing what different action mean to me. In the process, I think I will understand myself just a little bit better.

1. Short Eye Contact aka Eye flirting. If this happens several times within an our, go talk to them!
2. Long Eye Contact If you hold eye contact with someone for more that a 5 seconds, either you are a missionary or you like this person. There is something about eye contact that makes me feel like someone is staring into my soul and breaking down some kind of invisible barrier. It does not mean "I want to kiss you." Whoever had that idea was wrong.
3. Short Hug Just friends... simply put.
4. Long Hug Either you are family or they are saying that their time with you has been amazing. They don't want to let go because that means saying goodbye and they are avoiding that.
5. Compliments Coming from the right person, it makes me feel adored. It causes me to want to shower that person with more of my attention and love.
6. Back and Hand Massages For me, this is a way to serve those I care for. It can be a little flirty too because I want to show off my skills. ;)
7. Random Texts I am thinking of you.

====This is where things move from I think you are pretty cool to I like you===

8. Cuddling I feel comfortable around you.
9. Private hand holding I want to get to know you more and see where this leads down the road.
10. Long Conversations Communication is important to me. If I can talk with someone for a long time, that definitely shows how interested I am in the person. That time talking reveals a lot and shows a connection that I might have with them. It shows how well someone can listen to me and how well we can relate. If you can't relate, the relationship fades, thus showing that this person is not worth your time.
11. Giving gifts I would not spend money on someone else's husband for noreason. I have to really really like the person to buy them something and to go out my way to do cute surprises. When someone does this for me, it signifies that they really like me. But it does not make me feel loved.
12. A kiss on the cheek I really like you, but I respect you enough to not kiss you until I am committed.
13. Glances and nudges in public. Even though I can't be near you right now, I still want you to know how much you mean to me.
14. Future Plans This is a hint that leads to a more committed relationship. It shows that the person is planning on having you in their life for a while. If this is done more "just for fun," it feels like leading the other person on.
15. Jealousy This is a good key indicator that if you do not like seeing someone you like with someone else, you might want to have a DTR. I feel flattered if a guy gets jealous (if I like him... otherwise I feel bad) because it means he doesn't want to see me with anyone else but himself. If I am jealous, I usually want that guy to become my boyfriend. (*point on usually)

---------This is the line where things move from "I like you." to "I want to date you." in my book.-------

16. Public hand holding I want everyone to know how much I like you because I do not want others to date you. You are mine and I am proud of it.
17. A small peck You are special to me.
18. A long kiss I am falling for you.
19. A hello/goodbye kiss I missed you/ I am going to miss you.
20. Saying "I love you" To me this means "I really can see this going somewhere special and I want to give this relationship as much as I can. My happiness is reliant on your happiness." It is a phrase filled with commitment.
21. Sacrifice I real relationship takes sacrifice. It is no longer about me and what I want. If I love someone, I will do whatever I can to make them happy whether it is making them lunch and taking it to them out of my way, running an errand for them, moving my schedule to fit theirs because they are busy with school or work, etc. A healthy relationship is where both people make sacrifices for each other and it is not just one sided (I have seen that happen to a lot of people and it falls apart if it is one sided)
22. Intro to the family By intro, I mean actually spending time and hanging out with the family. Not a quick intro. It means that this is someone who I want my family to get to know because I think it is possible they could become something more in the future and I want my family's opinion about them. (of coarse this can be dependent on whether or not you were just friends when you met them or not... it is a good chance to see them for who they really are... and thus could be in the "I like you" section as well. That is not normally the case for me though.)

I don't know when I changed, but that line was very fuzzy a few years ago. The more I date, the more I realize how much different actions mean to me. To be honest, even I am not perfect in following my own definitions of what each action means to me. I sometimes get caught up in the moment and skip over a step and fumble. But I do know that actions speak louder than words. I guess I am defining these because I have gone on 1000s of dates in my life and there are a lot of misinterpretations which only lead to sorrow and confusion. I do not want to kiss a guy just because we had a really fun date. I want to kiss a guy because I have fallen for him and he is someone I can see myself with for quite some time. I want holding hands, cuddling, and all that cute stuff that comes with dating to actually mean something to me. I do not want to turn back into that "cuddle slut" I called myself before my mission because I am a daughter of God and I do not think he would be happy if he saw mine or anyone else's actions leading someone on to getting hurt later down the road.

I guess the key to a real relationship moving at the correct pace and being interpreted correctly is through the spirit. Just as I said, where communication is misunderstood, the spirit can fill in the gaps and lead us in daily decisions. The hard part is following those promptings and being open for the chance that we could get hurt as well. Healthy humble communication is a work in progress. At least now any guy who reads this blog will understand what they should/n't do when dating me.

The Rhythm of Life

We all have a song that describes our life similar to one of those 20 minute long symphony pieces where it flows in and out of different tempos transitioning from pianissimo to forte within short and long periods of time. These kind of pieces draw us and and our heart moves with it. They describe a story and paint a picture with each beautiful note. The question is, what kind of music is describing my life? How is my rhythm affecting those listening?

Yes, I believe that music really affects us and those around us. Why is that? I am the kind of person who likes to listen to music that matches my mood. Sunday: spiritual MoTab, EFY, Paul Cardel, etc. Relationship drama: Kelly Clarkson, Hoobastank, Jason Mraz, We the Kings, Jordan Sparks, Good Charlotte, Taylor Swift, etc. Chillin with my friends: Spice Girls (haha), Linkin Park, Cold Play, ABBA, Rascal Flats, Enchanted, etc. Hip hop time: Flo Rider, Rihanna, Jason Derulo, etc. What does listening to music that relays my current emotion do? All it does is emphasize that emotion and make it more prominent. In some cases, that could be healthy. In other's not so much. For example, hip hop is great. I love dancing and expressing myself. But if I am not careful, some of those lyrics can be inappropriate according to my beliefs and will influence me in a negative way. Another example... a breakup or someone does something annoying. If you listen to music that relates to those, all it will do is make you more upset about the situation and the music influences you once more. Music really does affect our emotions and desires; it affects our attitudes and behaviors.

There were several occasions over the past month where this realization of music affecting who we are stood out to me. One was when I just sat with your friend my friend (we will call her Kay). She is someone who I have always looked up to, and in that moment, I noticed the kind of person I want to be when I am around her. It hit me mainly when we were sitting around the kitchen table after discussing our upcoming camping trip and listening to music trying to get ideas of what to listen to during the many hours of driving. The only kind of music I wanted to listen to around Kay was wholesome and uplifting... not the kind of music that we hear on the radio every day. It hit me once more when I visited my friend (we will call him Joe) at his new apt at college. He was doing an apt check while I chilled on the couch. The music playing from Joe's room was very calming and gave my mind room to think feel at ease. This friend is also someone who I would not want to listen to certain music around. Then once more I felt the influence of music last week. I had just started school and was confused over many things had happened over the previous week with boys and roommates and whether or not I made the right decision in not returning to USU. I could have dwelled on these matters, but instead, I turned on my Sunday track and opened up my scriptures. I felt peace that Heavenly Father is looking out for me. I think about the blessings he has given me lately and could not be more grateful for them. He has given me uplifting friends, a nice apt, random people on campus to help me out whether it is rides to FHE and school, a new friend or two on the bus, or free lunch for a day. He is taking care of me.

Anyway, music has a large influence in our lives every day. I hope we can clear out the kind that pulls us into negative emotions and only listen to uplifting music that brings smiles to our faces. For example, the song Firework by Katy Perry makes me feel like I can do anything... I love it! I love life. And I love the gospel not only for the truths it teaches, but for the kind of person it is making me into. It is creating the next movement of my symphony into a beautiful melodic chapter of my life. I only pray to transform it into a masterpiece that will influence those around me for the better.

New Leaf. :)

I have been home from my mission for 5 months now and what have I done with my time? As far as any blog reader might see, it appears that I complain about boys or singles wards or whatever is bothering me at the time. I am done complaining. No one likes a complainer... I know I don't. People who are down on themselves are not fun to be around. (of coarse we all need a listening ear once in a while, but who am I kidding to think an online public blog is the best place for that?)

Anyway, I am turning over a new leaf. I am going to do what every other LDS blogger does in the state of Utah and share my uplifting insights with the world. Which could be something I read in the scriptures for the day, a miracle that happened, or even an tale to tell of an adventure I went on.

To begin, I have a story: During my 2nd transfer on my mission, all the sister missionaries were given a miracle calendar. I didn't think anything of it at first. Each day we would write down a miracle or 2 for the day. It wasn't until I was going through a rough time that I pulled out my old calendars and realized just how much Heavenly Father blesses me each and every day and I really have no reason to be sad. Those memories carried me through the next year.

Since I have been home, I have seen 1000s of miracles. Where to begin?
1. My JobWhen I found my job, I applied at midnight, followed by the interview on day 2, and started working Monday where I found out only 10% of applicants are accepted. Miracle, eller hur?
2. Finding my car. It was listed on KSL for 4500 when my budget was 3500, but we felt like checking it out anyway. It was well taken care of, low mileage, v6 engine, power seats, cruise control, auto start, good radio system, Toyota Camry, etc. I was willing to pay 4100, but the guy selling it said that we were such honest people that he gave it to me for 3700... much lower than blue book value. MIRACLE!
3. Family My relationship with my dad is amazing. After my mission, I find that I now can sit and talk to my dad in the kitchen for hours on end. He even gave me a real birthday present this year instead of relying on my mom to choose one... I felt very touched by that. Long lasting miracle.
4. Families are forever. Every single member of my immediate family are all still active members of the church. I have seen many families split apart when Satan gets in the way. When I think about how we are all striving for that eternal goal, it brings me great joy.
5. True friends. They are few and far between, but they are there. People accept you for you and sincerely care about you should be held close and cherished. I had the opportunity to live with my married best friend for a month while her husband was on a work trip. And next week I am headed to Zions with 3 people who mean the world to me. Friendship does last forever.
6. Life's Lessons. Lessons learned turn into miracles because we would have never learned from them if we hadn't gone through that hard time. I have learned this summer what I am looking for in a future husband from the many 1st dates I have been on. I have learned that I like to feel needed at work and in life and if I am not progressing, I feel restless. I have learned that when all is said and done, the gospel really is the foundation of our lives that keeps us steady through the storms in life. Lessons given to us from life are miralces!
7. Time. Today I went on a long walk with my mom where we talked about memories in time, boys, family, ourselves, goals, etc. That time is precious to me. I work 50 hrs/week and barely have time for myself, so it was a gift to be with my mom.

I could list off so many others. Miracles happen every day of our lives. This blog today was inspired by a few things. First, I started to read the Book of Mormon again and I read the first verse. When I read "born of goodly parents," my mind started to wander to my mom. She is someone I admire and would love to become. She always puts her kids before herself. How can I become someone like her? The second inspiration came from a friend who a few weeks ago read my previous blog and called me and mentioned how worried he was. I do not want people to see me in that light. Thirdly, this same said person spreads their own light to others and I want to do the same. I want to become the best me I can. I believe that having a blog focused on inspiration will help me grow and reflect on things that matter most. Everything we choose to do in life begins with our actions. It is never too late to choose to grow from good to better. My time is now.

"Singles" Wards

I always loved singles ward up at college and whenever someone told me how much they disliked them,I never understood why... until now. What is the difference? Is it because I served a mission? Or maybe the ward members? Or maybe the location of the ward. Either way, I am not a fan of them at all.

Singles Ward Observations:

Girls try to hard to impress the guys, there are too many "on my mission..." stories, reverence at in the sacrament room is very limited before the meeting begins, and the mention of dating and getting married is brought into every lesson and opportunity available.

Family Ward Observations:

The women don't care as much about themselves but care more about those around them, in the lessons everyone draws off of current real life situations we all relate to, besides the kids that like to play in the seats, each parent is attentively listening and there to learn, and the gospel principles are the only thing taught within all the lessons.

Okay, so maybe I am over-exaggerating, but honestly, I would much rather attend a family ward than my singles ward. I don't fit in there anymore. The reason I say this is because your ward is supposed to be a family, right? You take care for each other and watch over each other. Not in a singles ward. How many girls in my Relief Society even notice me? There is not very much relief for me there. I wanted to change that. I tried to get to know the girls. I threw a party just for them so I could sincerely learn about all of these amazing daughters of God. I wrote out invitations, asked around to see when would be good, etc. I picked a day that I know I least 7 girls said for sure they would be able to make it. I bought refreshments, decorated, etc. I was so excited to finally make some progress in the ward. The time comes... no one is here. It is Mormon standard time, right? I am sure they will come. 1.5 hours come and even those who texted they would be late do not show up. I guess there is a reason it is called a "singles" ward. Family does not exist there... at least not as far as I can see. The frustrating part of this all is how much it bothers me. I want friends in my ward, I want to feel important and needed and wanted at church. Since I have been home, there have been no visiting teachers or home teachers. Nothing. People only come to find a husband and move on with their lives.

For all you single people reading this, take some time to think. How many people do you remember from your past singles wards? How many of those people do you keep in touch with? How often do you put on a smiling face to say "Hello, how are you?" and really want to know how that person is doing? When I ask, "how are you?" I mean it.... or I try to. I love it when people are honest and tell me about their week and share with me what brought them joy or happiness.

To complete the circle, I will go back to the difference between my ward now compared to my college ward. My ward in Logan was amazing. We were all friends with each other. Half of us who went there lived outside the boundaries, but we refused to leave because we felt like family and belonged there. If I missed a single day of church, someone noticed and would give me a call to see if I was okay. I loved it. I miss it. I learned a great deal about reaching out and loving everyone around me. I pray that each ward can get over their difference and spread the love of God to those around them.

The Dating Game

Let me explain my least favorite game in the world. It is one I lose at because I try to break the rules. I want to play it my own way, but the society around me keeps telling me otherwise. This is THE DATING GAME.

Meat Week
The dating game begins with "meat week" both in church and at school where everyone dresses up each day as if they are going to the prom and is on the look out for the single people they can sit by and flirt with.

The Interview
Following the meeting and greeting, eventually an exchange of numbers is made. You no longer have to dress up as a public resume, but now you have to go in for an interview. What is your major? How many people are in your family? What are your dreams? Worst fears? etc. The list goes on and on and on.

Training Period
Most great jobs have a test you have to pass at the end of training. I guess this is the time you train the other person about your expectations and you over exaggarate just how "amazing" you are so you can get the position. My dad says that any guy dating me is at his best. If I don't like him while dating him, there is no way I will like him when I get married. Very true. The test is finally the big DTR. Determine the relationship. "are we a couple?" "are we just friends?"

Quarterly Review
Okay, so eventually, the training went well. They proved to perform AMAZING on their test. But after 3 months, you usually need another DTR. You have come to understand who each other is. You can see the growth that each other has had over the past 3 months. The efforts put in initially start to die down and you are left with reality. Am I really cut out for this job? Is this my dream job I want? or am I settling?

A raise
The raise might be a better position or more money. Either way, we all like raises, right? the Engagement comes, the knot gets tied, and you are eternally happy, right?


Well, I guess the point is, dating is predictable. I am tired of the interview. It is silly how we spend so much time trying to convince someone to like us based upon our accomplishments and talents when in all reality it is how well your personalities mesh together that matter. Shania Twain's song "that don't impress me much" is SO true. I could care less if you were in a band or made 100,000 a year after graduation or built your own house or were a computer programmer for Pixar or fly an airplane. This is all great, but my real question is; do I enjoy your company? Can we talk? Lets just hang out, be friends, and we will find out. When the time is right, it will be right. I don't want to care what I look like for a specific person. I don't want to talk to a guy and have him think I am interested in him. I want friends. If something happens, so be it. But I am not looking for a boyfriend. I am looking for friends that uplift me and I enjoy being around. The pressure of being in a relationship and getting married leaves when your perspective changes. I don't care if saying I just want to hang out and have fun is breaking the rules of the game, but if it is, so be it. If anyone is with me, hit me up. We will chill, have fun, and come what may and love it. PEACE!

6 Destructive Ds.

I often find myself disappointed with life. Why is that? There is no reasonable reason. To be frank, it is the adversary's way to sneak into the lives of those who are on the strait and narrow path. I just read today that the Six Destructive Ds are doubt, discouragement, distraction, lack of diligence, disobedience, and disbelief which all erode and destroy our faith. It is true... it is the frog in water experiment. We are slowly lead away as we get focused on everything wrong going on in our lives. I can see it happening in my life right now:

I get home expecting a job to fall in my lap and a man on my arm and schooling to flow into my life with ease. Boy was I setting myself up, wasn't I? We all saw that happening. Well, I began to doubt that my life would ever get organized. I became discouraged as I saw everything fall apart. I was denied from BYU, there was no chemistry with the guy who waited for me, and I sat at home day in and day out distracted by the idea of life. I did not want to face that everything fell apart. I did not want to accept the change that occurred in my life. This distraction lead to be the only living thought in my head. I tried to not think about it... I hung out with old friends I had not seen in a while, watched conference, went on dates, etc. It availed to nothing. I don't fit in my old life anymore. I felt out of place and tried to rush life. What happens when you become rushed? You forget the things that matter most. I have found it hard to read my scriptures every day. I have found myself sleeping in more. I have found myself sinking into old habits. My diligence is lacking and I know it. And that is where I am today as I write this blog. All it took was 3 weeks. I want to cry. I want to rewind. I want to return to being a missionary where you never had to worry about yourself. But the fact is, I am here now. I am back in the world.

I have heard time and time again, the world is like the ocean. If you are not moving constantly towards the shore each day, the tide will drag you in. I REFUSE to let the next D happen. I have been attending the temple each week, and the simple answer I get to the confusing mess I am in is to continually read the scriptures each day. It is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Having faith that Heavenly Father is taking care of your life is a choice. Challenging times require greater spiritual power. Consider carefully the Savior’s promise: “If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me” How do we gain this spiritual power? Prayer and scripture study. Why is it so hard? Because the adversary does not want us to be happy.

I found a great talk called "Home From a Mission." I guess what I am going through is quite normal? The hardest part of it all for me is going through it alone. Just like the talk said, I put on an act in front of those I care about. I do not want others to worry. I keep telling myself before I hit the call button, "Why do you need to go complain to someone now? You didn't as a missionary." Then I close my phone and get on my knees. That doesn't help me from feeling lost and confused with my life. Happily, I got a job, but is this where I am needed? I do not know. I don't feel guided or comforted by any decision I make. I don't feel needed or wanted here in Utah. All I want right now are some close friends who really want me in their lives. Is that too much to ask for? Maybe I will just disappear for now. No one would even notice. ugh... okay, so i am just typing the thoughts in my head right now, but this is how I feel. I want to start over. But I am impatient. I want a new life now. I am so stubborn. I want to feel wanted.

It all goes back to our savior Jesus Christ in the end. How much faith do I have in him? How often am I turning to him each day? Am I doing everything he asks of me before I think of myself? I know where I am struggling. And those personal daily decisions to follow our saviors example are within our control. There are 5 things needed on a daily basis for a 5star day: Daily Scripture study, daily prayer, service, a smile, and a sacred grove moment. I know I can make a change starting NOW. Wish me luck! (aka... pray for me)

Honey! I'm home!

Can you believe it? After 18 months of service to Heavenly Father, I have returned from a full time mission. I never thought this day would come. While I was in Sweden, my life here at home felt like a dream. It was as if I had always been a missionary my entire life and all those missionaries who went home were not really home. They were serving somewhere else. I thought of it like the movie "The Island." Maybe our life before the mission was only programmed into our heads and when we were "going home," our clones in the real world needed us. haha. joking. But I honestly felt like I could and would be a missionary forever. The people in Sweden became my family. I loved them there. I loved the language. I loved focusing on everyone except for myself. Missionary work is one of the most fulfilling callings God can give us.

There were a lot of ups and downs on my mission. They say that a mission is 50 years of emotions and experiences crammed into 2 years (in my case, 18 months). I agree with this. With the greatest downs come the greatest ups. And those amazing moments make the entire experience worth it. I will give you a summary of my mission:
MTC: spiritual bootcamp where I realized I knew nothing and my testimony was broken down and rebuilt on a true foundation of Christ
I arrived in Norrkoping, Sweden and had culture shock. I had taken everything at home for granted and felt VERY homesick.
We had my first baptism. His name is Samuel. He is full of interesting ideas... many of which I could barely understand with my limited Swedish, but he had the faith of a Child which is all one needs to enter the kingdom of God.
We had a creepy stalker guy that I had nightmares about and would see everywhere.
I transferred to Goteborg, Sweden into a ward comparable to Utah and become an institute missionary. After 3 weeks, Fadi was baptized.
I felt pressured by the ward to do everything that was right and would get really down on myself when I made mistakes.
After weeks of cleaning tobacco out of his apartment and going through a quit smoking program, Christer entered the waters of baptism and was baptized by his son. The moment in the water embraced in each other’s arms brought tears to my eyes. This moment reminded me of the joy of the atonement and the love of God that he has for each and every one of us.
I was sad to leave. I had many ideas I wanted to bring to the area and I did not feel that my work was finished here. God had other plans. I was transferred to Uppsala to be tried in patience that I had never experienced before in my life.
The focus on strengthening the members was brought into play with our new Mission President. We developed memorable relationships and brought many to the knowledge of our savior Jesus Christ. Many testimonies were strengthened.
We were suddenly doubling out of the area. Whitewashing Uppsala. After my 4 months there and all the progress made, I felt very confused. Why? I asked that question many times and learned that we need to trust that Heavenly Father is taking care of this work.
Ely was baptized as a member of the church. She clung to my side and said it felt like a wedding and I was giving her away to Christ. She was so beautiful!
I had such amazing companions that I felt like it was too good to be true. I was having too much fun and started to get distracted because of it. Lesson learned... being companions with a best friend is not smart.
The reason I was needed to be in Goteborg came: Maria. The amazing daughter of God said she didn't believe in God, was not Mormon, hated Sister missionaries, etc. I became a friend to her. Slowly, her opinion changed and she came back to activity and now wants to serve a mission. Her change made my mission feel like it was fulfilled. I couldn't be happier as I saw her return to to temple.
Christmas did not feel the same this year. No snow (the previous year it was up to our waists in some areas), no presents (they were late), institute was closed, etc. I found myself comparing it too much to my greenie transfer where I felt like family.
I felt like a tool in God's hands. Zaher got baptized along with Khalil, Jan/Ali, and Li. They were prepared and are some of the strongest converts I know. I am very thankful to be a part of that beautiful experience. :)
Emergency transfers happened to me 2 times... which was hard because I loved my companions at the time and the sudden move took quite the adjustment.
My last transfer in Gavle was the best I had ever worked. We worked out to P90X every morning(with permission) and we used every second of every day being 100% obedient... the most accomplished I have ever felt on my mission. Miracle after miracle happened as we found several families to teach the gospel of Jesus Christ to followed by Annicka coming back to church my last Sunday and promising to follow the example of Christ and renew her baptismal covenant each week at church.
My grandpa received pancreatic cancer while I was in Goteborg. I went through a hard time when I found out and even had to talk to my grandpa with how much pain he was in so he could leave in peace. One month before I finished my mission, I received a phone call from my mission president telling me that he had passed on. I was a tearful wreck. Throughout the process, many amazing priesthood blessings were given and I was comforted. I know my grandpa has a work to perform on the other side and that is why he went from fit as a fiddle to gone in 3 months.
I learned how to love the way that Christ did. The book "A Heart Like His" changed my life. I learned that a mission is based on this love. Without it, nothing can be accomplished. I wanted to cry because of the love I felt for those people I met each and every day. This love drove me until my very last day.
I was not accepted into BYU. All of my plans for after the mission disappeared within moments and I felt utterly lost and confused.
Doing splits with the sisters 2 times in my mission was wonderful. It is amazing the impact you can have on people when you know you will only be with them for but a short time. I was surprised with my own boldness, confidence, and knowledge that came.

Looking back and months after the fact, you see the influence and effect you had on other people. You see how much you yourself have grown. I know now without a doubt how much Heavenly Father loves me. He watched out for me and placed me exactly where I was needed when I was needed. I know that the atonement is real. In a situation where you cannot call your mom or your best friend or even go watch a movie to relax, I learned how to rely on Him who suffered for each and every one of us. I felt his love and his comfort and I learned how to rely on him with every decision I made. One of the most important lessons I learned was how to raise my future family in the gospel. I am truly grateful for that lesson. If we are not teaching our children, the world will... its influence is real.

I already miss the land of Sweden. I miss Swedish. I miss worrying about others and not myself. I feel very blessed for the knowledge I obtained there. It has changed my life.


Welcome to the new Kendra.