6 Destructive Ds.

I often find myself disappointed with life. Why is that? There is no reasonable reason. To be frank, it is the adversary's way to sneak into the lives of those who are on the strait and narrow path. I just read today that the Six Destructive Ds are doubt, discouragement, distraction, lack of diligence, disobedience, and disbelief which all erode and destroy our faith. It is true... it is the frog in water experiment. We are slowly lead away as we get focused on everything wrong going on in our lives. I can see it happening in my life right now:

I get home expecting a job to fall in my lap and a man on my arm and schooling to flow into my life with ease. Boy was I setting myself up, wasn't I? We all saw that happening. Well, I began to doubt that my life would ever get organized. I became discouraged as I saw everything fall apart. I was denied from BYU, there was no chemistry with the guy who waited for me, and I sat at home day in and day out distracted by the idea of life. I did not want to face that everything fell apart. I did not want to accept the change that occurred in my life. This distraction lead to be the only living thought in my head. I tried to not think about it... I hung out with old friends I had not seen in a while, watched conference, went on dates, etc. It availed to nothing. I don't fit in my old life anymore. I felt out of place and tried to rush life. What happens when you become rushed? You forget the things that matter most. I have found it hard to read my scriptures every day. I have found myself sleeping in more. I have found myself sinking into old habits. My diligence is lacking and I know it. And that is where I am today as I write this blog. All it took was 3 weeks. I want to cry. I want to rewind. I want to return to being a missionary where you never had to worry about yourself. But the fact is, I am here now. I am back in the world.

I have heard time and time again, the world is like the ocean. If you are not moving constantly towards the shore each day, the tide will drag you in. I REFUSE to let the next D happen. I have been attending the temple each week, and the simple answer I get to the confusing mess I am in is to continually read the scriptures each day. It is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Having faith that Heavenly Father is taking care of your life is a choice. Challenging times require greater spiritual power. Consider carefully the Savior’s promise: “If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me” How do we gain this spiritual power? Prayer and scripture study. Why is it so hard? Because the adversary does not want us to be happy.

I found a great talk called "Home From a Mission." I guess what I am going through is quite normal? The hardest part of it all for me is going through it alone. Just like the talk said, I put on an act in front of those I care about. I do not want others to worry. I keep telling myself before I hit the call button, "Why do you need to go complain to someone now? You didn't as a missionary." Then I close my phone and get on my knees. That doesn't help me from feeling lost and confused with my life. Happily, I got a job, but is this where I am needed? I do not know. I don't feel guided or comforted by any decision I make. I don't feel needed or wanted here in Utah. All I want right now are some close friends who really want me in their lives. Is that too much to ask for? Maybe I will just disappear for now. No one would even notice. ugh... okay, so i am just typing the thoughts in my head right now, but this is how I feel. I want to start over. But I am impatient. I want a new life now. I am so stubborn. I want to feel wanted.

It all goes back to our savior Jesus Christ in the end. How much faith do I have in him? How often am I turning to him each day? Am I doing everything he asks of me before I think of myself? I know where I am struggling. And those personal daily decisions to follow our saviors example are within our control. There are 5 things needed on a daily basis for a 5star day: Daily Scripture study, daily prayer, service, a smile, and a sacred grove moment. I know I can make a change starting NOW. Wish me luck! (aka... pray for me)