I often find myself disappointed with life. Why is that? There is no reasonable reason. To be frank, it is the adversary's way to sneak into the lives of those who are on the strait and narrow path. I just read today that the Six Destructive Ds are doubt, discouragement, distraction, lack of diligence, disobedience, and disbelief which all erode and destroy our faith. It is true... it is the frog in water experiment. We are slowly lead away as we get focused on everything wrong going on in our lives. I can see it happening in my life right now:
I get home expecting a job to fall in my lap and a man on my arm and schooling to flow into my life with ease. Boy was I setting myself up, wasn't I? We all saw that happening. Well, I began to doubt that my life would ever get organized. I became discouraged as I saw everything fall apart. I was denied from BYU, there was no chemistry with the guy who waited for me, and I sat at home day in and day out distracted by the idea of life. I did not want to face that everything fell apart. I did not want to accept the change that occurred in my life. This distraction lead to be the only living thought in my head. I tried to not think about it... I hung out with old friends I had not seen in a while, watched conference, went on dates, etc. It availed to nothing. I don't fit in my old life anymore. I felt out of place and tried to rush life. What happens when you become rushed? You forget the things that matter most. I have found it hard to read my scriptures every day. I have found myself sleeping in more. I have found myself sinking into old habits. My diligence is lacking and I know it. And that is where I am today as I write this blog. All it took was 3 weeks. I want to cry. I want to rewind. I want to return to being a missionary where you never had to worry about yourself. But the fact is, I am here now. I am back in the world.
I have heard time and time again, the world is like the ocean. If you are not moving constantly towards the shore each day, the tide will drag you in. I REFUSE to let the next D happen. I have been attending the temple each week, and the simple answer I get to the confusing mess I am in is to continually read the scriptures each day. It is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Having faith that Heavenly Father is taking care of your life is a choice. Challenging times require greater spiritual power. Consider carefully the Savior’s promise: “If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me” How do we gain this spiritual power? Prayer and scripture study. Why is it so hard? Because the adversary does not want us to be happy.
I found a great talk called "Home From a Mission." I guess what I am going through is quite normal? The hardest part of it all for me is going through it alone. Just like the talk said, I put on an act in front of those I care about. I do not want others to worry. I keep telling myself before I hit the call button, "Why do you need to go complain to someone now? You didn't as a missionary." Then I close my phone and get on my knees. That doesn't help me from feeling lost and confused with my life. Happily, I got a job, but is this where I am needed? I do not know. I don't feel guided or comforted by any decision I make. I don't feel needed or wanted here in Utah. All I want right now are some close friends who really want me in their lives. Is that too much to ask for? Maybe I will just disappear for now. No one would even notice. ugh... okay, so i am just typing the thoughts in my head right now, but this is how I feel. I want to start over. But I am impatient. I want a new life now. I am so stubborn. I want to feel wanted.
It all goes back to our savior Jesus Christ in the end. How much faith do I have in him? How often am I turning to him each day? Am I doing everything he asks of me before I think of myself? I know where I am struggling. And those personal daily decisions to follow our saviors example are within our control. There are 5 things needed on a daily basis for a 5star day: Daily Scripture study, daily prayer, service, a smile, and a sacred grove moment. I know I can make a change starting NOW. Wish me luck! (aka... pray for me)
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Honey! I'm home!
Can you believe it? After 18 months of service to Heavenly Father, I have returned from a full time mission. I never thought this day would come. While I was in Sweden, my life here at home felt like a dream. It was as if I had always been a missionary my entire life and all those missionaries who went home were not really home. They were serving somewhere else. I thought of it like the movie "The Island." Maybe our life before the mission was only programmed into our heads and when we were "going home," our clones in the real world needed us. haha. joking. But I honestly felt like I could and would be a missionary forever. The people in Sweden became my family. I loved them there. I loved the language. I loved focusing on everyone except for myself. Missionary work is one of the most fulfilling callings God can give us.
There were a lot of ups and downs on my mission. They say that a mission is 50 years of emotions and experiences crammed into 2 years (in my case, 18 months). I agree with this. With the greatest downs come the greatest ups. And those amazing moments make the entire experience worth it. I will give you a summary of my mission:
MTC: spiritual bootcamp where I realized I knew nothing and my testimony was broken down and rebuilt on a true foundation of Christ
I arrived in Norrkoping, Sweden and had culture shock. I had taken everything at home for granted and felt VERY homesick.
We had my first baptism. His name is Samuel. He is full of interesting ideas... many of which I could barely understand with my limited Swedish, but he had the faith of a Child which is all one needs to enter the kingdom of God.
We had a creepy stalker guy that I had nightmares about and would see everywhere.
I transferred to Goteborg, Sweden into a ward comparable to Utah and become an institute missionary. After 3 weeks, Fadi was baptized.
I felt pressured by the ward to do everything that was right and would get really down on myself when I made mistakes.
After weeks of cleaning tobacco out of his apartment and going through a quit smoking program, Christer entered the waters of baptism and was baptized by his son. The moment in the water embraced in each other’s arms brought tears to my eyes. This moment reminded me of the joy of the atonement and the love of God that he has for each and every one of us.
I was sad to leave. I had many ideas I wanted to bring to the area and I did not feel that my work was finished here. God had other plans. I was transferred to Uppsala to be tried in patience that I had never experienced before in my life.
The focus on strengthening the members was brought into play with our new Mission President. We developed memorable relationships and brought many to the knowledge of our savior Jesus Christ. Many testimonies were strengthened.
We were suddenly doubling out of the area. Whitewashing Uppsala. After my 4 months there and all the progress made, I felt very confused. Why? I asked that question many times and learned that we need to trust that Heavenly Father is taking care of this work.
Ely was baptized as a member of the church. She clung to my side and said it felt like a wedding and I was giving her away to Christ. She was so beautiful!
I had such amazing companions that I felt like it was too good to be true. I was having too much fun and started to get distracted because of it. Lesson learned... being companions with a best friend is not smart.
The reason I was needed to be in Goteborg came: Maria. The amazing daughter of God said she didn't believe in God, was not Mormon, hated Sister missionaries, etc. I became a friend to her. Slowly, her opinion changed and she came back to activity and now wants to serve a mission. Her change made my mission feel like it was fulfilled. I couldn't be happier as I saw her return to to temple.
Christmas did not feel the same this year. No snow (the previous year it was up to our waists in some areas), no presents (they were late), institute was closed, etc. I found myself comparing it too much to my greenie transfer where I felt like family.
I felt like a tool in God's hands. Zaher got baptized along with Khalil, Jan/Ali, and Li. They were prepared and are some of the strongest converts I know. I am very thankful to be a part of that beautiful experience. :)
Emergency transfers happened to me 2 times... which was hard because I loved my companions at the time and the sudden move took quite the adjustment.
My last transfer in Gavle was the best I had ever worked. We worked out to P90X every morning(with permission) and we used every second of every day being 100% obedient... the most accomplished I have ever felt on my mission. Miracle after miracle happened as we found several families to teach the gospel of Jesus Christ to followed by Annicka coming back to church my last Sunday and promising to follow the example of Christ and renew her baptismal covenant each week at church.
My grandpa received pancreatic cancer while I was in Goteborg. I went through a hard time when I found out and even had to talk to my grandpa with how much pain he was in so he could leave in peace. One month before I finished my mission, I received a phone call from my mission president telling me that he had passed on. I was a tearful wreck. Throughout the process, many amazing priesthood blessings were given and I was comforted. I know my grandpa has a work to perform on the other side and that is why he went from fit as a fiddle to gone in 3 months.
I learned how to love the way that Christ did. The book "A Heart Like His" changed my life. I learned that a mission is based on this love. Without it, nothing can be accomplished. I wanted to cry because of the love I felt for those people I met each and every day. This love drove me until my very last day.
I was not accepted into BYU. All of my plans for after the mission disappeared within moments and I felt utterly lost and confused.
Doing splits with the sisters 2 times in my mission was wonderful. It is amazing the impact you can have on people when you know you will only be with them for but a short time. I was surprised with my own boldness, confidence, and knowledge that came.
Looking back and months after the fact, you see the influence and effect you had on other people. You see how much you yourself have grown. I know now without a doubt how much Heavenly Father loves me. He watched out for me and placed me exactly where I was needed when I was needed. I know that the atonement is real. In a situation where you cannot call your mom or your best friend or even go watch a movie to relax, I learned how to rely on Him who suffered for each and every one of us. I felt his love and his comfort and I learned how to rely on him with every decision I made. One of the most important lessons I learned was how to raise my future family in the gospel. I am truly grateful for that lesson. If we are not teaching our children, the world will... its influence is real.
I already miss the land of Sweden. I miss Swedish. I miss worrying about others and not myself. I feel very blessed for the knowledge I obtained there. It has changed my life.
Welcome to the new Kendra.
There were a lot of ups and downs on my mission. They say that a mission is 50 years of emotions and experiences crammed into 2 years (in my case, 18 months). I agree with this. With the greatest downs come the greatest ups. And those amazing moments make the entire experience worth it. I will give you a summary of my mission:
MTC: spiritual bootcamp where I realized I knew nothing and my testimony was broken down and rebuilt on a true foundation of Christ
I arrived in Norrkoping, Sweden and had culture shock. I had taken everything at home for granted and felt VERY homesick.
We had my first baptism. His name is Samuel. He is full of interesting ideas... many of which I could barely understand with my limited Swedish, but he had the faith of a Child which is all one needs to enter the kingdom of God.
We had a creepy stalker guy that I had nightmares about and would see everywhere.
I transferred to Goteborg, Sweden into a ward comparable to Utah and become an institute missionary. After 3 weeks, Fadi was baptized.
I felt pressured by the ward to do everything that was right and would get really down on myself when I made mistakes.
After weeks of cleaning tobacco out of his apartment and going through a quit smoking program, Christer entered the waters of baptism and was baptized by his son. The moment in the water embraced in each other’s arms brought tears to my eyes. This moment reminded me of the joy of the atonement and the love of God that he has for each and every one of us.
I was sad to leave. I had many ideas I wanted to bring to the area and I did not feel that my work was finished here. God had other plans. I was transferred to Uppsala to be tried in patience that I had never experienced before in my life.
The focus on strengthening the members was brought into play with our new Mission President. We developed memorable relationships and brought many to the knowledge of our savior Jesus Christ. Many testimonies were strengthened.
We were suddenly doubling out of the area. Whitewashing Uppsala. After my 4 months there and all the progress made, I felt very confused. Why? I asked that question many times and learned that we need to trust that Heavenly Father is taking care of this work.
Ely was baptized as a member of the church. She clung to my side and said it felt like a wedding and I was giving her away to Christ. She was so beautiful!
I had such amazing companions that I felt like it was too good to be true. I was having too much fun and started to get distracted because of it. Lesson learned... being companions with a best friend is not smart.
The reason I was needed to be in Goteborg came: Maria. The amazing daughter of God said she didn't believe in God, was not Mormon, hated Sister missionaries, etc. I became a friend to her. Slowly, her opinion changed and she came back to activity and now wants to serve a mission. Her change made my mission feel like it was fulfilled. I couldn't be happier as I saw her return to to temple.
Christmas did not feel the same this year. No snow (the previous year it was up to our waists in some areas), no presents (they were late), institute was closed, etc. I found myself comparing it too much to my greenie transfer where I felt like family.
I felt like a tool in God's hands. Zaher got baptized along with Khalil, Jan/Ali, and Li. They were prepared and are some of the strongest converts I know. I am very thankful to be a part of that beautiful experience. :)
Emergency transfers happened to me 2 times... which was hard because I loved my companions at the time and the sudden move took quite the adjustment.
My last transfer in Gavle was the best I had ever worked. We worked out to P90X every morning(with permission) and we used every second of every day being 100% obedient... the most accomplished I have ever felt on my mission. Miracle after miracle happened as we found several families to teach the gospel of Jesus Christ to followed by Annicka coming back to church my last Sunday and promising to follow the example of Christ and renew her baptismal covenant each week at church.
My grandpa received pancreatic cancer while I was in Goteborg. I went through a hard time when I found out and even had to talk to my grandpa with how much pain he was in so he could leave in peace. One month before I finished my mission, I received a phone call from my mission president telling me that he had passed on. I was a tearful wreck. Throughout the process, many amazing priesthood blessings were given and I was comforted. I know my grandpa has a work to perform on the other side and that is why he went from fit as a fiddle to gone in 3 months.
I learned how to love the way that Christ did. The book "A Heart Like His" changed my life. I learned that a mission is based on this love. Without it, nothing can be accomplished. I wanted to cry because of the love I felt for those people I met each and every day. This love drove me until my very last day.
I was not accepted into BYU. All of my plans for after the mission disappeared within moments and I felt utterly lost and confused.
Doing splits with the sisters 2 times in my mission was wonderful. It is amazing the impact you can have on people when you know you will only be with them for but a short time. I was surprised with my own boldness, confidence, and knowledge that came.
Looking back and months after the fact, you see the influence and effect you had on other people. You see how much you yourself have grown. I know now without a doubt how much Heavenly Father loves me. He watched out for me and placed me exactly where I was needed when I was needed. I know that the atonement is real. In a situation where you cannot call your mom or your best friend or even go watch a movie to relax, I learned how to rely on Him who suffered for each and every one of us. I felt his love and his comfort and I learned how to rely on him with every decision I made. One of the most important lessons I learned was how to raise my future family in the gospel. I am truly grateful for that lesson. If we are not teaching our children, the world will... its influence is real.
I already miss the land of Sweden. I miss Swedish. I miss worrying about others and not myself. I feel very blessed for the knowledge I obtained there. It has changed my life.
Welcome to the new Kendra.
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