More Dating Frustration

I have wondered why I am not married. I think I am an amazing woman. I am smart, beautiful, talented, optimistic, friendly, sociable, dedicated, spiritual, a hard worker, persistent, family oriented, loyal, understanding, etc. What is keeping me from that great blessing so many of my friends have taken part of? Some say it is because I served a mission, but I have been home for 20 months now and am still single. Some say it is because it is not God's timing. Yeah, that could make sense, except why would he purposely postpone such a great experience? They say any 2 faithful people can make a marriage work, so I don't fully think that God's timing has to do with it. My mom thinks I am too picky. I wish I could say no to that, but after having so much dating experience, I do feel like I know a little more of what I need and what I want in a relationship. And I don't feel picky because there are several people each year that I find myself interested in. Another friend would say I just keep falling for guys who are not on the same level as me, which is also true. I need someone who knows what they want in life and is ready for a serious relationship... not one about marriage, but about commitment and really focusing on getting to know each other. Marriage talk can come once we get to the point where we can't imagine life without the other person in it. Yet, all the guys I have been dating since I got home from my mission move too fast then back out suddenly (This happened 3 times already). I am exhausted of all of these excuses. I am exhausted of wondering why? Can I be done with dating? I don't think my heart will let that happen.

So here I am after another conversation with a guy about how he is sorry he moved too quickly, how he is scared of hurting me, how he doesn't feel like he could provide for a future with me, and he has to figure out his life first. This is a duplicate conversation of one I had with my ex back in August. It also reminded me of a year ago when Cory and I decided to go back to being friends after dating for 4 days until we got school situated and then we got together a month later. I feel like I am repeating past relationships. The only difference is that I already lived through that and I don't have the same patience and willpower because I don't want to get hurt again. Is that wrong of me? I saw this quote on Pinterest that I liked.

"Smart girls are over thinkers, the insecure ones, the different ones. They know what the real world is like. They analyze every little thing in life. Why? To avoid getting hurt. To find happiness. They stay up at night trying to think about every possible situation to get through all the problems. They think too much. They trust fewer people. Their insecurity proves their respect towards themselves. Of course they try to live away from drama filled life. Smart girls know their worth. Now those are the ones worth keeping by your side."

So here I am at 1AM on a Thursday night being smart... thinking about how I can stop repeating my dating mistakes.

My heart is vulnerable from all sorts of hard things I have been going through lately. I don't like feeling vulnerable or the feeling that comes when you wonder what someone is doing or why you haven't heard from them. It makes me feel like I am "needy." I always considered that term negative and have done all I can to avoid being called such. But I decided to do a little research on the actual meaning of it. Dr Craig Malkin explains the reason for the behavior very well in an article he wrote called "How to Overcome Neediness." It is not because we want to feel needed, but because of a fear of being abandoned. This fear is rooted with people who were abandoned as children and neglected usually from divorce or their parent's being to caught up in their own lives. These fears, I admit, are real in my life. My parent's divorced when I was 13, which I am told is one of the toughest ages for one, and after that, my dad disappeared, I stopped trusting him, my mom became to busy working to support us that she didn't have time to attend my activities or have much "one on one" time with me. At the time, I never realized the emotional affects it would have on me. Now, I have a huge fear of "being alone" which includes divorce or losing friends. Obviously, the nagging fear that someone isn't calling because they don't like me anymore is a result of this childhood experience as well that has become, unfortunately, part of my personality. To understand more, read the article I mentioned.

I don't always feel needy though... not in every relationship. As long as my love language of quality time is being met, my needs are filled and this give me security. I don't need a "boyfriend" title. The guy I dated back in April is proof of that. We were never exclusive, never planned a future together, but he was always there and we spent almost every day together while I went on dates with other guys at the same time. He showed me that healthy drama free relationships were possible. I felt more fulfilled by his friendship than most boyfriends I have ever had. Why? because we spent time together and became such close friends that even though miles still separate us, we still turn to each other as friends. So many guys over-complicate things. They interpret my desire to spend time with them often as something more serious than it needs to be. I don't know why. After all of this reflecting, I realize that what I do know is that I want what I had in April back. A great friend that I could talk to about anything and everything and they had this magical way of making sense of the world and validating my feelings and making me feel appreciated and valued. I felt like I was home. I will never forget that feeling... and that is what I am looking for.

How Real are Fears?

Dictionary.com say that fear is "a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid." I have met a lot of new people over the last few months since I finally dived into a real social life, and I realized one main factor controlling people and their behaviors:fear. I wrote in my last blog that I had learned that my past doesn't dictate my future, which is true, but somehow I keep referring to it when I come to similar situations where I feel like I may be reliving the same mistake thus bringing the buried pain to the surface once more. This is because the emotion of fear is aroused by impending danger or pain, even if imagined.

I am going to use a poll taken in my singles ward about dating as an example. Our Sunday school teacher had sent us a survey to find out people's points of views on dating. I am not going to focus on the dating aspect, although I find it ironic that secretly we all feel the same and assume everyone sees it differently, but I will focus on why people don't have the desire to date. The main reasons were that they were getting over someone or they had fears of past relationships. After speaking with a few people in my ward and sharing my own thoughts, I have come to realize I am not alone in this battle of fears.

One of my friends had a bad experience with long distance. He felt that it was a burden and the commitment to always call the same time every day and repeat the same conversation. And to add my own thoughts, long distance is hard because you feel like you have to make up for the time you couldn't have with the person in other ways. Stress is involved as you feel like you are not meeting the other person's expectations or maybe someone feels neglected or that they are missing out. Anyway, this person no longer has faith in long distance. He lets that fear rule the faith that could exist in giving that scenario a second chance.
Another friend had a bad experience feeling like they were sloppy seconds... meaning that the girl liked their friend first and then came to him when that did not work. They gave it a shot, but it did not work. I have been there as well. I have felt that I was not good enough for that person because they didn't like me to begin with... and I was just "convenient." We all want to be adored to begin with and have people chase after us and want us in their life. Now my friend has let this fear control their dating experiences because of the heart ache of trying it out the first time.

Then of course, I have trust issues. I have fears of putting myself out there again because every time I do, I end up getting hurt and the person leaves me. My faith in dating is dwindling because it all leads to disappointment. I have a fear of divorce because many of my family members have gone through divorce. I have a fear of being lonely in marriage because I usually only make good friends with guys and not girls which is not okay after you get married. I have a fear of not being good enough because in my last relationship I always felt like I had to be setting goals to be better and be someone I was not. These fears have come to control my life and made me more picky than ever before.

How so? Based upon past failed experiences, I no longer am interested in guys very easily. For example, (I am going to over exaggerate for a second)if they only talk about the gospel or their mission on the first date, they are out. If they sound like a dreamer, they are out... I need a hopeful realist. If they can't open up to me, they are out. If they joke about the commandments and taking them seriously, they are out. If they complain about everything, they are out. If they don't understand the atonement, they are out. If I have to lead the conversation, they are out. If they have several years left of school, not interested.. since I graduate this December. If they are too touchy feely at first, I am very hesitant. If they talk politics hard core or watch a lot of sports, they are out. If they seem to agree with me on everything, they are out... I need a guy who knows what he wants and voices it. If they want to stay living in Utah, they are out. If they haven't had much dating experience, they are sadly, out... I am not going to train someone else how to have a girlfriend. If they are about to move, I am hesitant. If they flirt with everything that breathes, grow up. If they spend money on things I feel are unwise, I am hesitant. I could keep going, but all of these are based upon trying to date guys that had these traits and things going wrong. I fear of getting myself into the same situation and repeating the same mistakes.

I spoke with my best friend's husband about how he came to decide to marry her. He was in his late twenties and had been through several failed relationships. How did he look past his fears? First of all, he stopped making dating like a checklist. He said that in the end, they just had chemistry... simple as that. They had grown to love an imperfect person perfectly. Secondly, they dated for more than 2 months. In fact, they dated for two years! Why "so long?" Because it takes time to get over fears.

A close friend of mine explained that just like when you sin and you use the atonement to become clean again. You aren't suddenly "better" after baptism or taking the sacrament or what not. It is a gradual process that comes as a person makes small changes and decisions in their lives. They experiment upon the commandments and see the blessings that come as they follow these new "rules" and they begin to have faith that the change is good for them. It is the same with overcoming fear. We can't just remove the fear overnight. It is not possible. It takes time and it takes experimenting in small ways that in time, you see the blessings and your faith begins to overpower that fear.

So next time we see someone afraid to take a leap of faith, try to understand. Try to be there for them as they experiment and be patient. We also need to be patient with ourselves. Some fears are ingrained deep within us and will take longer than others. I hope that I can find a guy who will be patient with my fears as well. And if you feel like you are so focused on your fears that you have lost faith in taking a step forward and putting yourself out there again, try to think at least one of them that you may experiment upon. Use prayer and Heavenly Father's help to overcome it. Tell him of your experiment. I did in March and he answered my prayer. One of my fears is gone and replaced by faith, but I still have plenty more to remove. We can't let fears rule our decisions in life... we would be holding ourselves back from a potential amazing future/opportunity if we did so. I challenge you to make a leap of faith and trust in Heavenly Father. Thanks for listening!

My KC adventure story.

"It is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all."

Over these past 5 months, I have learned a lot about what is really important and in relationships. Yes, we get excited when we find someone we can talk to for hours on end,they have all these amazing qualities you are looking for, and you find common future goals as well. Cory was an amazing listener, spiritual, gave honest advice, complimentative, observant, thoughtful with his gifts, confident, a hard worker, charismatic, and best of all... he could make me laugh. We also both want to travel the world, could speak Swedish, wanted to raise a family with the same morals, have similar communication habits, and so many other similarities. But isn't that how all relationships begin? People (including me) get over excited about the great qualities and the future that could be that we look past important details.

During our complicated friendship, we spent time singing at retirement homes on Sundays, going to FHE and ward prayer together, telling stories and sharing dreams and goals. He helped me realize that my past didn't dictate my future and I have the potential to become an amazing tool in God's hands and mother for my future family. My confidence grew as I saw that woman staring back at me in the mirror; life around me on our journey blossomed. The more time I spent with Cory, the more I realized how much I wanted him in my life. I tried to date around and just when I almost gave up waiting, he decided to become exclusive with me! How could I, an ordinary girl from Utah, be dating an extraordinary guy like him?

I remember how startled I was when we start talking about marriage quickly into our relationship. I had cold feet and instantly wondered if I was really ready for that kind of commitment. After praying and doing some personal study, I felt in my heart that all I needed was faith in us. That answer carried me over the following month as I learned that a relationship is not about what I want; it is about what the other person needs. The song "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz resonated my thoughts. As our focus changed to enjoying dating each other instead of marriage, I stopped trying to be perfect and somehow our relationship became just that... a relationship. I was happy and my appreciation for Cory in my life was insurmountable.

Over Christmas break we flew to Japan where I was able to meet his family. This trip is unforgettable! We spent more time together than ever before doing all sorts of fun touristy and Christmas things together. Christmas came and Cory gave me the most thoughtful gift ever. He found a book that is out of print that I have been wanting for a few years, "The Gable Faces East" by Anita Stansfeild. Despite this amazing week, old fears came back as marriage talk returned.

I have concluded that in the end, he was just not ready. We had reached a point in our journey where we either had to make that step forward and get engaged or break up. It was a hard choice because I have faith that I could have waited longer until he was ready to take that step. I also feel like you don't need to know 100%... just have faith. He was the first guy I have ever honestly wanted to marry, but it isn't about me. What do I do now? Simple answer: trust in Heavenly Father. He loves his children and although things don't always make sense, he is always watching out for them and will continue to build them up for your future. Elder Jospeh B. Wirthlin explains going through adversity and trusting in God in this great Mormon message: "Come What May and Love It."

A good friend of mine said to me "Heavenly Father would never leave you sad. He will always find someone better for you that makes you happier than the person before you did." Lets be honest; I would not want to marry someone if they would doubt afterwards if they made the right choice or if they were always worried about making me happy. So now I can say that I am grateful that Cory could see what I couldn't and have the courage to love me enough to break up with me so I can find that someone out there who loves me without a doubt. Yes, I am sad... breakups are not easy, but I have a choice to be happy, hopeful, and optimistic. I mean, come on, look at all those handsome RMs walking around Provo! haha. But seriously, I want to be able to move on so that I can look back with happiness and even have a friendship with Cory as well. That is my goal. :) Wish me luck!

General Conference

How does someone get answers to questions? Well, they ask them of course! General Conference is perfect for receiving those answers. I am grateful to my mom's example every 6 months as she would have us sit in front of the TV each conference session to show us just how important listening to the prophet's voice really is. She new which medicine would keep our spiritual immune system strong and healthy. Of course, when I was young, I would end up doodling pictures on my notebook instead of taking notes, but her example is a living testimony of the conviction to this gospel that my mom has.

I had a few questions this time: Is the pathway I am currently walking in life one I should continue on? How can I better support those I love with their schooling and callings? What can I do to help a few specific people around me who are struggling? How can I become a virtuous woman and valiant daughter of God?

Each speaker gave words of wisdom. There were many talks that touched my heart. I will just go through my favorites from each session. :)

Ann M Dibb
This semester I have a lot more free time that I would like. There is so much I could do with this time. I feel like her message reflected what I have been and still am working on since I came back to college. It was exactly what I needed. I focused mainly on the topic of "potential." Uchtdorf talked about a regret of many before passing away: not becoming who they could have and living up to their potential. Heavenly Father gives us time and Sister Dibb explained that we need to spend as much time with our spiritual growth as we do with school, work, movies, and music. How often do we spend our free time on Facebook or Netflix? There are so many better things we could be doing! As I said, I have been working on this and can honestly feel the world of a difference in myself and my perception of the reality of life. Recently, I have began doing Family History or going to the temple every Tuesday. I also began a more rigid workout schedule with P90X. When I am traveling to school on the bus, I listen to uplifting music or a podcast from one of the many CES firesides. And if I still have extra time, I try to think of small ways I can serve (this is a work in progress, but I will get to that later). Integrity is of utmost importance because we do what is right no matter who is watching. This characteristic of integrity along with conviction and confidence and giving our time to God really depict how I can and am become a virtuous woman.

Dieter F Uchtdorf
When Uchtdorf talked about the regret of not appreciating what we have and always wanting more, I felt impressed that what I have been doing with my life is exactly where I need to be. I have seen in my life and in others that we tend to live in the past where we were happy or in the future in dreams, but we forget today. I really like this quote:

"Fist I was dying to finish high school and start college. And then I was dying to finish college and start working. And then I was dying to marry and have children. And then I was dying for my children to grow old enough so I could get back to my career. And then I was dying to retire. And now I am dying... and suddenly realize that I forgot to live."

It follows along those same lines. Yes, I want to get married. I will admit to that. But he is right.... I need and want to focus on getting to know my boyfriend first before I seriously consider that. At a regional conference a month ago, Elder Nelson said that we can make right decisions at the the wrong time if we are not careful. If we dream too much, decisions will be made with too much haste and we will miss what is in front of us and possible make decisions at the wrong time. When I heard his talk, I knew that what I am doing and where I am going is what I need to keep doing. I have been learning and growing so much and will continue to do so in order to reach my true potential. (see, they all tie together)

Jefferey R Holland
I was in the conference center for his talk and I absolutely loved it! He is so powerful and I felt on fire as he spoke to my heart and soul. Not only did he use "smargosbord" (which is Swedish... tee hee) but he spoke about what it truly means to be a disciple of Jesus Christ and a Returned Missionary. I love how real the 12 disciples of Christ became as he elaborated on their points of view and how we relate to them. When Christ asked Peter three times "Do you love me?" I felt choked up. In the Gospel Principles book, under "obedience," it listed three reasons why we obey. 1. We fear the consequences. 2. We want the blessings that come from obedience. 3. We LOVE Him. Obeying out of love is true conversion because we are obeying for the right reason. I read this book on my mission called "A Love Like His." It really explains how we can let God's love into our lives and help others feel it as well. In other words, it explains that if we love God, then we will feed His sheep so they can feel his love as well which fulfills the greatest of all commandments:

30 And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment.
31 And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these. (Mark 12:30-31)

This book also talks about taking time to slow down. When we are always in a rush, that is when it is hardest to make time to serve those around us.

Linda K. Burton
Wow, these women of the church are amazing. She spoke about service which was another focus of mine. She simplified service in a way that really helped me--> "Observe and then serve." Service doesn't have to be planned out as a big Relief Society project. It is doing as Christ and many prophets and other examples have done in the past; each act of service was very individual and unique based on the person they were serving. I tried this out today. I was sitting on the bus going to school, and there was this girl wearing a red shirt sitting across from me that I felt prompted to talk to. Sad to say, I did not. Later, after institute, I was walking through a hallway I don't normally take and saw the same girl sitting on a bench doing homework. This time, I stopped to talk for 15 minutes. She is amazing and has been thinking about serving a mission herself. I don't know what was accomplished during that conversation, but I felt uplifted. Observe and then serve. Such simple and profound advice from a daughter of God.

Henry B. Eyring
I enjoyed his story about how when he was trying to decide what to do at college, he asked his wife what she thought and completely trusted that her impression came from God because he felt that his own mind had a "pavilion" blocking his divine aid. Her response to this was that he needed to also receive this answer himself. The ability to receive those answers is very important. This talk made me think of my current life... which is school and dating. Yes, I need to find someone who I completely trust their answers in prayer (which I have and he is amazing!), but I need to receive confirmation in my own life that it be right. Not because I don't trust his answer, but because having that relationship with my Heavenly Father is the most important to me. He is the one that knows me best and what I can handle. I can do anything with him in my life if it is his will. He makes my weaknesses into strengths. Happily, I did pray about dating my boyfriend and I feel that the pathway I am on right now is the right one and I just need to continue to learn and grow both at school and spiritually and he will guide me and take care of me. I also felt that, just as Eyring's wife supported him with his schooling and decisions, I too can learn to support and encourage my boyfriend in his schooling.

I enjoyed many of the other talks. I learned a lot about missionary work and families. Each talk impacted my life or reconfirmed already strong beliefs. As my institute teacher says, "Now go home and apply what you have learned. Otherwise, your time listening to me teach today was pointless." We are constantly changing daily. Progress means change. If you are not progressing, you are digressing. Therefor, if you haven't changed from these talks, I encourage you to go back to search, ponder, and pray. This modern day revelation is what we need today to become a modern army of Helaman. I can promise that as you apply these gospel principles in your daily lives, not only will you feel joy in all you do, but you will begin to see the world in a clearer and more Christ-like view. I love it!

"I will let the love of God touch the depths of my heart and mold me into the person I should be. I will make love the center of my being and all I do."

Steps in Relationships. (to me)

My friend Amy tells me that "communication fails." I always thought this was an interesting theory. She explained that we each go through different experiences that shape the meaning behind words and our point of view on life and people around us. Since we all go through our own experiences, no matter how much we try to describe what we mean, the listener will interpret what the speaker says based upon their own personal experiences. Thus, the real meaning is lost and communication fails. That is why I say pay attention to more what I do then what I say because actions show character.

Despite the communication failure theory, I still think talking and honest open communication is very important. We will never understand where someone is coming from unless they explain it to us. The only way we will every truly understand is with the guidance of the spirit. Christ has experienced what we all have gone through and therefor can communicate to us through the spirit what we need to know and understand about someone. I have felt that on multiple occasions.

For those who want to know me a little better, I have decided to attempt at describing what different action mean to me. In the process, I think I will understand myself just a little bit better.

1. Short Eye Contact aka Eye flirting. If this happens several times within an our, go talk to them!
2. Long Eye Contact If you hold eye contact with someone for more that a 5 seconds, either you are a missionary or you like this person. There is something about eye contact that makes me feel like someone is staring into my soul and breaking down some kind of invisible barrier. It does not mean "I want to kiss you." Whoever had that idea was wrong.
3. Short Hug Just friends... simply put.
4. Long Hug Either you are family or they are saying that their time with you has been amazing. They don't want to let go because that means saying goodbye and they are avoiding that.
5. Compliments Coming from the right person, it makes me feel adored. It causes me to want to shower that person with more of my attention and love.
6. Back and Hand Massages For me, this is a way to serve those I care for. It can be a little flirty too because I want to show off my skills. ;)
7. Random Texts I am thinking of you.

====This is where things move from I think you are pretty cool to I like you===

8. Cuddling I feel comfortable around you.
9. Private hand holding I want to get to know you more and see where this leads down the road.
10. Long Conversations Communication is important to me. If I can talk with someone for a long time, that definitely shows how interested I am in the person. That time talking reveals a lot and shows a connection that I might have with them. It shows how well someone can listen to me and how well we can relate. If you can't relate, the relationship fades, thus showing that this person is not worth your time.
11. Giving gifts I would not spend money on someone else's husband for noreason. I have to really really like the person to buy them something and to go out my way to do cute surprises. When someone does this for me, it signifies that they really like me. But it does not make me feel loved.
12. A kiss on the cheek I really like you, but I respect you enough to not kiss you until I am committed.
13. Glances and nudges in public. Even though I can't be near you right now, I still want you to know how much you mean to me.
14. Future Plans This is a hint that leads to a more committed relationship. It shows that the person is planning on having you in their life for a while. If this is done more "just for fun," it feels like leading the other person on.
15. Jealousy This is a good key indicator that if you do not like seeing someone you like with someone else, you might want to have a DTR. I feel flattered if a guy gets jealous (if I like him... otherwise I feel bad) because it means he doesn't want to see me with anyone else but himself. If I am jealous, I usually want that guy to become my boyfriend. (*point on usually)

---------This is the line where things move from "I like you." to "I want to date you." in my book.-------

16. Public hand holding I want everyone to know how much I like you because I do not want others to date you. You are mine and I am proud of it.
17. A small peck You are special to me.
18. A long kiss I am falling for you.
19. A hello/goodbye kiss I missed you/ I am going to miss you.
20. Saying "I love you" To me this means "I really can see this going somewhere special and I want to give this relationship as much as I can. My happiness is reliant on your happiness." It is a phrase filled with commitment.
21. Sacrifice I real relationship takes sacrifice. It is no longer about me and what I want. If I love someone, I will do whatever I can to make them happy whether it is making them lunch and taking it to them out of my way, running an errand for them, moving my schedule to fit theirs because they are busy with school or work, etc. A healthy relationship is where both people make sacrifices for each other and it is not just one sided (I have seen that happen to a lot of people and it falls apart if it is one sided)
22. Intro to the family By intro, I mean actually spending time and hanging out with the family. Not a quick intro. It means that this is someone who I want my family to get to know because I think it is possible they could become something more in the future and I want my family's opinion about them. (of coarse this can be dependent on whether or not you were just friends when you met them or not... it is a good chance to see them for who they really are... and thus could be in the "I like you" section as well. That is not normally the case for me though.)

I don't know when I changed, but that line was very fuzzy a few years ago. The more I date, the more I realize how much different actions mean to me. To be honest, even I am not perfect in following my own definitions of what each action means to me. I sometimes get caught up in the moment and skip over a step and fumble. But I do know that actions speak louder than words. I guess I am defining these because I have gone on 1000s of dates in my life and there are a lot of misinterpretations which only lead to sorrow and confusion. I do not want to kiss a guy just because we had a really fun date. I want to kiss a guy because I have fallen for him and he is someone I can see myself with for quite some time. I want holding hands, cuddling, and all that cute stuff that comes with dating to actually mean something to me. I do not want to turn back into that "cuddle slut" I called myself before my mission because I am a daughter of God and I do not think he would be happy if he saw mine or anyone else's actions leading someone on to getting hurt later down the road.

I guess the key to a real relationship moving at the correct pace and being interpreted correctly is through the spirit. Just as I said, where communication is misunderstood, the spirit can fill in the gaps and lead us in daily decisions. The hard part is following those promptings and being open for the chance that we could get hurt as well. Healthy humble communication is a work in progress. At least now any guy who reads this blog will understand what they should/n't do when dating me.

The Rhythm of Life

We all have a song that describes our life similar to one of those 20 minute long symphony pieces where it flows in and out of different tempos transitioning from pianissimo to forte within short and long periods of time. These kind of pieces draw us and and our heart moves with it. They describe a story and paint a picture with each beautiful note. The question is, what kind of music is describing my life? How is my rhythm affecting those listening?

Yes, I believe that music really affects us and those around us. Why is that? I am the kind of person who likes to listen to music that matches my mood. Sunday: spiritual MoTab, EFY, Paul Cardel, etc. Relationship drama: Kelly Clarkson, Hoobastank, Jason Mraz, We the Kings, Jordan Sparks, Good Charlotte, Taylor Swift, etc. Chillin with my friends: Spice Girls (haha), Linkin Park, Cold Play, ABBA, Rascal Flats, Enchanted, etc. Hip hop time: Flo Rider, Rihanna, Jason Derulo, etc. What does listening to music that relays my current emotion do? All it does is emphasize that emotion and make it more prominent. In some cases, that could be healthy. In other's not so much. For example, hip hop is great. I love dancing and expressing myself. But if I am not careful, some of those lyrics can be inappropriate according to my beliefs and will influence me in a negative way. Another example... a breakup or someone does something annoying. If you listen to music that relates to those, all it will do is make you more upset about the situation and the music influences you once more. Music really does affect our emotions and desires; it affects our attitudes and behaviors.

There were several occasions over the past month where this realization of music affecting who we are stood out to me. One was when I just sat with your friend my friend (we will call her Kay). She is someone who I have always looked up to, and in that moment, I noticed the kind of person I want to be when I am around her. It hit me mainly when we were sitting around the kitchen table after discussing our upcoming camping trip and listening to music trying to get ideas of what to listen to during the many hours of driving. The only kind of music I wanted to listen to around Kay was wholesome and uplifting... not the kind of music that we hear on the radio every day. It hit me once more when I visited my friend (we will call him Joe) at his new apt at college. He was doing an apt check while I chilled on the couch. The music playing from Joe's room was very calming and gave my mind room to think feel at ease. This friend is also someone who I would not want to listen to certain music around. Then once more I felt the influence of music last week. I had just started school and was confused over many things had happened over the previous week with boys and roommates and whether or not I made the right decision in not returning to USU. I could have dwelled on these matters, but instead, I turned on my Sunday track and opened up my scriptures. I felt peace that Heavenly Father is looking out for me. I think about the blessings he has given me lately and could not be more grateful for them. He has given me uplifting friends, a nice apt, random people on campus to help me out whether it is rides to FHE and school, a new friend or two on the bus, or free lunch for a day. He is taking care of me.

Anyway, music has a large influence in our lives every day. I hope we can clear out the kind that pulls us into negative emotions and only listen to uplifting music that brings smiles to our faces. For example, the song Firework by Katy Perry makes me feel like I can do anything... I love it! I love life. And I love the gospel not only for the truths it teaches, but for the kind of person it is making me into. It is creating the next movement of my symphony into a beautiful melodic chapter of my life. I only pray to transform it into a masterpiece that will influence those around me for the better.

New Leaf. :)

I have been home from my mission for 5 months now and what have I done with my time? As far as any blog reader might see, it appears that I complain about boys or singles wards or whatever is bothering me at the time. I am done complaining. No one likes a complainer... I know I don't. People who are down on themselves are not fun to be around. (of coarse we all need a listening ear once in a while, but who am I kidding to think an online public blog is the best place for that?)

Anyway, I am turning over a new leaf. I am going to do what every other LDS blogger does in the state of Utah and share my uplifting insights with the world. Which could be something I read in the scriptures for the day, a miracle that happened, or even an tale to tell of an adventure I went on.

To begin, I have a story: During my 2nd transfer on my mission, all the sister missionaries were given a miracle calendar. I didn't think anything of it at first. Each day we would write down a miracle or 2 for the day. It wasn't until I was going through a rough time that I pulled out my old calendars and realized just how much Heavenly Father blesses me each and every day and I really have no reason to be sad. Those memories carried me through the next year.

Since I have been home, I have seen 1000s of miracles. Where to begin?
1. My JobWhen I found my job, I applied at midnight, followed by the interview on day 2, and started working Monday where I found out only 10% of applicants are accepted. Miracle, eller hur?
2. Finding my car. It was listed on KSL for 4500 when my budget was 3500, but we felt like checking it out anyway. It was well taken care of, low mileage, v6 engine, power seats, cruise control, auto start, good radio system, Toyota Camry, etc. I was willing to pay 4100, but the guy selling it said that we were such honest people that he gave it to me for 3700... much lower than blue book value. MIRACLE!
3. Family My relationship with my dad is amazing. After my mission, I find that I now can sit and talk to my dad in the kitchen for hours on end. He even gave me a real birthday present this year instead of relying on my mom to choose one... I felt very touched by that. Long lasting miracle.
4. Families are forever. Every single member of my immediate family are all still active members of the church. I have seen many families split apart when Satan gets in the way. When I think about how we are all striving for that eternal goal, it brings me great joy.
5. True friends. They are few and far between, but they are there. People accept you for you and sincerely care about you should be held close and cherished. I had the opportunity to live with my married best friend for a month while her husband was on a work trip. And next week I am headed to Zions with 3 people who mean the world to me. Friendship does last forever.
6. Life's Lessons. Lessons learned turn into miracles because we would have never learned from them if we hadn't gone through that hard time. I have learned this summer what I am looking for in a future husband from the many 1st dates I have been on. I have learned that I like to feel needed at work and in life and if I am not progressing, I feel restless. I have learned that when all is said and done, the gospel really is the foundation of our lives that keeps us steady through the storms in life. Lessons given to us from life are miralces!
7. Time. Today I went on a long walk with my mom where we talked about memories in time, boys, family, ourselves, goals, etc. That time is precious to me. I work 50 hrs/week and barely have time for myself, so it was a gift to be with my mom.

I could list off so many others. Miracles happen every day of our lives. This blog today was inspired by a few things. First, I started to read the Book of Mormon again and I read the first verse. When I read "born of goodly parents," my mind started to wander to my mom. She is someone I admire and would love to become. She always puts her kids before herself. How can I become someone like her? The second inspiration came from a friend who a few weeks ago read my previous blog and called me and mentioned how worried he was. I do not want people to see me in that light. Thirdly, this same said person spreads their own light to others and I want to do the same. I want to become the best me I can. I believe that having a blog focused on inspiration will help me grow and reflect on things that matter most. Everything we choose to do in life begins with our actions. It is never too late to choose to grow from good to better. My time is now.