Enlightenment

I feel like my life has changed over night and although it is very unexpected, I am very excited for the future. How has my life changed?

First I want to reflect on the many life changing events that have happened to me over the past 21 years.

1. I was born! July 29th, 1989 was a great day for my mom to have her 3rd daughter. This wonderful event brought me to live with my family on earth. And believe me, my family is a big part of my life.

2. When I was 8 years old I became baptised a member of the LDS church and recieved the Holy Ghost, which has been the best companion to stay with me ever since. Yes, there were moments where I ignored promptings and didn't do what I should have, but without it, I would be lost.

3. When I was 13 years old, my dad moved out of our house and we had to forclose on our half million dollar home and move 5 girls into a small 2 bedroom basement until my mom, who is the most amazing woman I know, was able to provide for us by working 2 jobs without recieving child support, and we lived off of the church store house and government money provided. This was a struggling time in our life, but it truly made us all appreciate what we had and grow closer together than we had ever been in a while. The best part about it is that my mom's testimony never wavered during this great trial; her example is truly amazing to me.

4. At 15 years old I recieved my patriarchal blessing. To this day, this is one of my happiest memories. I will never forget what I felt and what was said. I love re-reading my blessing and gaining new insight into my life.

5. Then the double Ds came: driving and dating at 16 years old. I have had my baby... *cough* ...i mean my black Toyota Corola VE year 2000 since a month after my 16th birthday. It has been 5 years and I am super attached to it.. haha. Dating changed me by introducing me to the opposite sex. I grew up with all girls and really had no idea what guys were like besides when I saw them at school and I knew I was attracted to them. haha... I sure learned a lot!

6. Once I graduated high school I moved out of the house and up to Logan, UT to go to Utah State University. You grow up SO much living on your own. I am a completely different person now than I was in high school... and I am VERY happy about that. I have finished 3 whole years with 2 years of school left. Eventually I will graduate and start yet another chapter of my life.

Well, now we are caught up, but soon I am going to have yet another life changing event. No, I am not getting married... nowhere close. For the past several months nothing has seemed to work out for me and I have spent many night alone wishing I would have some kind of peace that Heavenly Father was leading me in the right direction or some kind of enlightenment on how I can get something out of this boring summer. After much determnation and never giving up, I finally recieved the greatest enlightenment I have ever experienced in my life. During a deep prayer I finally realized what it felt like to "give myself over to the Lord" and I literally told him I would do ANYTHING he asked me to. The answer came instantly and I felt so much peace and strength I cried because I was so happy.

Over the past few months I have also had people ask me if I was going to go on a mission when I turn 21, but I would always say "I have prayed about it and it is not for me." Honestly, I never prayed about it. I don't know if I was scared or if I honestly just never even considered going on one, but I just always said no. I guess Heavenly Father thinks otherwise, because in that moment of peace I knew I needed to serve a mission. I've never felt an answer so strongly before.

My life changed over night. One second I was planning a 4th year at school, but that will have to be put on hold. Goodbye school, work, computer, TV, music, boys, etc. Some might find that to be a sacrifice not worth making, but to me, I don't care. I want to go more than ever now! I feel like everything that has happened in my life has been pointing to this. Everything from relationships not working out, learning a new way to study scriptures, me waiting for a missionary, becoming overjoyed every time one of my friends joined the church, and even my mom and sister serving a mission when they were my age. I can't wait! First I need to finish filling out my papers.. haha. :)

Moving On

Remember my ex who I said got a girlfriend in my 2nd blog? Well, I still am having trouble moving on. I like other guys, go on dates, and try not to think of him... what else can I do? Returning to his home town has brought back all of these memories we made together. I keep having to reread my journal to remind myself of why I broke up with him in the first place, but the problem with that is that he isn't the man he was when we dated. He is even more amazing than before and if it weren't for long distance, I know we would be together again. How do I know?

When I moved back to Idaho I was planning on getting some kind of closure to know that I didn't want to be with him anymore. I hadn't seen him for 4 months since the beginning of January, and I honestly thought I might be able to move on from him. I thought maybe I had imagined how well we read each other or how good of a kisser he was or why I liked him so much. I was wrong. When we hung out, everything I thought I had imagined was real... he was still the man I had loved for those 5 months we dated and realized I still loved. And he felt it too... we still had this amazing connection. Why him? Why do we get along so well? Why do I look for him in guys I date? Why can't I just date him? Oh yeah... I still have 2 years left of college and he wont be moving to Utah anytime soon.

So I've accepted the fact that I will always love him, but I've also accepted the fact that I NEED to move on because it is unhealthy to be hanging onto a small hope that something might work out eventually... i will only get crushed by that. How do I do move on then? I went to a wedding yesterday and some of the girls there were talking about their friend who was in the same situation as me. He couldn't get over a girl and he tried dating others to forget about her, but whenever he broke up with them, he went strait back to liking his ex. I don't want to be like that. The advice they gave him is to stop going on dates. Dating is for those who are looking for "the one" right? You shouldn't date then unless you are ready for that step. That is when I decided I am done looking to even go on dates. Of coarse I wont say no if someone asks, but I need to just learn to be happy by myself. I did it before I met my ex and I can do it again. I might not flirt as much or try to impress anyone, but right now that sounds like a great idea. I can relax and only worry about one person... me.

I love advice on moving on, so if you have any personal stories or great insight you would love to share, then I would love to hear it. Anything to help me finally move on would be great. :D