Mission Call!!!

This is the moment you all have been waiting for! Well, it is the moment I have been anxiously counting down to at least. I had tons of people guessing where I would go, but no one got it right. I was utterly shocked when I found out. This place didn't even cross my mind. And where might this amazing place be? I am going to the Stockholm Sweden Mission!!!!

Originally the letter said I was leaving to the MTC Oct 27th. I figured 2 months wasn't too bad. I would get to visit Kalli in Tennessee for 2 weeks after my week long road trip with Anneliesa to California and then maybe visit Logan for a week at the end of Sept and that gave me a good month to get ready at my own pace. I guess I was wrong because the Stake President called up my mom today to tell her that my date on my letter was a mistake. I then had to choose between leaving December 29th or September 29th. Most people think December because I would get to spend Christmas with my family and I wouldn't be so rushed to get ready, but honestly, I DON'T want to wait that long. I want to get out and serve! So I might miss a couple Christmases with my family. I had already come that conclusion and felt at peace with it. Besides, the idea of 2 Christmases in Sweden sounds amazing! So I chose Sept 29th. Yes, I am still visiting my sister in Tennessee... the tickets were non-refundable. So that gives me 2 weeks to get ready... can I do it? I think so. Pray for me! I have lots to do it, but I honestly believe I can. I am needed out there and don't want to put any delay on doing so.

Sweden will be amazing! I decided to do a little research so I know exactly what to expect when I leave the MTC with as much Swedish learned possible in 2 or so months. I found out they are the 2nd most heavy Coffee drinkers in the world. You always seem to find bread, cheese, potatoes, and pork at almost every meal. And it is normal to have sweets available at all times. I hope I don't gain weight.... :S On the plus side, they eat smaller portions and work out more than Americans (according to Wikipedia). Here are some fun random facts: you can't turn right at a red light, the sun rises at 3:30 during the summer and sets at 3:30 during the winter (brrrr), Recycling is taken so seriously they have camera's watching you to make sure it is done properly, on Easter they go trick-or-treating, Sweden is considered the leader in Gender equality, most people in Sweden wear hats with propellers on them (AWESOME!), people go sun crazy wearing bikinis and swim suits and such to get tan when it is only 10 degrees Celsius.. apparently if you don't get some sun you are considered a nerd or sick(crazy people), etc. Well, it looks like I have lots to look forward to. This will be an amazing 18 months!!! :D

Farewell Forever!

How do I summarize my past 3 summers in Idaho? Lonely, boring yet dramatic, self discovery, the best and the worst, claustrophobic, etc. And now that I leave forever tomorrow after I get off work, I am not going to miss this retched town one little bit. Good riddance, farewell, adios, goodbye, ciao, au revoir, sayonara!

I won't miss the rumors. I won't miss the farmboy tough guy attitude all the guys seem to have. I won't miss the stupid Idaho wind. I won't miss having nothing to do... ever.. unless you know someone with a boat. I won't miss the farm smell that lingers everywhere you go. I won't miss a single person here... because no one freakin realizes I exsist outside of singles activities. I won't miss how judgemental people are. I won't miss how expensive it is to visit my real friends in Utah. I won't miss going on work trips every other week. Yes, I made some good memories... and some friends along with those. But the thing is... I don't even talk to them anymore. My 2 friends I made my first summer didn't talk to me when I returned the next year. My friends I made my second summer stopped talking to me when I broke up with my ex which makes me feel like they were never really my friends to begin with. And now the only people I have become friends with this summer are ironically, the ones who moved here from Utah; yet I doubt I will even keep in touch with them. I never want to visit or even speak of this place again. I am done with it all and putting it behind me. What good are these happy memories if these people aren't even a part of your life anymore.

In fact, I am going on a mission soon and plan on saying farewell to a lot more than just a stupid small town in Idaho. These "so called friends" exsist everywhere. In fact, I admit to having been that "so called friend" before that stopped caring about being a part of someone's life. I don't know where I am going with this, but I am saying goodbye to everyone I met at college. I don't plan on you being around when I come home. If you are, great! We'll catch up. If not, good luck with life. Goodbye Corey, you were the one friend I had in my major and now you are getting married. Goodbye Brittnie, you were a great roommate, but I am just invisible everytime you get in another relationship. Goodbye Scott, you were the best boyfriend I have ever had and whoever you end up with will be the luckiest girl in the world. Goodbye all! People move on whether you want them to or not. My big group I had at the beginning of college has all moved on... 2 moved to provo (Nancy and Stacy), 1 to Virginia (Shadie), another joined the sorority (Ashley) and other friends I have made just stink at keeping in contact with me (*cough* Matt *cough*). So goodbye for the billionth time. I will not miss you.

Of coarse I will miss some people, but those are few. There is Anneliesa who is my best friend in the whole wide world! She always is there for me, calls me almost daily, and I have an unspoken bond with that we will have for eternity. There is Amy who gives the best advice and she always knows what to say to lift me up spiritually. There is Katrina who I have known since I was born, and although she is married, we will always be friends forever! And my family will always be there. Without these amazing people, I would be lost. I love them with all of my heart!

The Ugly Truth

The truth can be an ugly thing but so can gossip.... those evil words that people spread and others believe to be true. I have had 1 too many rumors about me lately up in this small town in Idaho. I hate it!  I had always heard that about small towns, but to actually be a part of it is not something I ever thought would happen to me. Too late... I have a reputation now that was forced upon me and I just want to get out of Idaho.

What is this reputation? Well, all these rumors about me are from last summer that I didn't know exsisted until a few weeks ago. One came from the army guy I dated for a month. I thought he was a great guy... I never did anything to make him dislike me I don't think. I thought we were still friends because I say friendly hellos and such at singles ward activities when I see him. We don't hang out or talk on the phone or anything, but I honestly thought he was a great guy. Well, he told my friend (who he didn't know was my friend) that I stalk him and don't stop texting him and calling him and he thinks I am obsesive and annoying. Does that even sound like me? ugh.. it explains why all the guys who are his friends don't even talk to me/ avoid me. Oh well... I could survive with this rumor.

Then a few days ago I was at the house of a guy I just met. He was pretty awesome... and the first guy I have liked in Idaho this summer when I find out his uncle's (who he is living with) sister was the best friend of the lady I have lived with the past 2 summers. Her and I never got along because I always felt like she was judging me, but I didn't think it was that bad. She had told this guy I liked along with who knows who else that I am a "skank" and she is pretty sure I slept with guys while I lived with her friend or whatever. Let me correct this... FALSE! Yes, I date around a lot... sure I even cuddle with guys easily, but I have NEVER slept with anyone! I am a virgin and proud of it baby! And this "skank" attitude she talks about was last summer when I went dating crazy for the first time in over a year and a half... I had a lot of pent up dating cravings... haha. It was also a phase that many people go through... I rarely date anymore and I don't want people to get the wrong idea.

Now that I have straightened out these ridiculous rumors, I would also like to address another ugly truth... Logan used me. I haven't talked to the guy in a month at least and he calls me up yesterday and admits he used me, says sorry, tells me he is no longer going on a mission because he doesn't feel it is right, and he is back together with his ex Amanda who he has been waiting for to return from California and meanwhile he used me because she wasn't there, but it is "okay" because she made out with a guy while she was gone too. He has hurt me more than any guy I have ever met! Just 2 months ago he was telling me how he still loved me and didn't want me to get over him and he would marry me if he could. RETARD! I don't trust him or any other stupid guy out there! I wish he hadn't called me... I wish I had never become attached to the guy... I wish a lot of things. But all I can do now is look to the future...

My bright wonderful future consists of me moving out of Idaho forever and never returning, going on a road trip with my best friend Anneliesa to California and visiting one of my other super good friends Candi, then the Tuesday after I get back from that week long trip, I get on an airplane to Tennessee to visit my sister Kalli for 2 weeks! Meanwhile, I will be preparing for a wonderful mission where I can become a tool in God's hand to help him spread his gospel that has given me more joy than I have ever known!  I can't wait! All this trouble right now is Satan throwing everything he can find at me to make me miserable, but I can get through it! I know I can! Well, I hope you enjoyed my dramatic life!!

Happy Birthday to ME!!

Tomorrow is my birthday! I should be excited, shouldn't I? I mean... I turn 21 for goodness sakes! I am taking the day off and my boss and coworkers simply say "if you wake up with a hangover, it is not my fault." or "I still expect to see you at work Monday even if you are partying all weekend and have a migrane." Simply put, no one believes me when I say I don't, haven't, and never will drink alcohol. Oh well... that doesn't mean I wont party!! My birthdays are always different every year. I plan on them being "just another day," but somehow, something fun and memorable always pops up last moment.

After graduation I don't even remember what I did for my birthday. I probably just spent it with Anneliesa and hung out like we usually did. And if I can remember right, she got me something from the mall I wanted since I paid for her to get her ears peirced when she turned 18.

2nd summer(2 years ago), I worked on my birthday. And while I was at work, I recieved a lovely sprained ankle... but on the bright side, I was up at Grassy Lake Dam in the middle of the forrest near Yellow Stone when it happened and had seen a black bear the day before this lovely event occured! And my coworkers made me a birthday pie. It was very memorable.

Last summer I had just gotten a boyfriend and he gave me some red roses, took me out to dinner, told me he loved me for the first time, and we ate his favorite cake, German chocolate, with his family. I was up on cloud 9 that day, but sadly, I am single again. Birthdays are always more enjoyable when you have a significant other to share it with.

I am pretty excited for my birthday this year, because one of my super good friends Megan is taking me to Lagoon! We are going to have tons of fun. Some might find Lagoon lame, but I grew up going there. I have even had season passes 2 years before. I love the Samari the most next to Wicked! I just love the adrenaline rush you get when you are flying through the air and who knows how many miles an hour! Maybe that is why I love motorcycles, jet skis, etc. I just love the thrill and the wind blowing through my hair!

This weekend will also be pretty exciting because my singles ward is having an all nighter at a boat dock! What couldn't be fun about that? I am only scared about keeping others awake with my horrible sleeping habits...haha... talk about embarrasing. So this birthday should be just as memorable as the previous ones. :)

So if I don't plan on drinking when I turn 21, what can I do that I couldn't do before? All I can think of is actually being able to go into a bar and order delicious bar food, go to 21+ clubs, and VEGAS!!! That is right... in August, Anneliesa and I are going to Vegas on our road trip to California. We don't have anything planned yet, but I am sure it will be loads of fun! But if you know of anything I can do and haven't thought of, let me know! Thanks for reading!

Epiphony about Drama

So I had an epiphony while driving the other day. A song inspired it... I don't know which one though. Anyway, I realized why there is so much drama with a lot of people. In the song it mentioned how you love someone so much, but when you don't feel loved by that person you fill in that void with other emotions which tend to be negative. And why would you want to fill it with those emotions? Well, because part of you WANTS to feel something from that person and since you can't get love, you settle for anything that comes to mind. So in all reality, if you find people that have emotionally hurt you, it is because you really care about what they think and that person means more to you than you even know. And this can be applied to any relationship... whether it is family, friends, or someone you like(ed). Which to me explains why I had such hard feelings towards my dad... because I haven't felt loved for 8 years, and now that is changing. :) And it also explains why I have trouble getting over some ex relationships... because even after breaking up, I want to feel something from them and this results in drama.

So if we don't want drama in our life, we need to come to terms with not feeling loved... which I have done. Over a week ago I completely stopped talking to my ex. Aren't you proud of me? haha.. some might think I will crack and wont be able to do it, but I feel so at peace with this choice for the first time. I don't want to date him anymore and I don't want to be a part of his family even though they are amazing people. And I am happy! :) Also, I saw my "unexpected" guy, who is in Vegas this summer, on Friday and guess what? I didn't want to be with him either! It is such a relief to have closure like this.

Life is great right now! I saw my bestest friend Anneliesa this last weekend and she sure filled my happy cup up, I have made my friendships with my best guyfriend Matt better, the guy I waited for on his mission (Scott) and I are still friends and I feel completely content with it, I am over guys, and I am going on a mission! Also, my birthday is this Thursday, I am going on a road trip with Anneliesa on Aug 20th, and I will be living with my sister Kalli starting Sept. 12th-ish. I have lots to look forward to! :)

Little Things

Many of us feel as if our life is dull, nothing ever happens, and all we do is the same boring routine of our life day after day after day. You are probably right, but there are little things that go unnoticed. I feel like I just work, read, and sleep, so I have decided to take this time to talk about all those unnoticed things in my life  besides me preparing for a mission.

1. My little sister is almost 16. She is now learning how to drive and at first I was really scared being in the car with her. She was slow to react and very hesitant about everything she was doing. I found myself thinking "she's not ready!" but then I think about the driver I was when I was her age. My first time on the road I thought it was so awesome and ended up accidentally driving on the curb real quick... *eek* I guess I have no room to talk, but I find that I am more protective about my younger sister than anyone else I know. I worry about her, and the idea of her growing up scares me. But every time I visit home, she is more and more grown up and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I can only imagine how much harder it will be for me to see my own kids grow up!
2. One of my best friends since I was born got married June 15th (which is also my parent's anniversary) to her the man she has dated for the past 2 years. I've never seen a more perfect couple! They are finally sealed for time and for all eternity in the Salt Lake City temple. I was her bridesmaid/Maid of Honor and it was an unforgettable experience. I was able to plan her batchelorette party, do her hair for both her wedding and her reception on July 10th, and all the little odds and ends my "2nd family" needed help with. 2 completely different days a month a part in celebration of the marriage of these 2 amazing people. I can't wait until I feel that LOVE that everyone describes that is enough to marry the person. I have come close, but not to that extent. 
3. I just finished my 10th book of the summer!  I have read The Host, Pride and Prejudice, First Love and Forever, 2nd Chances, Now and Forever, In Search of Heaven, A Quiet Promise, At Heaven's Door, Timeless Waltz, and The Gable Faces East. I have become hooked on reading!
4. Slowly I have made a new friend in Burley. Her name in Megan and I didn't realize how much I appreciated her friendship until yesterday. She always brings a smile to my face and I know I will miss her when I move in August.
5. Staying friends is so important to me. As Anneliesa (who calls or texts me literally every day) said "The way I see it is a true friend takes time out of the day to say Hi and see how your doing. It doesn't have to be everyday but that way it shows that they care about you and are interested in your life."  When people show how much I mean to them, it says a lot. One of my good friends told me on Monday that I was genuine and not "fake" when she met me and even though i was dating her brother at the time, she knew we would stay friends no matter what happened. She was right! Another friend told me I am one of the first she can actually turn to talk to and she knows I wont turn on her like other people have. Knowing that these people care about me and to say these kind words to me touched me and made me feel very much less alone. I have friends out there who care about me no matter where I am or what I am doing. Actions speak a thousand words, and these along with many others I will never forget.
6. I went back to my natural hair color a couple weeks ago. At first I missed my blonde highlights a ton! But it is actually growing on me! I am happy to be a brunette again! :)
7. I recently spoke to my dad. And if you read my "why I hate men" blog, you will know I don't have kind feelings towards him, but I saw him a week ago for the first time since Christmas and we talked about everything that has come in between us, and for the first time I forgave him for how much he hurt me. He had no idea and people make mistakes. We decided to start over and talk more often. I still have trouble trusting that he will follow through, but it is a start and I pray that things will get better between us.

Those little things that happen always go unnoticed. I need to appreciate what goes on around me more often. Like that person who stops so I can cross the street, or my roommate who gave me the best rent price you could ever find in Burley, or maybe the future that keeps me hopeful, or the music I listen to and movies I watch, along with a healthy body, and let's not forget my mom who always has such great advice and my sisters who always want me to come visit and stay with them. There is so much to be grateful for! I love my life and I would never want to change anything (except for maybe taking the past out of the present and leaving it where it belongs... in the past). 

Preparation

Life makes me laugh sometimes. Not because it is funny, but because you always find those moments where life stinks or is confusing or something wierd or unexpected happens, but you just laugh because laughing makes you feel good and that little act of laughing can go a long way.

That was kinda off topic, but I like laughing, what can I say? Preparing for my mission has been going great. I just got back from visiting my family in Salt Lake City where I was able to visit the Dentist and Doctor for a physical. I passed both with flying colors! (thank goodness... I wouldn't want to have Terberculosis or anything odd like that) The downside... shots. *dun dun dun* I used to think I didn't mind shots, but that is probably because the last time I really had something injected into me was 10 years ago. I changed my mind. i am fine donating blood, but having a tetnus shot, and Hepatitis A and B shots flowing through my arms is not the most pleasant feeling. My right arm was the worst... it felt like a dead limb just hanging there for an hour. Ok, so I could move it, but I refrained from doing so.
On the plus side, I finished my online papers as well, so now the process has been turned over to my Bishop and I will get the special Bishop interview followed by my Stake President interview. Within weeks after that, I should recieve my call in the mail. I can't wait!!! I wonder where I will go... of coarse I want to go foreign... maybe Japan or Australia or somewhere in Europe, but I know I will go where I am needed. Yesterday I read an Ensign by Elder Ronald A. Rasband called The Divine Call of a Missionary. It was from the Priesthood session of this past General Conference and it talked about the process of deciding where the missionaries go. What really stood out to me most was when he said

"As the process began, a picture of the missionary to be assigned would come up on one of the computer screens. As each picture appeared, to me it was as if the missionary were in the room with us. Elder Eyring would then greet the missionary with his kind and endearing voice: "Good morning, Elder Reier or Sister Yang. How are you today?"”

The article also talked about when recieving revelation to where I missionary is supposed to go, the exact same mission is revealed to everyone who helps decide.

"As we were nearing the completion of that assignment meeting, a picture of a certain missionary appeared on the screen. I had the strongest prompting, the strongest of the morning, that the missionary we had before us was to be assigned to Japan. I did not know that Elder Eyring was going to ask me [if I knew] this one, but amazingly he did. I rather tentatively and humbly said to him, “Japan?” Elder Eyring responded immediately, “Yes, let’s go there.” And up on the computer screen the missions of Japan appeared. I instantly knew that the missionary was to go to the Japan Sapporo Mission.

Elder Eyring did not ask me the exact name of the mission, but he did assign that missionary to the Japan Sapporo Mission."

When I read this, the spirit confirmed in that moment that I would be sent where I was needed. The rest of the article gave me a lot of comfort and I got even more excited than ever to serve a mission! I will probably get my call in August, so if you have any guesses as to where I am going, feel free to post them. I have decided that whoever is closest will get my first letter after leaving the MTC and arriving in my mission.

Something else that I thought was quite funny was when I would tell people I have decided to go on a mission. I would start off by getting them all excited by saying I have big news. Most of them all thought I was engaged... haha... if they really knew my life, they would know I am FAR from that. And guess who several of them thought I was engaged to? Logan. It makes sense since we still love each other. He thought it was funny as well. If we wanted to be engaged, we would be, but no, we are both going on missions. And I honestly don't know if I would even want to marry him right now.
The other funny reaction which I find annoying at the same time is guys. I tell them I am going on a mission and suddenly they are interested in me. This makes no sense whatsoever. Oh well, I have made my decision, and few flattering comments and some attention will not disuade me! HA! The remaining reactions would be that of falling off a chair (Logan's mom), happy crying for me, and being so suprised they thought I was joking.

Well, that is my life. Not very interesting, but apparently I have a dozen readers that I didn't know exsisted until I found out they knew I was going on a mission because of my blog. Sorry if my life is dull, but I am really happy that some people are intersted... it means more than you know. Now if only I could get more comments! ;) well, until next time, this is Kendra saying "Don't forget to brush your teeth and say your prayers!" ... haha...

My Adventures

I am a Land Surveyor. When I tell people my job they simply state "oh, cool." I don't think the quite grasp what I do at work. The closest thing I can relate it to is Geocaching in rough terrain. If you don't know what geochaching is, then to describe my job I will tell you about my amazing work trip up at Ririe Resevoir about 20 miles east of Idaho Falls.

This week was very labor intensive. I have so many new cuts, bruises, calluses (ew... i know) and sore muscles than I know what to do with.
When I arrive at work, we simply set up a "base." This is kind of a reference point for the "points" we record that mark the property boundary. The points we found were mainly brass caps or concrete monuments. Anyway... I am not going to bore you with those details. The part that made this week so hard was that the "points" we were going after were hard to get to. I was climbing up and down 300-400 foot high basalt cliffs. Hard hiking + 90 degree weather + 10 hr work days + an encounter with a rattlesnake (at least it gave me an adrenaline rush to get out) + carrying equipment around with us the entire time = my legs feeling like jello by the end of each day. Okay... so I still don't think I explained just how hard my job actually is, but you will just have to take my word for it.

The week wasn't all that bad though. I enhanced my farmers tan, road around on 4-wheelers, found myself getting along with my work partner better than ever before (he is actually a pretty respectful guy), and I stayed in the BEST hotel my job has ever sent us to! It had cloud beds that I got sucked into, a pool, hot tub, workout center, and a great location near the mall next to the theater and Texas Roadhouse! In addition, the man I still can't seem to get over visited me both Tues and Wed night! :D And if he can make it to visit his family this weekend, I am invited over for the 4th of July.

I was glad he came to visit, I was finally able to tell him how I really felt and we talked about everything. He said if it were up to him, he would marry me right now, but the time is not right because we are both going on missions now. We both still love each other and when he thought I was trying to get over him, he didn't like it. He doesn't want me to move on. And just as always, we ended up kissing again and just as always, it made my heart flutter and melt into oblivion. You would think I would get used to the way he kisses, but it feels like a first kiss over and over and I absolutely love it! Of coarse this still confuses me, but I don't have to worry about it now that I am starting to fill out mission papers. Plus, I cherrish every moment we can just sit and talk and spend time together. We saw Eclipse together (which I liked a lot) and we went hot tubbing and just sat and talked forever. Saying goodbye was difficult. How come this is so much harder for me than it is for him. Somehow I think he has found peace about our situation which I seem to lack. I am more at peace than I was before, but still have trouble seeing it through his eyes.

Enough of me rambling... I am going to go home and catch up on some much needed sleep after a long work week and staying up too late. Happy July 4th! I hope I can have some fun... I don't have any solid plans just yet.

Enlightenment

I feel like my life has changed over night and although it is very unexpected, I am very excited for the future. How has my life changed?

First I want to reflect on the many life changing events that have happened to me over the past 21 years.

1. I was born! July 29th, 1989 was a great day for my mom to have her 3rd daughter. This wonderful event brought me to live with my family on earth. And believe me, my family is a big part of my life.

2. When I was 8 years old I became baptised a member of the LDS church and recieved the Holy Ghost, which has been the best companion to stay with me ever since. Yes, there were moments where I ignored promptings and didn't do what I should have, but without it, I would be lost.

3. When I was 13 years old, my dad moved out of our house and we had to forclose on our half million dollar home and move 5 girls into a small 2 bedroom basement until my mom, who is the most amazing woman I know, was able to provide for us by working 2 jobs without recieving child support, and we lived off of the church store house and government money provided. This was a struggling time in our life, but it truly made us all appreciate what we had and grow closer together than we had ever been in a while. The best part about it is that my mom's testimony never wavered during this great trial; her example is truly amazing to me.

4. At 15 years old I recieved my patriarchal blessing. To this day, this is one of my happiest memories. I will never forget what I felt and what was said. I love re-reading my blessing and gaining new insight into my life.

5. Then the double Ds came: driving and dating at 16 years old. I have had my baby... *cough* ...i mean my black Toyota Corola VE year 2000 since a month after my 16th birthday. It has been 5 years and I am super attached to it.. haha. Dating changed me by introducing me to the opposite sex. I grew up with all girls and really had no idea what guys were like besides when I saw them at school and I knew I was attracted to them. haha... I sure learned a lot!

6. Once I graduated high school I moved out of the house and up to Logan, UT to go to Utah State University. You grow up SO much living on your own. I am a completely different person now than I was in high school... and I am VERY happy about that. I have finished 3 whole years with 2 years of school left. Eventually I will graduate and start yet another chapter of my life.

Well, now we are caught up, but soon I am going to have yet another life changing event. No, I am not getting married... nowhere close. For the past several months nothing has seemed to work out for me and I have spent many night alone wishing I would have some kind of peace that Heavenly Father was leading me in the right direction or some kind of enlightenment on how I can get something out of this boring summer. After much determnation and never giving up, I finally recieved the greatest enlightenment I have ever experienced in my life. During a deep prayer I finally realized what it felt like to "give myself over to the Lord" and I literally told him I would do ANYTHING he asked me to. The answer came instantly and I felt so much peace and strength I cried because I was so happy.

Over the past few months I have also had people ask me if I was going to go on a mission when I turn 21, but I would always say "I have prayed about it and it is not for me." Honestly, I never prayed about it. I don't know if I was scared or if I honestly just never even considered going on one, but I just always said no. I guess Heavenly Father thinks otherwise, because in that moment of peace I knew I needed to serve a mission. I've never felt an answer so strongly before.

My life changed over night. One second I was planning a 4th year at school, but that will have to be put on hold. Goodbye school, work, computer, TV, music, boys, etc. Some might find that to be a sacrifice not worth making, but to me, I don't care. I want to go more than ever now! I feel like everything that has happened in my life has been pointing to this. Everything from relationships not working out, learning a new way to study scriptures, me waiting for a missionary, becoming overjoyed every time one of my friends joined the church, and even my mom and sister serving a mission when they were my age. I can't wait! First I need to finish filling out my papers.. haha. :)

Moving On

Remember my ex who I said got a girlfriend in my 2nd blog? Well, I still am having trouble moving on. I like other guys, go on dates, and try not to think of him... what else can I do? Returning to his home town has brought back all of these memories we made together. I keep having to reread my journal to remind myself of why I broke up with him in the first place, but the problem with that is that he isn't the man he was when we dated. He is even more amazing than before and if it weren't for long distance, I know we would be together again. How do I know?

When I moved back to Idaho I was planning on getting some kind of closure to know that I didn't want to be with him anymore. I hadn't seen him for 4 months since the beginning of January, and I honestly thought I might be able to move on from him. I thought maybe I had imagined how well we read each other or how good of a kisser he was or why I liked him so much. I was wrong. When we hung out, everything I thought I had imagined was real... he was still the man I had loved for those 5 months we dated and realized I still loved. And he felt it too... we still had this amazing connection. Why him? Why do we get along so well? Why do I look for him in guys I date? Why can't I just date him? Oh yeah... I still have 2 years left of college and he wont be moving to Utah anytime soon.

So I've accepted the fact that I will always love him, but I've also accepted the fact that I NEED to move on because it is unhealthy to be hanging onto a small hope that something might work out eventually... i will only get crushed by that. How do I do move on then? I went to a wedding yesterday and some of the girls there were talking about their friend who was in the same situation as me. He couldn't get over a girl and he tried dating others to forget about her, but whenever he broke up with them, he went strait back to liking his ex. I don't want to be like that. The advice they gave him is to stop going on dates. Dating is for those who are looking for "the one" right? You shouldn't date then unless you are ready for that step. That is when I decided I am done looking to even go on dates. Of coarse I wont say no if someone asks, but I need to just learn to be happy by myself. I did it before I met my ex and I can do it again. I might not flirt as much or try to impress anyone, but right now that sounds like a great idea. I can relax and only worry about one person... me.

I love advice on moving on, so if you have any personal stories or great insight you would love to share, then I would love to hear it. Anything to help me finally move on would be great. :D

Self Discovery

So I decided that attending a singles branch over the summer in my small town has been interesting. Most of the singles there are either older mid twenties or fresh out of high school and maybe a few in between. When I meet these new freshies, I always wonder... "was I really THAT annoying when I graduated?" Sadly, I probably was. Even though it has only been 3 years, I feel like it has been at least 6... I feel old.

Over these past few years, I have become more "me" through self discovery. Each experience I go through or person I meet have made a change in my life and helped me discover who I am or want to be. Sometimes I don't like what I find out and that helps me continually improve myself in whatever ways I can. By "falling" I have become stronger in the gospel. By getting my heart broken and breaking hearts I have found more and more of what I do and don't want in my future husband. By going to school, I have discovered new passions like building robots and programming them.

The new discovery of the day happened at work. Here I was surveying some farm land and we had to back out of a canal road... my partner was not the best at this process to say the least. Then he kept being slow to act all day and I just found myself annoyed a little. I thought my last partner was annoying, but for some reason he still made me laugh and we got along just fine. This year my partner and I are so different... I discovered that I like being in control. When I know I can do something... it is hard for me to sit back and just watch someone else mess up over and over. I wish I were 2 people in these moments so I wouldn't need a partner, but then I might drive myself crazy.. haha.

When I realized I like control, it made complete sense. I like control in life.. in where my life is going, who I date, where I live, what I eat. I don't like being told what to do or have someone do something opposite of what I want. I think it all started because growing up I was a pushover and was the one being bossed around and when I decided that wouldn't happen anymore... it went too far I guess. I never realized it. I don't like being a control freak... :( I want to change. I don't want to be that "controlling girlfriend" or "friend who is only there when it is convenient."

How do I fix it? Service. I don't want to be selfish and have people think i want to the world to revolve around me... because I don't. I want others to be happy. Service is not my best skill, but I want to do more of it. This is a work in progress, but that along with patience will help me a lot. I also need to be more appreciative of what I do have instead of always wanting more in life. Yup... so there is plenty to work on and that will never change. :)

Unexpectedly Wrong

So... if you hadn't guessed, this is a follow up on my "unexpected" post. Before I get to that, I am going to start somewhere else.... Idaho has been a complete disappointment. I don't know why I looked forward to coming back here. The most exciting thing that has happened to me was seeing my ex boyfriend for the first time in over 4 months. I have been so bored that I have read 3 books already this summer... which is NOT like me at all. I have felt so lonely that honestly, I have cried about it. Pathetic huh? All I seem to find myself doing is talking on the phone to billions of people, one of which was the guy who unexpectedly entered my life who I thought was oh so amazing.

Then why aren't I happy? Oh yeah... because he lead me on. I've never been lead on like this in my life. He would always send me texts that lit up my day. example: "I miss you." or "I wish you could apparate to Vegas so we could take an afternoon nap together." or "When you visit, I'll tell the people I work with that you are my girlfriend so you can come to the pool." or "I miss cooking with you." or "I wish you were here because there are so many places I want to take you and things I want to do." etc. All cute and make me happy. Those are all texts I would only get if the guy likes me, right? Wrong!

Without notice, suddenly he tells me I should only see him as a friend, he wont be taking any kind of time out of his life for me, and he said "logically it makes sense to like you because you have all of these things I am looking for, but for some reason I don't feel anything." He apologized for leading me on and cancelled my visit to Vegas. And then he wonders why I hate guys. I trust them way too easily thinking "he is different." I am only fooling myself.

Yes, I am hurt. But despite how stupid this situation is, he is still an amazing guy to me. He deserves to be with someone who he can't get enough of and he wants to do all he can for. I guess that is not me. I am not going to let this get to me like i have before.. thank goodness I didn't let my guard down completely. I never truely trusted that he would always be there. Besides, although he has all these things I am looking for, he is not my ex who I still can't get over for some reason. Oh wait... I know why. He is EVERYTHING I am looking for (minus a few minor things... haha).

Who knows what will happen? I still have 2 years left of school and my ex has decided to go on a mission (better late than never, right?). Who knows... maybe I can move to where he is when he gets home. Maybe not. I continually wish I knew my future.. the unknown is a scary place. I guess I will just keep trying to improve myself and Heavenly Father will provide the rest. :)

Thanks for listening to the dramatic life of Kendra Jenson. I hope you enjoyed it... as for me, I am playing some softball with my ward tonight! TOODLES!! :D

Scripture Study

Studying the Bible and Book of Mormon is not something new to me. I read them growing up, went through a phase where I wanted nothing to do with them, then I actually read the Book of Mormon and D&C on my own because I WANTED to. :) Now this is all great because I got into my own personal study habit, but after some time, it started to feel more repetitive and I wasn't getting as much out of reading as I would have liked to. The problem was that I didn't know how to go about doing that!

I have found my answer! :D I feel that Heavenly Father knew what I wanted and placed amazing people into my life in order to achieve this desire. I met my friends Julie, Cory, and Brandon who started inviting me to their group scripture study. I felt funny at first because I usually study by myself, and when I did read with people, I would simply read and then that was it. This study group was one of the best things that has happened to me in my life this past few months! Through my friends personal thoughts on scriptures and questions they come up with while reading, it has expanded my thought process. Now I find myself disecting each word and more questions are popping into my mind. There is a craving to re-read the scriptures more than I have felt in 2 years! I want to be able to not just have a testimony that the gospel is true, but I want to actually KNOW the stories from the prophets. If someone has a question, I want to be able to answer it to the best of my knowledge.

Sadly, I just moved to Idaho for the summer, so our study group wont be able to meet up until this fall. :( Happily, I have found my personal study improving greatly. It brings a lot of happiness into my life. I want to create a small study group up here as soon as I become friends with people in the singles branch. Until then, I will just keep on climbing and working on improving myself... no more plateuing in my spritual growth.

Love Languages

How do I know someone likes me? You think it would be easy, but every person communicates their feelings differently. It is not just one universal language.
Ever since I started dating, I have heard of "love languages" people have. Apparently they come from a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It explains how people communicate to others that they love them or how they need to be treated in order to feel that they are loved. The five languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. I had a good idea of what my main 2 love languages were, but I went and took the test online... http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp
My results: Quality Time and Physical Touch, just like I thought. That explains everything, doesn't it? It explains why long distance/army guys are so hard for me to date! There is no physical touch there, so the guy had better put all the effort he has into making quality time out of the situation. Unfortunately, most guys don't care as much about spending so much time talking on the phone. They rather be outside living their lives. When to me, if you really wanted to be with the person, you would put just as much effort into the relationship as if they were there in person. Therefor, I might just be willing to do a long distance again if the person has that quality time language to offer. Otherwise, goodbye! It wont work. Been there, done that, and I am sorry.

What I also find interesting is that these love languages can be applied in friendships and family relationships as well. Have you ever noticed how you get along better with some people better than others? Why is that? Or maybe some people just tend to drive you crazy? It is most likely because the way they communicate their feelings for you is opposite than how you communicate your feelings. That creates clashing. But that doesn't mean you can't work through it. After getting to know a person and figuring out how they feel loved and needed, you can apply their language in how you communicate with them even if it doesn't make any sense to you.

Sorry if I am not making any sense. I sometimes have that effect on people because it is crystal clear in my head, I promise. Well, I am done with today's ramble. Hope you all can figure out your own love language! It might help you understand yourself a little bit more. :)

Unexpected

“The best things in life are unexpected - because there were no expectations.”

You know how when dating, the people you like don't like you and people you don't like end up liking you? It happens a lot. And because of this, I have had to give the "I just want to be friends" speech more than I ever wanted to. I hate giving it. And I hate receiving it as well, which is why for the past almost 2 months, I have stopped really liking guys. I have this wall up and seem to have stopped looking for anything serious. Yes, I get attracted to guys, but I don't trust them that they will actually try to be a part of my life or want to be around me.

Which brings me to what unexpectedly has happened recently. For the first time in a long time, I was finally happy to not like any guys and to be truly single. I stopped trying to impress anyone and decided I would just try working on myself until Fall semester came around. People say that when you finally stop looking for something, you end up finding it. I feel like this might have happened to me.

I stopped looking for a guy to love and care for me, and then last week someone unexpectedly asked for my number. I didn't think anything of it because I've had plenty ask me for my number and then never call or lose interest within days, but this time was different. This guy was amazing. So far, he has all these qualities I have been looking for plus some things I love that I never thought I wanted. He is definitely not "perfect for me," but no one is. I enjoy just being in his company. And he seems to like having me in his life. Then what is the problem?

The problem is that I put up a wall so I wouldn't be able to be hurt again. Even though we have spent everyday together, I am scared he will suddenly not like me or want me in his life. There are times where I feel like I can't make him smile like I want to. I feel like he has a wall up as well and I would do anything to break it down. I just don't know where to start. I know this sounds cheesy since we have only know each other for a week, but I want him to know how much he means to me. Any suggestions? jk...

I'll figure it out on my own. I want him to like me for me and the ideas I come up with on my own. It just might take some time. Maybe even a whole summer apart where we just focus on our friendship. Both of us are leaving Logan and don't want a long distance relationship because of past relationships, so friends is what we will be. I wonder what will happen come this fall. Unexpected things always happen, and I can say, I am happy this man entered my life.

Non-committal cuddling

Non-committal cuddling. One question... why do I do it? I had a friend ask me this question on Saturday and all day Sunday it really got me thinking. Why do I do it? My initial response was "because it is comforting."

Some people are against it because it leads people on and someone ends up getting hurt. Which could be true, but I always tried to make a point of letting the person know it was non-committal before actually doing it. But does that make it any better? I still have found that 1 of several things ends up happening...

They get attached to me
I get attached to them
The cuddling gets boring and pointless or
The cuddling gets out of control.

And are any of these situations that good? I don't think so.

Then I have come to realize that the guys I tend to like a lot aren't a fan of cuddling with someone unless they really like them. What happens if they find out I cuddle with other guys even if I don't like these other guys? Would they suddenly not like me? Although to me, it is not a big deal, I don't want to miss out on someone because of something stupid I could have changed.

After taking a day to think about all of this, I have officially made a new goal. I am done non-committal cuddling. It may be hard because I am so used to doing it, but I honestly believe I can do it. Now, when I end up cuddling with someone, it will be because I really do like them and want to be with them. The question I have now is... how do I turn down cuddling with someone who thinks I am a non-committal cuddler without making them feel rejected? haha... I'll figure it out. :)

My logical yet non-logical mind.

My mind is a mess. It is a tangled web of confusing that not even I can figure it out. Why do i think the way I do? Half of the time I don't know why I did what I did in the past. There are so many times that I surprise myself and find a new discovery that I never knew about myself. I guess it is because I am still growing and I never stop and I am constantly changing... in a sense.

For example, I am sitting in my friend's kitchen and they are droning on about who knows what, right? I start looking around the room out of boredom and notice the grain in the wooden table. Then I start wondering "I wonder what type of wood this is made out of?" or "is this soft or hard wood? Can I dig my nail in it?" Why in the world is my woods class coming to mind? And again.. I am taking my normal bus ride to campus and we drive by multiple houses and I find myself wondering "What type of house would that be? Victorian? Contemporary? Ranch?" Stupid architecture class! One more example. A few weeks ago I was up at Beaver Resort learning how to Snowboard. My first time down the hill I didn't know how to stop and literally ran head on into this poor girl who couldn't get out of the way in time. Now why in the world on my drive home did I think to myself "I wonder with how fast I was going and my mass, how fast we traveled together the moment we collided with each other?" I am sorry, but this is NOT right! My mind is so strange.

Which then makes me think... wow... I live on campus at least 50 hours a week and work 20 hours and then apparently, when I am supposed to be having fun, school still runs my life!

Many readers right now are probably thinking I am nuts! or boring... and nerdy. I guess I am a little nerdy, but that is beside the point. I just want to know why my mind is the way it is. Why doesn't History or Biology make any sense to me? Why is it that I am an Engineering major yet I absolutely love dancing. To me, they don't even fit into the same category. I guess I need to stop looking for the logic and just face the truth...

... I think WAY too much... about everything...

Why do I think so much? Most girls do I have noticed. We really shouldn't because then we over think and read into everything and our judgment becomes impaired. Guys minds are so much more simple. They say things how they are and can only think of one things at a time instead of jumping from topic to topic like girls do. If everyone thought like a guy, life would be so much more simple. I guess that is why I enjoy hanging out with guys more than girls... and their communication habits tend to rub off on me (a little) so now I try my best to be blunt with my feelings instead of beating around the bush. See... one step closer to thinking like a guy, right? <--this is obviously over thinking.. haha

Well, that is all for today. I hope you had fun with my rambling and learning more about my logical yet non-logical mind. :)

Moments in Time

Throughout my life, when dating life gets frustrating, there have been moments in time where non-LDS life seems so much more enjoyable before getting married. I could do whatever I wanted, date someone who has an amazing personality even though they aren't temple worthy... I know plenty of guys I would be interested in if this were the case, and since I would be able to live with guys/ "move in," I would be able to know if it was right before running off and getting married so young. No wonder they see LDS people as odd.

As I said, these are just moments in time. I love being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. No, I don't have all the answers... but I know without a doubt in my mind that this gospel holds the truth. How do I know? I have faith. I have felt the holy ghost in my life countless times.

There was a time in my life where I questioned the church. I had just moved away from home and finally had to make decisions for myself. I found myself not going to church, hanging out with a more party type crowd and making decisions I deeply regret to this day. Of coarse, at the time, I couldn't care less... then one night I started asking myself "where is my life going?" I felt empty and had no direction, so I started searching. I hung out with people who didn't believe in a God, someone who was a Scientologist, and others who believed in Christ but not everything the LDS church counseled us to do (that is where I fit in at the time). But over time, i started hanging out with my neighbors across the hall in my apt. They were a lot of fun, and for some reason I found myself most happy in their presence. After several months, they started getting me to go to FHE again and eventually Sacrament. Before I knew it, i wanted to go... not just for my friends, but for myself. Sure, I still kinda felt like an outcast, but what everyone else thought about me didn't matter... I was finally becoming truly happy again. After what felt like a long process, I finally started taking the sacrament again and received my temple recommend. I never before appreciated what blessings come with the temple. I made a promise with my Heavenly Father then that I would marry someone who I could be sealed to in the temple and honors their covenants.

A couple days ago I was reading a talk by Elder Nelson and he said

"With each ordinance is a covenant—a promise. A covenant made with God is not restrictive, but protective. Such a concept is not new. For example, if our water supply is not clean, we filter the water to screen out harmful ingredients. Divine covenants help us to filter out of our minds impurities that could harm us. When we choose to deny ourselves of all ungodliness, we lose nothing of value and gain the glory of eternal life. Covenants do not hold us down; they elevate us beyond the limits of our own power and perspective."

This quote is so true. I do not feel held down by being a member of the LDS church. Why would I feel burdened by such a wonderful blessing in my life? I don't. I feel happier and safe and so sure. When I think about the future, I see myself married to a worthy priesthood holder. He may not be perfect, but no one is. Someone once insisted I was looking for a "cookie cutter" boyfriend, but I am sorry, that is completely untrue. To me, getting married in the temple is the MOST important thing in a man I seriously date. Besides that specific quality of being temple worthy, if I can get along with them and am happy, then I will surely give them a chance.

My last blog might have sounded a little depressing... because I was a little depressed I guess. But I have faith that even though I have hard times, Heavenly Father will lead me in the direction I need to be.

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never ever the same." - Flavia Weed.

I guess all these guys that have been in my life have helped me become who I am today and that is all that matters. I am happy with who I am right now and one day I will find someone who I love with all of my heart.

Why I Hate Men!

Why do I hate men? Well, I guess I don't hate them, but I sure don't trust them either. Or maybe I trust them too easily... who knows.

Anyway, it all started with my dad. Growing up I was a "daddy's little girl" and would do everything with my dad. Then when my parents divorced, he just up and left me to move to Chicago and I didn't hear from him for over a year. I was crushed and couldn't stop crying after he moved out of the house because my daddy had just abandoned me! I haven't completely trusted him ever since. He is the type of guy who will say one thing and never follow through... making me not trust a single promise that comes out of his mouth. And now 8 years later, I still don't have a good relationship... oh well. And what sucks is that now whenever I meet a half decent guy, I am immediately on defense and if I see any of my dad in them, I don't trust half of what they say and get scared away.

Now I should explain why I don't like army men, no offense if one of you might be reading this. For some reason I always find myself attracted to guys and later find out they are in the army or want to be. I have dated too many of these and all of them turn out to be fickle in a sense. Yes, they are hard workers, but they make life decisions too quickly and never take time to seriously think about things. This alone makes a long distance relationship with one way too hard and I don't think I could ever do it again.

Which brings me onto the next thing that has ruined my view of men... long distance relationships. It seems all my relationships turn into this, and now I will NEVER do it again. I waited for a missionary for 2 whole years. I wrote him almost every week... sometimes even twice a week. We talked about marriage and how life would be when he came home and how much he loved me and wanted to hold me in his arms.

(I'll stop before I get too mushy)

Anyway, it feels like it was all a lie. He came home and the man in the letters was not there at all. He told me I should stop waiting for him, that there was someone better out there for me, and he didn't love me "that way" anymore. Coming from a guy who I wanted to marry... this hurt more than anything else. I regret ever waiting for him... because of this I couldn't completely date anyone else and turned down a lot of guys for him.. for this man who I thought was the most amazing guy in the world. He balanced me out, my family LOVED him, and he was every thing I needed.. and within moments, my future went *POOF* What I am trying to say is, there is no perfect out there. Now when I find someone who I think is just SO amazing, I will probably second guess myself a lot.

Another long distance story was this guy in Idaho. He was my "boy twin" or as close as it gets. We had everything in common from our fav ice cream to least fav food to fav movies and music and hobbies and habits and we got along amazing! Everything was picture perfect until I returned to Utah for school and slowly long distance tore us apart. I could come up with a billion excuses as to why, but point blank... long distance takes A LOT of work, and if you don't give it your all and put as much time into the relationship as you would if they were there, it probably wont work. It is called commitment!

So lets summarize so far, I don't want someone like my dad or a soldier or long distance. You think that would be easy in a college town filled with who knows how many singles, right? wrong! I have this "bar" I have set from past experiences, and every guy who fits that bar considers me as "just friends" or "one of the guys." This happens far too often for me to even count. But I guess that is what I get for hanging out with guys all the time (girls have WAY too much drama for me.. I can barely handle my own).

I don't think I have really stated why I hate men right now though. Lets see... within the past month I have been rejected by 3 guys. One being a man in my classes who I have been friends with for over a year and definitely has all these qualities I am looking for. This was a "just friends" situation. Second was my ex in Idaho.. who apparently has another girlfriend now. The third would be the one I wanted to be with most of all... my missionary. Is it just me? What am I doing wrong? Why would I get turned down so much within such a short period of time between each of them. I don't understand. Therefor, I hate men.

I am done looking to get married... I am just going to go back to having fun until I graduate in 2 more years and move away from here! Besides I have a great group of friends right now! None of which want to get married for at least 4 or 5 more years! It is perfect! haha... they are the only reason I have been able to survive this past month and kept a smile on my face. :)

Welcome

Hey, so I have officially been inspired by my friend Brandon to start a blog. I kept one in highschool, but after taking a look at that one, I simply laughed at how ridiculous I was and decided to start a new one. To start, I will introduce myself.

My name is Kendra Mikel Jenson. I am 20 years old and will finally turn 21 this July while everyone is away for the summer and most likely wont remember that the 29th is the most amazing day out of the entire year because it is all focused on ME!!! haha.. jk... it is simply another day of work, of life, or whatever else seems to be happening. Right now I am a Senior creditwise yet I find myself with 2 years left of college! I will be a Super Super Senior BABY!!! YEAH! Why am I in college so long? Well, I originally was a Civil Engineering major for 1.5 years and hardly any of those classes transferred over to my current major in Engineering and Technology Engineering.

Yes, I am a nerd, and that is a fact.

You want all the facts? Well, I am a girl who enjoys math, was in the chess club in Jr. High, get excited when I start talking about Land Surveying, know what a GNandM code is for robots, loved using Autocad in my drafting and architecture classes, etc. Do I have you convinced? Oh, and I don't mind playing video games at all... which I probably shouldn't admit. Too late!

Besides the nerdyness, I think I am a pretty awesome person! haha... jk. I grew up in Salt Lake City, Utah and although I had a great life growing up there, I don't ever want to live there. It is too crowded for me.... small towns have definately grown on me. :) And if I am still single when I graduate, I want to travel and try living somewhere else for a while. Heck, people I meet from outside of Utah tell me I don't act like I am from Utah. I take that as a compliment for some reason.

Some random facts about me: I love movies. I own over 100 and if I had more money I would definately own more. I have mood eyes... meaning the color of my eyes changes with my mood. It makes it kinda hard to hide me feelings from anyone that knows this evil secret... which would now be whoever is reading this. I LOVE dancing! If I could I would minor in it. Dancing is my freedom. It is the way I get out emotion and express myself and simply have fun. I played the violin for 8 years and piano for 4 and choir for 2 and just started guitar a little over a year ago and love it. Music is amazing to me. I sometimes break out into random song or dance! :D

There is so much more about me, but some things are just meant to be learned. I love my family TONS! My mom and sisters are the best thing that have ever happened to me. Well, that is it for today. I will start some real topics next time!