More Dating Frustration

I have wondered why I am not married. I think I am an amazing woman. I am smart, beautiful, talented, optimistic, friendly, sociable, dedicated, spiritual, a hard worker, persistent, family oriented, loyal, understanding, etc. What is keeping me from that great blessing so many of my friends have taken part of? Some say it is because I served a mission, but I have been home for 20 months now and am still single. Some say it is because it is not God's timing. Yeah, that could make sense, except why would he purposely postpone such a great experience? They say any 2 faithful people can make a marriage work, so I don't fully think that God's timing has to do with it. My mom thinks I am too picky. I wish I could say no to that, but after having so much dating experience, I do feel like I know a little more of what I need and what I want in a relationship. And I don't feel picky because there are several people each year that I find myself interested in. Another friend would say I just keep falling for guys who are not on the same level as me, which is also true. I need someone who knows what they want in life and is ready for a serious relationship... not one about marriage, but about commitment and really focusing on getting to know each other. Marriage talk can come once we get to the point where we can't imagine life without the other person in it. Yet, all the guys I have been dating since I got home from my mission move too fast then back out suddenly (This happened 3 times already). I am exhausted of all of these excuses. I am exhausted of wondering why? Can I be done with dating? I don't think my heart will let that happen.

So here I am after another conversation with a guy about how he is sorry he moved too quickly, how he is scared of hurting me, how he doesn't feel like he could provide for a future with me, and he has to figure out his life first. This is a duplicate conversation of one I had with my ex back in August. It also reminded me of a year ago when Cory and I decided to go back to being friends after dating for 4 days until we got school situated and then we got together a month later. I feel like I am repeating past relationships. The only difference is that I already lived through that and I don't have the same patience and willpower because I don't want to get hurt again. Is that wrong of me? I saw this quote on Pinterest that I liked.

"Smart girls are over thinkers, the insecure ones, the different ones. They know what the real world is like. They analyze every little thing in life. Why? To avoid getting hurt. To find happiness. They stay up at night trying to think about every possible situation to get through all the problems. They think too much. They trust fewer people. Their insecurity proves their respect towards themselves. Of course they try to live away from drama filled life. Smart girls know their worth. Now those are the ones worth keeping by your side."

So here I am at 1AM on a Thursday night being smart... thinking about how I can stop repeating my dating mistakes.

My heart is vulnerable from all sorts of hard things I have been going through lately. I don't like feeling vulnerable or the feeling that comes when you wonder what someone is doing or why you haven't heard from them. It makes me feel like I am "needy." I always considered that term negative and have done all I can to avoid being called such. But I decided to do a little research on the actual meaning of it. Dr Craig Malkin explains the reason for the behavior very well in an article he wrote called "How to Overcome Neediness." It is not because we want to feel needed, but because of a fear of being abandoned. This fear is rooted with people who were abandoned as children and neglected usually from divorce or their parent's being to caught up in their own lives. These fears, I admit, are real in my life. My parent's divorced when I was 13, which I am told is one of the toughest ages for one, and after that, my dad disappeared, I stopped trusting him, my mom became to busy working to support us that she didn't have time to attend my activities or have much "one on one" time with me. At the time, I never realized the emotional affects it would have on me. Now, I have a huge fear of "being alone" which includes divorce or losing friends. Obviously, the nagging fear that someone isn't calling because they don't like me anymore is a result of this childhood experience as well that has become, unfortunately, part of my personality. To understand more, read the article I mentioned.

I don't always feel needy though... not in every relationship. As long as my love language of quality time is being met, my needs are filled and this give me security. I don't need a "boyfriend" title. The guy I dated back in April is proof of that. We were never exclusive, never planned a future together, but he was always there and we spent almost every day together while I went on dates with other guys at the same time. He showed me that healthy drama free relationships were possible. I felt more fulfilled by his friendship than most boyfriends I have ever had. Why? because we spent time together and became such close friends that even though miles still separate us, we still turn to each other as friends. So many guys over-complicate things. They interpret my desire to spend time with them often as something more serious than it needs to be. I don't know why. After all of this reflecting, I realize that what I do know is that I want what I had in April back. A great friend that I could talk to about anything and everything and they had this magical way of making sense of the world and validating my feelings and making me feel appreciated and valued. I felt like I was home. I will never forget that feeling... and that is what I am looking for.

How Real are Fears?

Dictionary.com say that fear is "a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid." I have met a lot of new people over the last few months since I finally dived into a real social life, and I realized one main factor controlling people and their behaviors:fear. I wrote in my last blog that I had learned that my past doesn't dictate my future, which is true, but somehow I keep referring to it when I come to similar situations where I feel like I may be reliving the same mistake thus bringing the buried pain to the surface once more. This is because the emotion of fear is aroused by impending danger or pain, even if imagined.

I am going to use a poll taken in my singles ward about dating as an example. Our Sunday school teacher had sent us a survey to find out people's points of views on dating. I am not going to focus on the dating aspect, although I find it ironic that secretly we all feel the same and assume everyone sees it differently, but I will focus on why people don't have the desire to date. The main reasons were that they were getting over someone or they had fears of past relationships. After speaking with a few people in my ward and sharing my own thoughts, I have come to realize I am not alone in this battle of fears.

One of my friends had a bad experience with long distance. He felt that it was a burden and the commitment to always call the same time every day and repeat the same conversation. And to add my own thoughts, long distance is hard because you feel like you have to make up for the time you couldn't have with the person in other ways. Stress is involved as you feel like you are not meeting the other person's expectations or maybe someone feels neglected or that they are missing out. Anyway, this person no longer has faith in long distance. He lets that fear rule the faith that could exist in giving that scenario a second chance.
Another friend had a bad experience feeling like they were sloppy seconds... meaning that the girl liked their friend first and then came to him when that did not work. They gave it a shot, but it did not work. I have been there as well. I have felt that I was not good enough for that person because they didn't like me to begin with... and I was just "convenient." We all want to be adored to begin with and have people chase after us and want us in their life. Now my friend has let this fear control their dating experiences because of the heart ache of trying it out the first time.

Then of course, I have trust issues. I have fears of putting myself out there again because every time I do, I end up getting hurt and the person leaves me. My faith in dating is dwindling because it all leads to disappointment. I have a fear of divorce because many of my family members have gone through divorce. I have a fear of being lonely in marriage because I usually only make good friends with guys and not girls which is not okay after you get married. I have a fear of not being good enough because in my last relationship I always felt like I had to be setting goals to be better and be someone I was not. These fears have come to control my life and made me more picky than ever before.

How so? Based upon past failed experiences, I no longer am interested in guys very easily. For example, (I am going to over exaggerate for a second)if they only talk about the gospel or their mission on the first date, they are out. If they sound like a dreamer, they are out... I need a hopeful realist. If they can't open up to me, they are out. If they joke about the commandments and taking them seriously, they are out. If they complain about everything, they are out. If they don't understand the atonement, they are out. If I have to lead the conversation, they are out. If they have several years left of school, not interested.. since I graduate this December. If they are too touchy feely at first, I am very hesitant. If they talk politics hard core or watch a lot of sports, they are out. If they seem to agree with me on everything, they are out... I need a guy who knows what he wants and voices it. If they want to stay living in Utah, they are out. If they haven't had much dating experience, they are sadly, out... I am not going to train someone else how to have a girlfriend. If they are about to move, I am hesitant. If they flirt with everything that breathes, grow up. If they spend money on things I feel are unwise, I am hesitant. I could keep going, but all of these are based upon trying to date guys that had these traits and things going wrong. I fear of getting myself into the same situation and repeating the same mistakes.

I spoke with my best friend's husband about how he came to decide to marry her. He was in his late twenties and had been through several failed relationships. How did he look past his fears? First of all, he stopped making dating like a checklist. He said that in the end, they just had chemistry... simple as that. They had grown to love an imperfect person perfectly. Secondly, they dated for more than 2 months. In fact, they dated for two years! Why "so long?" Because it takes time to get over fears.

A close friend of mine explained that just like when you sin and you use the atonement to become clean again. You aren't suddenly "better" after baptism or taking the sacrament or what not. It is a gradual process that comes as a person makes small changes and decisions in their lives. They experiment upon the commandments and see the blessings that come as they follow these new "rules" and they begin to have faith that the change is good for them. It is the same with overcoming fear. We can't just remove the fear overnight. It is not possible. It takes time and it takes experimenting in small ways that in time, you see the blessings and your faith begins to overpower that fear.

So next time we see someone afraid to take a leap of faith, try to understand. Try to be there for them as they experiment and be patient. We also need to be patient with ourselves. Some fears are ingrained deep within us and will take longer than others. I hope that I can find a guy who will be patient with my fears as well. And if you feel like you are so focused on your fears that you have lost faith in taking a step forward and putting yourself out there again, try to think at least one of them that you may experiment upon. Use prayer and Heavenly Father's help to overcome it. Tell him of your experiment. I did in March and he answered my prayer. One of my fears is gone and replaced by faith, but I still have plenty more to remove. We can't let fears rule our decisions in life... we would be holding ourselves back from a potential amazing future/opportunity if we did so. I challenge you to make a leap of faith and trust in Heavenly Father. Thanks for listening!

My KC adventure story.

"It is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all."

Over these past 5 months, I have learned a lot about what is really important and in relationships. Yes, we get excited when we find someone we can talk to for hours on end,they have all these amazing qualities you are looking for, and you find common future goals as well. Cory was an amazing listener, spiritual, gave honest advice, complimentative, observant, thoughtful with his gifts, confident, a hard worker, charismatic, and best of all... he could make me laugh. We also both want to travel the world, could speak Swedish, wanted to raise a family with the same morals, have similar communication habits, and so many other similarities. But isn't that how all relationships begin? People (including me) get over excited about the great qualities and the future that could be that we look past important details.

During our complicated friendship, we spent time singing at retirement homes on Sundays, going to FHE and ward prayer together, telling stories and sharing dreams and goals. He helped me realize that my past didn't dictate my future and I have the potential to become an amazing tool in God's hands and mother for my future family. My confidence grew as I saw that woman staring back at me in the mirror; life around me on our journey blossomed. The more time I spent with Cory, the more I realized how much I wanted him in my life. I tried to date around and just when I almost gave up waiting, he decided to become exclusive with me! How could I, an ordinary girl from Utah, be dating an extraordinary guy like him?

I remember how startled I was when we start talking about marriage quickly into our relationship. I had cold feet and instantly wondered if I was really ready for that kind of commitment. After praying and doing some personal study, I felt in my heart that all I needed was faith in us. That answer carried me over the following month as I learned that a relationship is not about what I want; it is about what the other person needs. The song "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz resonated my thoughts. As our focus changed to enjoying dating each other instead of marriage, I stopped trying to be perfect and somehow our relationship became just that... a relationship. I was happy and my appreciation for Cory in my life was insurmountable.

Over Christmas break we flew to Japan where I was able to meet his family. This trip is unforgettable! We spent more time together than ever before doing all sorts of fun touristy and Christmas things together. Christmas came and Cory gave me the most thoughtful gift ever. He found a book that is out of print that I have been wanting for a few years, "The Gable Faces East" by Anita Stansfeild. Despite this amazing week, old fears came back as marriage talk returned.

I have concluded that in the end, he was just not ready. We had reached a point in our journey where we either had to make that step forward and get engaged or break up. It was a hard choice because I have faith that I could have waited longer until he was ready to take that step. I also feel like you don't need to know 100%... just have faith. He was the first guy I have ever honestly wanted to marry, but it isn't about me. What do I do now? Simple answer: trust in Heavenly Father. He loves his children and although things don't always make sense, he is always watching out for them and will continue to build them up for your future. Elder Jospeh B. Wirthlin explains going through adversity and trusting in God in this great Mormon message: "Come What May and Love It."

A good friend of mine said to me "Heavenly Father would never leave you sad. He will always find someone better for you that makes you happier than the person before you did." Lets be honest; I would not want to marry someone if they would doubt afterwards if they made the right choice or if they were always worried about making me happy. So now I can say that I am grateful that Cory could see what I couldn't and have the courage to love me enough to break up with me so I can find that someone out there who loves me without a doubt. Yes, I am sad... breakups are not easy, but I have a choice to be happy, hopeful, and optimistic. I mean, come on, look at all those handsome RMs walking around Provo! haha. But seriously, I want to be able to move on so that I can look back with happiness and even have a friendship with Cory as well. That is my goal. :) Wish me luck!