How Real are Fears?

Dictionary.com say that fear is "a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid." I have met a lot of new people over the last few months since I finally dived into a real social life, and I realized one main factor controlling people and their behaviors:fear. I wrote in my last blog that I had learned that my past doesn't dictate my future, which is true, but somehow I keep referring to it when I come to similar situations where I feel like I may be reliving the same mistake thus bringing the buried pain to the surface once more. This is because the emotion of fear is aroused by impending danger or pain, even if imagined.

I am going to use a poll taken in my singles ward about dating as an example. Our Sunday school teacher had sent us a survey to find out people's points of views on dating. I am not going to focus on the dating aspect, although I find it ironic that secretly we all feel the same and assume everyone sees it differently, but I will focus on why people don't have the desire to date. The main reasons were that they were getting over someone or they had fears of past relationships. After speaking with a few people in my ward and sharing my own thoughts, I have come to realize I am not alone in this battle of fears.

One of my friends had a bad experience with long distance. He felt that it was a burden and the commitment to always call the same time every day and repeat the same conversation. And to add my own thoughts, long distance is hard because you feel like you have to make up for the time you couldn't have with the person in other ways. Stress is involved as you feel like you are not meeting the other person's expectations or maybe someone feels neglected or that they are missing out. Anyway, this person no longer has faith in long distance. He lets that fear rule the faith that could exist in giving that scenario a second chance.
Another friend had a bad experience feeling like they were sloppy seconds... meaning that the girl liked their friend first and then came to him when that did not work. They gave it a shot, but it did not work. I have been there as well. I have felt that I was not good enough for that person because they didn't like me to begin with... and I was just "convenient." We all want to be adored to begin with and have people chase after us and want us in their life. Now my friend has let this fear control their dating experiences because of the heart ache of trying it out the first time.

Then of course, I have trust issues. I have fears of putting myself out there again because every time I do, I end up getting hurt and the person leaves me. My faith in dating is dwindling because it all leads to disappointment. I have a fear of divorce because many of my family members have gone through divorce. I have a fear of being lonely in marriage because I usually only make good friends with guys and not girls which is not okay after you get married. I have a fear of not being good enough because in my last relationship I always felt like I had to be setting goals to be better and be someone I was not. These fears have come to control my life and made me more picky than ever before.

How so? Based upon past failed experiences, I no longer am interested in guys very easily. For example, (I am going to over exaggerate for a second)if they only talk about the gospel or their mission on the first date, they are out. If they sound like a dreamer, they are out... I need a hopeful realist. If they can't open up to me, they are out. If they joke about the commandments and taking them seriously, they are out. If they complain about everything, they are out. If they don't understand the atonement, they are out. If I have to lead the conversation, they are out. If they have several years left of school, not interested.. since I graduate this December. If they are too touchy feely at first, I am very hesitant. If they talk politics hard core or watch a lot of sports, they are out. If they seem to agree with me on everything, they are out... I need a guy who knows what he wants and voices it. If they want to stay living in Utah, they are out. If they haven't had much dating experience, they are sadly, out... I am not going to train someone else how to have a girlfriend. If they are about to move, I am hesitant. If they flirt with everything that breathes, grow up. If they spend money on things I feel are unwise, I am hesitant. I could keep going, but all of these are based upon trying to date guys that had these traits and things going wrong. I fear of getting myself into the same situation and repeating the same mistakes.

I spoke with my best friend's husband about how he came to decide to marry her. He was in his late twenties and had been through several failed relationships. How did he look past his fears? First of all, he stopped making dating like a checklist. He said that in the end, they just had chemistry... simple as that. They had grown to love an imperfect person perfectly. Secondly, they dated for more than 2 months. In fact, they dated for two years! Why "so long?" Because it takes time to get over fears.

A close friend of mine explained that just like when you sin and you use the atonement to become clean again. You aren't suddenly "better" after baptism or taking the sacrament or what not. It is a gradual process that comes as a person makes small changes and decisions in their lives. They experiment upon the commandments and see the blessings that come as they follow these new "rules" and they begin to have faith that the change is good for them. It is the same with overcoming fear. We can't just remove the fear overnight. It is not possible. It takes time and it takes experimenting in small ways that in time, you see the blessings and your faith begins to overpower that fear.

So next time we see someone afraid to take a leap of faith, try to understand. Try to be there for them as they experiment and be patient. We also need to be patient with ourselves. Some fears are ingrained deep within us and will take longer than others. I hope that I can find a guy who will be patient with my fears as well. And if you feel like you are so focused on your fears that you have lost faith in taking a step forward and putting yourself out there again, try to think at least one of them that you may experiment upon. Use prayer and Heavenly Father's help to overcome it. Tell him of your experiment. I did in March and he answered my prayer. One of my fears is gone and replaced by faith, but I still have plenty more to remove. We can't let fears rule our decisions in life... we would be holding ourselves back from a potential amazing future/opportunity if we did so. I challenge you to make a leap of faith and trust in Heavenly Father. Thanks for listening!