Self Discovery

So I decided that attending a singles branch over the summer in my small town has been interesting. Most of the singles there are either older mid twenties or fresh out of high school and maybe a few in between. When I meet these new freshies, I always wonder... "was I really THAT annoying when I graduated?" Sadly, I probably was. Even though it has only been 3 years, I feel like it has been at least 6... I feel old.

Over these past few years, I have become more "me" through self discovery. Each experience I go through or person I meet have made a change in my life and helped me discover who I am or want to be. Sometimes I don't like what I find out and that helps me continually improve myself in whatever ways I can. By "falling" I have become stronger in the gospel. By getting my heart broken and breaking hearts I have found more and more of what I do and don't want in my future husband. By going to school, I have discovered new passions like building robots and programming them.

The new discovery of the day happened at work. Here I was surveying some farm land and we had to back out of a canal road... my partner was not the best at this process to say the least. Then he kept being slow to act all day and I just found myself annoyed a little. I thought my last partner was annoying, but for some reason he still made me laugh and we got along just fine. This year my partner and I are so different... I discovered that I like being in control. When I know I can do something... it is hard for me to sit back and just watch someone else mess up over and over. I wish I were 2 people in these moments so I wouldn't need a partner, but then I might drive myself crazy.. haha.

When I realized I like control, it made complete sense. I like control in life.. in where my life is going, who I date, where I live, what I eat. I don't like being told what to do or have someone do something opposite of what I want. I think it all started because growing up I was a pushover and was the one being bossed around and when I decided that wouldn't happen anymore... it went too far I guess. I never realized it. I don't like being a control freak... :( I want to change. I don't want to be that "controlling girlfriend" or "friend who is only there when it is convenient."

How do I fix it? Service. I don't want to be selfish and have people think i want to the world to revolve around me... because I don't. I want others to be happy. Service is not my best skill, but I want to do more of it. This is a work in progress, but that along with patience will help me a lot. I also need to be more appreciative of what I do have instead of always wanting more in life. Yup... so there is plenty to work on and that will never change. :)

Unexpectedly Wrong

So... if you hadn't guessed, this is a follow up on my "unexpected" post. Before I get to that, I am going to start somewhere else.... Idaho has been a complete disappointment. I don't know why I looked forward to coming back here. The most exciting thing that has happened to me was seeing my ex boyfriend for the first time in over 4 months. I have been so bored that I have read 3 books already this summer... which is NOT like me at all. I have felt so lonely that honestly, I have cried about it. Pathetic huh? All I seem to find myself doing is talking on the phone to billions of people, one of which was the guy who unexpectedly entered my life who I thought was oh so amazing.

Then why aren't I happy? Oh yeah... because he lead me on. I've never been lead on like this in my life. He would always send me texts that lit up my day. example: "I miss you." or "I wish you could apparate to Vegas so we could take an afternoon nap together." or "When you visit, I'll tell the people I work with that you are my girlfriend so you can come to the pool." or "I miss cooking with you." or "I wish you were here because there are so many places I want to take you and things I want to do." etc. All cute and make me happy. Those are all texts I would only get if the guy likes me, right? Wrong!

Without notice, suddenly he tells me I should only see him as a friend, he wont be taking any kind of time out of his life for me, and he said "logically it makes sense to like you because you have all of these things I am looking for, but for some reason I don't feel anything." He apologized for leading me on and cancelled my visit to Vegas. And then he wonders why I hate guys. I trust them way too easily thinking "he is different." I am only fooling myself.

Yes, I am hurt. But despite how stupid this situation is, he is still an amazing guy to me. He deserves to be with someone who he can't get enough of and he wants to do all he can for. I guess that is not me. I am not going to let this get to me like i have before.. thank goodness I didn't let my guard down completely. I never truely trusted that he would always be there. Besides, although he has all these things I am looking for, he is not my ex who I still can't get over for some reason. Oh wait... I know why. He is EVERYTHING I am looking for (minus a few minor things... haha).

Who knows what will happen? I still have 2 years left of school and my ex has decided to go on a mission (better late than never, right?). Who knows... maybe I can move to where he is when he gets home. Maybe not. I continually wish I knew my future.. the unknown is a scary place. I guess I will just keep trying to improve myself and Heavenly Father will provide the rest. :)

Thanks for listening to the dramatic life of Kendra Jenson. I hope you enjoyed it... as for me, I am playing some softball with my ward tonight! TOODLES!! :D

Scripture Study

Studying the Bible and Book of Mormon is not something new to me. I read them growing up, went through a phase where I wanted nothing to do with them, then I actually read the Book of Mormon and D&C on my own because I WANTED to. :) Now this is all great because I got into my own personal study habit, but after some time, it started to feel more repetitive and I wasn't getting as much out of reading as I would have liked to. The problem was that I didn't know how to go about doing that!

I have found my answer! :D I feel that Heavenly Father knew what I wanted and placed amazing people into my life in order to achieve this desire. I met my friends Julie, Cory, and Brandon who started inviting me to their group scripture study. I felt funny at first because I usually study by myself, and when I did read with people, I would simply read and then that was it. This study group was one of the best things that has happened to me in my life this past few months! Through my friends personal thoughts on scriptures and questions they come up with while reading, it has expanded my thought process. Now I find myself disecting each word and more questions are popping into my mind. There is a craving to re-read the scriptures more than I have felt in 2 years! I want to be able to not just have a testimony that the gospel is true, but I want to actually KNOW the stories from the prophets. If someone has a question, I want to be able to answer it to the best of my knowledge.

Sadly, I just moved to Idaho for the summer, so our study group wont be able to meet up until this fall. :( Happily, I have found my personal study improving greatly. It brings a lot of happiness into my life. I want to create a small study group up here as soon as I become friends with people in the singles branch. Until then, I will just keep on climbing and working on improving myself... no more plateuing in my spritual growth.

Love Languages

How do I know someone likes me? You think it would be easy, but every person communicates their feelings differently. It is not just one universal language.
Ever since I started dating, I have heard of "love languages" people have. Apparently they come from a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It explains how people communicate to others that they love them or how they need to be treated in order to feel that they are loved. The five languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. I had a good idea of what my main 2 love languages were, but I went and took the test online... http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp
My results: Quality Time and Physical Touch, just like I thought. That explains everything, doesn't it? It explains why long distance/army guys are so hard for me to date! There is no physical touch there, so the guy had better put all the effort he has into making quality time out of the situation. Unfortunately, most guys don't care as much about spending so much time talking on the phone. They rather be outside living their lives. When to me, if you really wanted to be with the person, you would put just as much effort into the relationship as if they were there in person. Therefor, I might just be willing to do a long distance again if the person has that quality time language to offer. Otherwise, goodbye! It wont work. Been there, done that, and I am sorry.

What I also find interesting is that these love languages can be applied in friendships and family relationships as well. Have you ever noticed how you get along better with some people better than others? Why is that? Or maybe some people just tend to drive you crazy? It is most likely because the way they communicate their feelings for you is opposite than how you communicate your feelings. That creates clashing. But that doesn't mean you can't work through it. After getting to know a person and figuring out how they feel loved and needed, you can apply their language in how you communicate with them even if it doesn't make any sense to you.

Sorry if I am not making any sense. I sometimes have that effect on people because it is crystal clear in my head, I promise. Well, I am done with today's ramble. Hope you all can figure out your own love language! It might help you understand yourself a little bit more. :)

Unexpected

“The best things in life are unexpected - because there were no expectations.”

You know how when dating, the people you like don't like you and people you don't like end up liking you? It happens a lot. And because of this, I have had to give the "I just want to be friends" speech more than I ever wanted to. I hate giving it. And I hate receiving it as well, which is why for the past almost 2 months, I have stopped really liking guys. I have this wall up and seem to have stopped looking for anything serious. Yes, I get attracted to guys, but I don't trust them that they will actually try to be a part of my life or want to be around me.

Which brings me to what unexpectedly has happened recently. For the first time in a long time, I was finally happy to not like any guys and to be truly single. I stopped trying to impress anyone and decided I would just try working on myself until Fall semester came around. People say that when you finally stop looking for something, you end up finding it. I feel like this might have happened to me.

I stopped looking for a guy to love and care for me, and then last week someone unexpectedly asked for my number. I didn't think anything of it because I've had plenty ask me for my number and then never call or lose interest within days, but this time was different. This guy was amazing. So far, he has all these qualities I have been looking for plus some things I love that I never thought I wanted. He is definitely not "perfect for me," but no one is. I enjoy just being in his company. And he seems to like having me in his life. Then what is the problem?

The problem is that I put up a wall so I wouldn't be able to be hurt again. Even though we have spent everyday together, I am scared he will suddenly not like me or want me in his life. There are times where I feel like I can't make him smile like I want to. I feel like he has a wall up as well and I would do anything to break it down. I just don't know where to start. I know this sounds cheesy since we have only know each other for a week, but I want him to know how much he means to me. Any suggestions? jk...

I'll figure it out on my own. I want him to like me for me and the ideas I come up with on my own. It just might take some time. Maybe even a whole summer apart where we just focus on our friendship. Both of us are leaving Logan and don't want a long distance relationship because of past relationships, so friends is what we will be. I wonder what will happen come this fall. Unexpected things always happen, and I can say, I am happy this man entered my life.

Non-committal cuddling

Non-committal cuddling. One question... why do I do it? I had a friend ask me this question on Saturday and all day Sunday it really got me thinking. Why do I do it? My initial response was "because it is comforting."

Some people are against it because it leads people on and someone ends up getting hurt. Which could be true, but I always tried to make a point of letting the person know it was non-committal before actually doing it. But does that make it any better? I still have found that 1 of several things ends up happening...

They get attached to me
I get attached to them
The cuddling gets boring and pointless or
The cuddling gets out of control.

And are any of these situations that good? I don't think so.

Then I have come to realize that the guys I tend to like a lot aren't a fan of cuddling with someone unless they really like them. What happens if they find out I cuddle with other guys even if I don't like these other guys? Would they suddenly not like me? Although to me, it is not a big deal, I don't want to miss out on someone because of something stupid I could have changed.

After taking a day to think about all of this, I have officially made a new goal. I am done non-committal cuddling. It may be hard because I am so used to doing it, but I honestly believe I can do it. Now, when I end up cuddling with someone, it will be because I really do like them and want to be with them. The question I have now is... how do I turn down cuddling with someone who thinks I am a non-committal cuddler without making them feel rejected? haha... I'll figure it out. :)

My logical yet non-logical mind.

My mind is a mess. It is a tangled web of confusing that not even I can figure it out. Why do i think the way I do? Half of the time I don't know why I did what I did in the past. There are so many times that I surprise myself and find a new discovery that I never knew about myself. I guess it is because I am still growing and I never stop and I am constantly changing... in a sense.

For example, I am sitting in my friend's kitchen and they are droning on about who knows what, right? I start looking around the room out of boredom and notice the grain in the wooden table. Then I start wondering "I wonder what type of wood this is made out of?" or "is this soft or hard wood? Can I dig my nail in it?" Why in the world is my woods class coming to mind? And again.. I am taking my normal bus ride to campus and we drive by multiple houses and I find myself wondering "What type of house would that be? Victorian? Contemporary? Ranch?" Stupid architecture class! One more example. A few weeks ago I was up at Beaver Resort learning how to Snowboard. My first time down the hill I didn't know how to stop and literally ran head on into this poor girl who couldn't get out of the way in time. Now why in the world on my drive home did I think to myself "I wonder with how fast I was going and my mass, how fast we traveled together the moment we collided with each other?" I am sorry, but this is NOT right! My mind is so strange.

Which then makes me think... wow... I live on campus at least 50 hours a week and work 20 hours and then apparently, when I am supposed to be having fun, school still runs my life!

Many readers right now are probably thinking I am nuts! or boring... and nerdy. I guess I am a little nerdy, but that is beside the point. I just want to know why my mind is the way it is. Why doesn't History or Biology make any sense to me? Why is it that I am an Engineering major yet I absolutely love dancing. To me, they don't even fit into the same category. I guess I need to stop looking for the logic and just face the truth...

... I think WAY too much... about everything...

Why do I think so much? Most girls do I have noticed. We really shouldn't because then we over think and read into everything and our judgment becomes impaired. Guys minds are so much more simple. They say things how they are and can only think of one things at a time instead of jumping from topic to topic like girls do. If everyone thought like a guy, life would be so much more simple. I guess that is why I enjoy hanging out with guys more than girls... and their communication habits tend to rub off on me (a little) so now I try my best to be blunt with my feelings instead of beating around the bush. See... one step closer to thinking like a guy, right? <--this is obviously over thinking.. haha

Well, that is all for today. I hope you had fun with my rambling and learning more about my logical yet non-logical mind. :)