"Singles" Wards

I always loved singles ward up at college and whenever someone told me how much they disliked them,I never understood why... until now. What is the difference? Is it because I served a mission? Or maybe the ward members? Or maybe the location of the ward. Either way, I am not a fan of them at all.

Singles Ward Observations:

Girls try to hard to impress the guys, there are too many "on my mission..." stories, reverence at in the sacrament room is very limited before the meeting begins, and the mention of dating and getting married is brought into every lesson and opportunity available.

Family Ward Observations:

The women don't care as much about themselves but care more about those around them, in the lessons everyone draws off of current real life situations we all relate to, besides the kids that like to play in the seats, each parent is attentively listening and there to learn, and the gospel principles are the only thing taught within all the lessons.

Okay, so maybe I am over-exaggerating, but honestly, I would much rather attend a family ward than my singles ward. I don't fit in there anymore. The reason I say this is because your ward is supposed to be a family, right? You take care for each other and watch over each other. Not in a singles ward. How many girls in my Relief Society even notice me? There is not very much relief for me there. I wanted to change that. I tried to get to know the girls. I threw a party just for them so I could sincerely learn about all of these amazing daughters of God. I wrote out invitations, asked around to see when would be good, etc. I picked a day that I know I least 7 girls said for sure they would be able to make it. I bought refreshments, decorated, etc. I was so excited to finally make some progress in the ward. The time comes... no one is here. It is Mormon standard time, right? I am sure they will come. 1.5 hours come and even those who texted they would be late do not show up. I guess there is a reason it is called a "singles" ward. Family does not exist there... at least not as far as I can see. The frustrating part of this all is how much it bothers me. I want friends in my ward, I want to feel important and needed and wanted at church. Since I have been home, there have been no visiting teachers or home teachers. Nothing. People only come to find a husband and move on with their lives.

For all you single people reading this, take some time to think. How many people do you remember from your past singles wards? How many of those people do you keep in touch with? How often do you put on a smiling face to say "Hello, how are you?" and really want to know how that person is doing? When I ask, "how are you?" I mean it.... or I try to. I love it when people are honest and tell me about their week and share with me what brought them joy or happiness.

To complete the circle, I will go back to the difference between my ward now compared to my college ward. My ward in Logan was amazing. We were all friends with each other. Half of us who went there lived outside the boundaries, but we refused to leave because we felt like family and belonged there. If I missed a single day of church, someone noticed and would give me a call to see if I was okay. I loved it. I miss it. I learned a great deal about reaching out and loving everyone around me. I pray that each ward can get over their difference and spread the love of God to those around them.

The Dating Game

Let me explain my least favorite game in the world. It is one I lose at because I try to break the rules. I want to play it my own way, but the society around me keeps telling me otherwise. This is THE DATING GAME.

Meat Week
The dating game begins with "meat week" both in church and at school where everyone dresses up each day as if they are going to the prom and is on the look out for the single people they can sit by and flirt with.

The Interview
Following the meeting and greeting, eventually an exchange of numbers is made. You no longer have to dress up as a public resume, but now you have to go in for an interview. What is your major? How many people are in your family? What are your dreams? Worst fears? etc. The list goes on and on and on.

Training Period
Most great jobs have a test you have to pass at the end of training. I guess this is the time you train the other person about your expectations and you over exaggarate just how "amazing" you are so you can get the position. My dad says that any guy dating me is at his best. If I don't like him while dating him, there is no way I will like him when I get married. Very true. The test is finally the big DTR. Determine the relationship. "are we a couple?" "are we just friends?"

Quarterly Review
Okay, so eventually, the training went well. They proved to perform AMAZING on their test. But after 3 months, you usually need another DTR. You have come to understand who each other is. You can see the growth that each other has had over the past 3 months. The efforts put in initially start to die down and you are left with reality. Am I really cut out for this job? Is this my dream job I want? or am I settling?

A raise
The raise might be a better position or more money. Either way, we all like raises, right? the Engagement comes, the knot gets tied, and you are eternally happy, right?


Well, I guess the point is, dating is predictable. I am tired of the interview. It is silly how we spend so much time trying to convince someone to like us based upon our accomplishments and talents when in all reality it is how well your personalities mesh together that matter. Shania Twain's song "that don't impress me much" is SO true. I could care less if you were in a band or made 100,000 a year after graduation or built your own house or were a computer programmer for Pixar or fly an airplane. This is all great, but my real question is; do I enjoy your company? Can we talk? Lets just hang out, be friends, and we will find out. When the time is right, it will be right. I don't want to care what I look like for a specific person. I don't want to talk to a guy and have him think I am interested in him. I want friends. If something happens, so be it. But I am not looking for a boyfriend. I am looking for friends that uplift me and I enjoy being around. The pressure of being in a relationship and getting married leaves when your perspective changes. I don't care if saying I just want to hang out and have fun is breaking the rules of the game, but if it is, so be it. If anyone is with me, hit me up. We will chill, have fun, and come what may and love it. PEACE!

6 Destructive Ds.

I often find myself disappointed with life. Why is that? There is no reasonable reason. To be frank, it is the adversary's way to sneak into the lives of those who are on the strait and narrow path. I just read today that the Six Destructive Ds are doubt, discouragement, distraction, lack of diligence, disobedience, and disbelief which all erode and destroy our faith. It is true... it is the frog in water experiment. We are slowly lead away as we get focused on everything wrong going on in our lives. I can see it happening in my life right now:

I get home expecting a job to fall in my lap and a man on my arm and schooling to flow into my life with ease. Boy was I setting myself up, wasn't I? We all saw that happening. Well, I began to doubt that my life would ever get organized. I became discouraged as I saw everything fall apart. I was denied from BYU, there was no chemistry with the guy who waited for me, and I sat at home day in and day out distracted by the idea of life. I did not want to face that everything fell apart. I did not want to accept the change that occurred in my life. This distraction lead to be the only living thought in my head. I tried to not think about it... I hung out with old friends I had not seen in a while, watched conference, went on dates, etc. It availed to nothing. I don't fit in my old life anymore. I felt out of place and tried to rush life. What happens when you become rushed? You forget the things that matter most. I have found it hard to read my scriptures every day. I have found myself sleeping in more. I have found myself sinking into old habits. My diligence is lacking and I know it. And that is where I am today as I write this blog. All it took was 3 weeks. I want to cry. I want to rewind. I want to return to being a missionary where you never had to worry about yourself. But the fact is, I am here now. I am back in the world.

I have heard time and time again, the world is like the ocean. If you are not moving constantly towards the shore each day, the tide will drag you in. I REFUSE to let the next D happen. I have been attending the temple each week, and the simple answer I get to the confusing mess I am in is to continually read the scriptures each day. It is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Having faith that Heavenly Father is taking care of your life is a choice. Challenging times require greater spiritual power. Consider carefully the Savior’s promise: “If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me” How do we gain this spiritual power? Prayer and scripture study. Why is it so hard? Because the adversary does not want us to be happy.

I found a great talk called "Home From a Mission." I guess what I am going through is quite normal? The hardest part of it all for me is going through it alone. Just like the talk said, I put on an act in front of those I care about. I do not want others to worry. I keep telling myself before I hit the call button, "Why do you need to go complain to someone now? You didn't as a missionary." Then I close my phone and get on my knees. That doesn't help me from feeling lost and confused with my life. Happily, I got a job, but is this where I am needed? I do not know. I don't feel guided or comforted by any decision I make. I don't feel needed or wanted here in Utah. All I want right now are some close friends who really want me in their lives. Is that too much to ask for? Maybe I will just disappear for now. No one would even notice. ugh... okay, so i am just typing the thoughts in my head right now, but this is how I feel. I want to start over. But I am impatient. I want a new life now. I am so stubborn. I want to feel wanted.

It all goes back to our savior Jesus Christ in the end. How much faith do I have in him? How often am I turning to him each day? Am I doing everything he asks of me before I think of myself? I know where I am struggling. And those personal daily decisions to follow our saviors example are within our control. There are 5 things needed on a daily basis for a 5star day: Daily Scripture study, daily prayer, service, a smile, and a sacred grove moment. I know I can make a change starting NOW. Wish me luck! (aka... pray for me)

Honey! I'm home!

Can you believe it? After 18 months of service to Heavenly Father, I have returned from a full time mission. I never thought this day would come. While I was in Sweden, my life here at home felt like a dream. It was as if I had always been a missionary my entire life and all those missionaries who went home were not really home. They were serving somewhere else. I thought of it like the movie "The Island." Maybe our life before the mission was only programmed into our heads and when we were "going home," our clones in the real world needed us. haha. joking. But I honestly felt like I could and would be a missionary forever. The people in Sweden became my family. I loved them there. I loved the language. I loved focusing on everyone except for myself. Missionary work is one of the most fulfilling callings God can give us.

There were a lot of ups and downs on my mission. They say that a mission is 50 years of emotions and experiences crammed into 2 years (in my case, 18 months). I agree with this. With the greatest downs come the greatest ups. And those amazing moments make the entire experience worth it. I will give you a summary of my mission:
MTC: spiritual bootcamp where I realized I knew nothing and my testimony was broken down and rebuilt on a true foundation of Christ
I arrived in Norrkoping, Sweden and had culture shock. I had taken everything at home for granted and felt VERY homesick.
We had my first baptism. His name is Samuel. He is full of interesting ideas... many of which I could barely understand with my limited Swedish, but he had the faith of a Child which is all one needs to enter the kingdom of God.
We had a creepy stalker guy that I had nightmares about and would see everywhere.
I transferred to Goteborg, Sweden into a ward comparable to Utah and become an institute missionary. After 3 weeks, Fadi was baptized.
I felt pressured by the ward to do everything that was right and would get really down on myself when I made mistakes.
After weeks of cleaning tobacco out of his apartment and going through a quit smoking program, Christer entered the waters of baptism and was baptized by his son. The moment in the water embraced in each other’s arms brought tears to my eyes. This moment reminded me of the joy of the atonement and the love of God that he has for each and every one of us.
I was sad to leave. I had many ideas I wanted to bring to the area and I did not feel that my work was finished here. God had other plans. I was transferred to Uppsala to be tried in patience that I had never experienced before in my life.
The focus on strengthening the members was brought into play with our new Mission President. We developed memorable relationships and brought many to the knowledge of our savior Jesus Christ. Many testimonies were strengthened.
We were suddenly doubling out of the area. Whitewashing Uppsala. After my 4 months there and all the progress made, I felt very confused. Why? I asked that question many times and learned that we need to trust that Heavenly Father is taking care of this work.
Ely was baptized as a member of the church. She clung to my side and said it felt like a wedding and I was giving her away to Christ. She was so beautiful!
I had such amazing companions that I felt like it was too good to be true. I was having too much fun and started to get distracted because of it. Lesson learned... being companions with a best friend is not smart.
The reason I was needed to be in Goteborg came: Maria. The amazing daughter of God said she didn't believe in God, was not Mormon, hated Sister missionaries, etc. I became a friend to her. Slowly, her opinion changed and she came back to activity and now wants to serve a mission. Her change made my mission feel like it was fulfilled. I couldn't be happier as I saw her return to to temple.
Christmas did not feel the same this year. No snow (the previous year it was up to our waists in some areas), no presents (they were late), institute was closed, etc. I found myself comparing it too much to my greenie transfer where I felt like family.
I felt like a tool in God's hands. Zaher got baptized along with Khalil, Jan/Ali, and Li. They were prepared and are some of the strongest converts I know. I am very thankful to be a part of that beautiful experience. :)
Emergency transfers happened to me 2 times... which was hard because I loved my companions at the time and the sudden move took quite the adjustment.
My last transfer in Gavle was the best I had ever worked. We worked out to P90X every morning(with permission) and we used every second of every day being 100% obedient... the most accomplished I have ever felt on my mission. Miracle after miracle happened as we found several families to teach the gospel of Jesus Christ to followed by Annicka coming back to church my last Sunday and promising to follow the example of Christ and renew her baptismal covenant each week at church.
My grandpa received pancreatic cancer while I was in Goteborg. I went through a hard time when I found out and even had to talk to my grandpa with how much pain he was in so he could leave in peace. One month before I finished my mission, I received a phone call from my mission president telling me that he had passed on. I was a tearful wreck. Throughout the process, many amazing priesthood blessings were given and I was comforted. I know my grandpa has a work to perform on the other side and that is why he went from fit as a fiddle to gone in 3 months.
I learned how to love the way that Christ did. The book "A Heart Like His" changed my life. I learned that a mission is based on this love. Without it, nothing can be accomplished. I wanted to cry because of the love I felt for those people I met each and every day. This love drove me until my very last day.
I was not accepted into BYU. All of my plans for after the mission disappeared within moments and I felt utterly lost and confused.
Doing splits with the sisters 2 times in my mission was wonderful. It is amazing the impact you can have on people when you know you will only be with them for but a short time. I was surprised with my own boldness, confidence, and knowledge that came.

Looking back and months after the fact, you see the influence and effect you had on other people. You see how much you yourself have grown. I know now without a doubt how much Heavenly Father loves me. He watched out for me and placed me exactly where I was needed when I was needed. I know that the atonement is real. In a situation where you cannot call your mom or your best friend or even go watch a movie to relax, I learned how to rely on Him who suffered for each and every one of us. I felt his love and his comfort and I learned how to rely on him with every decision I made. One of the most important lessons I learned was how to raise my future family in the gospel. I am truly grateful for that lesson. If we are not teaching our children, the world will... its influence is real.

I already miss the land of Sweden. I miss Swedish. I miss worrying about others and not myself. I feel very blessed for the knowledge I obtained there. It has changed my life.


Welcome to the new Kendra.

Mission Call!!!

This is the moment you all have been waiting for! Well, it is the moment I have been anxiously counting down to at least. I had tons of people guessing where I would go, but no one got it right. I was utterly shocked when I found out. This place didn't even cross my mind. And where might this amazing place be? I am going to the Stockholm Sweden Mission!!!!

Originally the letter said I was leaving to the MTC Oct 27th. I figured 2 months wasn't too bad. I would get to visit Kalli in Tennessee for 2 weeks after my week long road trip with Anneliesa to California and then maybe visit Logan for a week at the end of Sept and that gave me a good month to get ready at my own pace. I guess I was wrong because the Stake President called up my mom today to tell her that my date on my letter was a mistake. I then had to choose between leaving December 29th or September 29th. Most people think December because I would get to spend Christmas with my family and I wouldn't be so rushed to get ready, but honestly, I DON'T want to wait that long. I want to get out and serve! So I might miss a couple Christmases with my family. I had already come that conclusion and felt at peace with it. Besides, the idea of 2 Christmases in Sweden sounds amazing! So I chose Sept 29th. Yes, I am still visiting my sister in Tennessee... the tickets were non-refundable. So that gives me 2 weeks to get ready... can I do it? I think so. Pray for me! I have lots to do it, but I honestly believe I can. I am needed out there and don't want to put any delay on doing so.

Sweden will be amazing! I decided to do a little research so I know exactly what to expect when I leave the MTC with as much Swedish learned possible in 2 or so months. I found out they are the 2nd most heavy Coffee drinkers in the world. You always seem to find bread, cheese, potatoes, and pork at almost every meal. And it is normal to have sweets available at all times. I hope I don't gain weight.... :S On the plus side, they eat smaller portions and work out more than Americans (according to Wikipedia). Here are some fun random facts: you can't turn right at a red light, the sun rises at 3:30 during the summer and sets at 3:30 during the winter (brrrr), Recycling is taken so seriously they have camera's watching you to make sure it is done properly, on Easter they go trick-or-treating, Sweden is considered the leader in Gender equality, most people in Sweden wear hats with propellers on them (AWESOME!), people go sun crazy wearing bikinis and swim suits and such to get tan when it is only 10 degrees Celsius.. apparently if you don't get some sun you are considered a nerd or sick(crazy people), etc. Well, it looks like I have lots to look forward to. This will be an amazing 18 months!!! :D

Farewell Forever!

How do I summarize my past 3 summers in Idaho? Lonely, boring yet dramatic, self discovery, the best and the worst, claustrophobic, etc. And now that I leave forever tomorrow after I get off work, I am not going to miss this retched town one little bit. Good riddance, farewell, adios, goodbye, ciao, au revoir, sayonara!

I won't miss the rumors. I won't miss the farmboy tough guy attitude all the guys seem to have. I won't miss the stupid Idaho wind. I won't miss having nothing to do... ever.. unless you know someone with a boat. I won't miss the farm smell that lingers everywhere you go. I won't miss a single person here... because no one freakin realizes I exsist outside of singles activities. I won't miss how judgemental people are. I won't miss how expensive it is to visit my real friends in Utah. I won't miss going on work trips every other week. Yes, I made some good memories... and some friends along with those. But the thing is... I don't even talk to them anymore. My 2 friends I made my first summer didn't talk to me when I returned the next year. My friends I made my second summer stopped talking to me when I broke up with my ex which makes me feel like they were never really my friends to begin with. And now the only people I have become friends with this summer are ironically, the ones who moved here from Utah; yet I doubt I will even keep in touch with them. I never want to visit or even speak of this place again. I am done with it all and putting it behind me. What good are these happy memories if these people aren't even a part of your life anymore.

In fact, I am going on a mission soon and plan on saying farewell to a lot more than just a stupid small town in Idaho. These "so called friends" exsist everywhere. In fact, I admit to having been that "so called friend" before that stopped caring about being a part of someone's life. I don't know where I am going with this, but I am saying goodbye to everyone I met at college. I don't plan on you being around when I come home. If you are, great! We'll catch up. If not, good luck with life. Goodbye Corey, you were the one friend I had in my major and now you are getting married. Goodbye Brittnie, you were a great roommate, but I am just invisible everytime you get in another relationship. Goodbye Scott, you were the best boyfriend I have ever had and whoever you end up with will be the luckiest girl in the world. Goodbye all! People move on whether you want them to or not. My big group I had at the beginning of college has all moved on... 2 moved to provo (Nancy and Stacy), 1 to Virginia (Shadie), another joined the sorority (Ashley) and other friends I have made just stink at keeping in contact with me (*cough* Matt *cough*). So goodbye for the billionth time. I will not miss you.

Of coarse I will miss some people, but those are few. There is Anneliesa who is my best friend in the whole wide world! She always is there for me, calls me almost daily, and I have an unspoken bond with that we will have for eternity. There is Amy who gives the best advice and she always knows what to say to lift me up spiritually. There is Katrina who I have known since I was born, and although she is married, we will always be friends forever! And my family will always be there. Without these amazing people, I would be lost. I love them with all of my heart!

The Ugly Truth

The truth can be an ugly thing but so can gossip.... those evil words that people spread and others believe to be true. I have had 1 too many rumors about me lately up in this small town in Idaho. I hate it!  I had always heard that about small towns, but to actually be a part of it is not something I ever thought would happen to me. Too late... I have a reputation now that was forced upon me and I just want to get out of Idaho.

What is this reputation? Well, all these rumors about me are from last summer that I didn't know exsisted until a few weeks ago. One came from the army guy I dated for a month. I thought he was a great guy... I never did anything to make him dislike me I don't think. I thought we were still friends because I say friendly hellos and such at singles ward activities when I see him. We don't hang out or talk on the phone or anything, but I honestly thought he was a great guy. Well, he told my friend (who he didn't know was my friend) that I stalk him and don't stop texting him and calling him and he thinks I am obsesive and annoying. Does that even sound like me? ugh.. it explains why all the guys who are his friends don't even talk to me/ avoid me. Oh well... I could survive with this rumor.

Then a few days ago I was at the house of a guy I just met. He was pretty awesome... and the first guy I have liked in Idaho this summer when I find out his uncle's (who he is living with) sister was the best friend of the lady I have lived with the past 2 summers. Her and I never got along because I always felt like she was judging me, but I didn't think it was that bad. She had told this guy I liked along with who knows who else that I am a "skank" and she is pretty sure I slept with guys while I lived with her friend or whatever. Let me correct this... FALSE! Yes, I date around a lot... sure I even cuddle with guys easily, but I have NEVER slept with anyone! I am a virgin and proud of it baby! And this "skank" attitude she talks about was last summer when I went dating crazy for the first time in over a year and a half... I had a lot of pent up dating cravings... haha. It was also a phase that many people go through... I rarely date anymore and I don't want people to get the wrong idea.

Now that I have straightened out these ridiculous rumors, I would also like to address another ugly truth... Logan used me. I haven't talked to the guy in a month at least and he calls me up yesterday and admits he used me, says sorry, tells me he is no longer going on a mission because he doesn't feel it is right, and he is back together with his ex Amanda who he has been waiting for to return from California and meanwhile he used me because she wasn't there, but it is "okay" because she made out with a guy while she was gone too. He has hurt me more than any guy I have ever met! Just 2 months ago he was telling me how he still loved me and didn't want me to get over him and he would marry me if he could. RETARD! I don't trust him or any other stupid guy out there! I wish he hadn't called me... I wish I had never become attached to the guy... I wish a lot of things. But all I can do now is look to the future...

My bright wonderful future consists of me moving out of Idaho forever and never returning, going on a road trip with my best friend Anneliesa to California and visiting one of my other super good friends Candi, then the Tuesday after I get back from that week long trip, I get on an airplane to Tennessee to visit my sister Kalli for 2 weeks! Meanwhile, I will be preparing for a wonderful mission where I can become a tool in God's hand to help him spread his gospel that has given me more joy than I have ever known!  I can't wait! All this trouble right now is Satan throwing everything he can find at me to make me miserable, but I can get through it! I know I can! Well, I hope you enjoyed my dramatic life!!