Happy Birthday to ME!!

Tomorrow is my birthday! I should be excited, shouldn't I? I mean... I turn 21 for goodness sakes! I am taking the day off and my boss and coworkers simply say "if you wake up with a hangover, it is not my fault." or "I still expect to see you at work Monday even if you are partying all weekend and have a migrane." Simply put, no one believes me when I say I don't, haven't, and never will drink alcohol. Oh well... that doesn't mean I wont party!! My birthdays are always different every year. I plan on them being "just another day," but somehow, something fun and memorable always pops up last moment.

After graduation I don't even remember what I did for my birthday. I probably just spent it with Anneliesa and hung out like we usually did. And if I can remember right, she got me something from the mall I wanted since I paid for her to get her ears peirced when she turned 18.

2nd summer(2 years ago), I worked on my birthday. And while I was at work, I recieved a lovely sprained ankle... but on the bright side, I was up at Grassy Lake Dam in the middle of the forrest near Yellow Stone when it happened and had seen a black bear the day before this lovely event occured! And my coworkers made me a birthday pie. It was very memorable.

Last summer I had just gotten a boyfriend and he gave me some red roses, took me out to dinner, told me he loved me for the first time, and we ate his favorite cake, German chocolate, with his family. I was up on cloud 9 that day, but sadly, I am single again. Birthdays are always more enjoyable when you have a significant other to share it with.

I am pretty excited for my birthday this year, because one of my super good friends Megan is taking me to Lagoon! We are going to have tons of fun. Some might find Lagoon lame, but I grew up going there. I have even had season passes 2 years before. I love the Samari the most next to Wicked! I just love the adrenaline rush you get when you are flying through the air and who knows how many miles an hour! Maybe that is why I love motorcycles, jet skis, etc. I just love the thrill and the wind blowing through my hair!

This weekend will also be pretty exciting because my singles ward is having an all nighter at a boat dock! What couldn't be fun about that? I am only scared about keeping others awake with my horrible sleeping habits...haha... talk about embarrasing. So this birthday should be just as memorable as the previous ones. :)

So if I don't plan on drinking when I turn 21, what can I do that I couldn't do before? All I can think of is actually being able to go into a bar and order delicious bar food, go to 21+ clubs, and VEGAS!!! That is right... in August, Anneliesa and I are going to Vegas on our road trip to California. We don't have anything planned yet, but I am sure it will be loads of fun! But if you know of anything I can do and haven't thought of, let me know! Thanks for reading!

Epiphony about Drama

So I had an epiphony while driving the other day. A song inspired it... I don't know which one though. Anyway, I realized why there is so much drama with a lot of people. In the song it mentioned how you love someone so much, but when you don't feel loved by that person you fill in that void with other emotions which tend to be negative. And why would you want to fill it with those emotions? Well, because part of you WANTS to feel something from that person and since you can't get love, you settle for anything that comes to mind. So in all reality, if you find people that have emotionally hurt you, it is because you really care about what they think and that person means more to you than you even know. And this can be applied to any relationship... whether it is family, friends, or someone you like(ed). Which to me explains why I had such hard feelings towards my dad... because I haven't felt loved for 8 years, and now that is changing. :) And it also explains why I have trouble getting over some ex relationships... because even after breaking up, I want to feel something from them and this results in drama.

So if we don't want drama in our life, we need to come to terms with not feeling loved... which I have done. Over a week ago I completely stopped talking to my ex. Aren't you proud of me? haha.. some might think I will crack and wont be able to do it, but I feel so at peace with this choice for the first time. I don't want to date him anymore and I don't want to be a part of his family even though they are amazing people. And I am happy! :) Also, I saw my "unexpected" guy, who is in Vegas this summer, on Friday and guess what? I didn't want to be with him either! It is such a relief to have closure like this.

Life is great right now! I saw my bestest friend Anneliesa this last weekend and she sure filled my happy cup up, I have made my friendships with my best guyfriend Matt better, the guy I waited for on his mission (Scott) and I are still friends and I feel completely content with it, I am over guys, and I am going on a mission! Also, my birthday is this Thursday, I am going on a road trip with Anneliesa on Aug 20th, and I will be living with my sister Kalli starting Sept. 12th-ish. I have lots to look forward to! :)

Little Things

Many of us feel as if our life is dull, nothing ever happens, and all we do is the same boring routine of our life day after day after day. You are probably right, but there are little things that go unnoticed. I feel like I just work, read, and sleep, so I have decided to take this time to talk about all those unnoticed things in my life  besides me preparing for a mission.

1. My little sister is almost 16. She is now learning how to drive and at first I was really scared being in the car with her. She was slow to react and very hesitant about everything she was doing. I found myself thinking "she's not ready!" but then I think about the driver I was when I was her age. My first time on the road I thought it was so awesome and ended up accidentally driving on the curb real quick... *eek* I guess I have no room to talk, but I find that I am more protective about my younger sister than anyone else I know. I worry about her, and the idea of her growing up scares me. But every time I visit home, she is more and more grown up and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I can only imagine how much harder it will be for me to see my own kids grow up!
2. One of my best friends since I was born got married June 15th (which is also my parent's anniversary) to her the man she has dated for the past 2 years. I've never seen a more perfect couple! They are finally sealed for time and for all eternity in the Salt Lake City temple. I was her bridesmaid/Maid of Honor and it was an unforgettable experience. I was able to plan her batchelorette party, do her hair for both her wedding and her reception on July 10th, and all the little odds and ends my "2nd family" needed help with. 2 completely different days a month a part in celebration of the marriage of these 2 amazing people. I can't wait until I feel that LOVE that everyone describes that is enough to marry the person. I have come close, but not to that extent. 
3. I just finished my 10th book of the summer!  I have read The Host, Pride and Prejudice, First Love and Forever, 2nd Chances, Now and Forever, In Search of Heaven, A Quiet Promise, At Heaven's Door, Timeless Waltz, and The Gable Faces East. I have become hooked on reading!
4. Slowly I have made a new friend in Burley. Her name in Megan and I didn't realize how much I appreciated her friendship until yesterday. She always brings a smile to my face and I know I will miss her when I move in August.
5. Staying friends is so important to me. As Anneliesa (who calls or texts me literally every day) said "The way I see it is a true friend takes time out of the day to say Hi and see how your doing. It doesn't have to be everyday but that way it shows that they care about you and are interested in your life."  When people show how much I mean to them, it says a lot. One of my good friends told me on Monday that I was genuine and not "fake" when she met me and even though i was dating her brother at the time, she knew we would stay friends no matter what happened. She was right! Another friend told me I am one of the first she can actually turn to talk to and she knows I wont turn on her like other people have. Knowing that these people care about me and to say these kind words to me touched me and made me feel very much less alone. I have friends out there who care about me no matter where I am or what I am doing. Actions speak a thousand words, and these along with many others I will never forget.
6. I went back to my natural hair color a couple weeks ago. At first I missed my blonde highlights a ton! But it is actually growing on me! I am happy to be a brunette again! :)
7. I recently spoke to my dad. And if you read my "why I hate men" blog, you will know I don't have kind feelings towards him, but I saw him a week ago for the first time since Christmas and we talked about everything that has come in between us, and for the first time I forgave him for how much he hurt me. He had no idea and people make mistakes. We decided to start over and talk more often. I still have trouble trusting that he will follow through, but it is a start and I pray that things will get better between us.

Those little things that happen always go unnoticed. I need to appreciate what goes on around me more often. Like that person who stops so I can cross the street, or my roommate who gave me the best rent price you could ever find in Burley, or maybe the future that keeps me hopeful, or the music I listen to and movies I watch, along with a healthy body, and let's not forget my mom who always has such great advice and my sisters who always want me to come visit and stay with them. There is so much to be grateful for! I love my life and I would never want to change anything (except for maybe taking the past out of the present and leaving it where it belongs... in the past). 

Preparation

Life makes me laugh sometimes. Not because it is funny, but because you always find those moments where life stinks or is confusing or something wierd or unexpected happens, but you just laugh because laughing makes you feel good and that little act of laughing can go a long way.

That was kinda off topic, but I like laughing, what can I say? Preparing for my mission has been going great. I just got back from visiting my family in Salt Lake City where I was able to visit the Dentist and Doctor for a physical. I passed both with flying colors! (thank goodness... I wouldn't want to have Terberculosis or anything odd like that) The downside... shots. *dun dun dun* I used to think I didn't mind shots, but that is probably because the last time I really had something injected into me was 10 years ago. I changed my mind. i am fine donating blood, but having a tetnus shot, and Hepatitis A and B shots flowing through my arms is not the most pleasant feeling. My right arm was the worst... it felt like a dead limb just hanging there for an hour. Ok, so I could move it, but I refrained from doing so.
On the plus side, I finished my online papers as well, so now the process has been turned over to my Bishop and I will get the special Bishop interview followed by my Stake President interview. Within weeks after that, I should recieve my call in the mail. I can't wait!!! I wonder where I will go... of coarse I want to go foreign... maybe Japan or Australia or somewhere in Europe, but I know I will go where I am needed. Yesterday I read an Ensign by Elder Ronald A. Rasband called The Divine Call of a Missionary. It was from the Priesthood session of this past General Conference and it talked about the process of deciding where the missionaries go. What really stood out to me most was when he said

"As the process began, a picture of the missionary to be assigned would come up on one of the computer screens. As each picture appeared, to me it was as if the missionary were in the room with us. Elder Eyring would then greet the missionary with his kind and endearing voice: "Good morning, Elder Reier or Sister Yang. How are you today?"”

The article also talked about when recieving revelation to where I missionary is supposed to go, the exact same mission is revealed to everyone who helps decide.

"As we were nearing the completion of that assignment meeting, a picture of a certain missionary appeared on the screen. I had the strongest prompting, the strongest of the morning, that the missionary we had before us was to be assigned to Japan. I did not know that Elder Eyring was going to ask me [if I knew] this one, but amazingly he did. I rather tentatively and humbly said to him, “Japan?” Elder Eyring responded immediately, “Yes, let’s go there.” And up on the computer screen the missions of Japan appeared. I instantly knew that the missionary was to go to the Japan Sapporo Mission.

Elder Eyring did not ask me the exact name of the mission, but he did assign that missionary to the Japan Sapporo Mission."

When I read this, the spirit confirmed in that moment that I would be sent where I was needed. The rest of the article gave me a lot of comfort and I got even more excited than ever to serve a mission! I will probably get my call in August, so if you have any guesses as to where I am going, feel free to post them. I have decided that whoever is closest will get my first letter after leaving the MTC and arriving in my mission.

Something else that I thought was quite funny was when I would tell people I have decided to go on a mission. I would start off by getting them all excited by saying I have big news. Most of them all thought I was engaged... haha... if they really knew my life, they would know I am FAR from that. And guess who several of them thought I was engaged to? Logan. It makes sense since we still love each other. He thought it was funny as well. If we wanted to be engaged, we would be, but no, we are both going on missions. And I honestly don't know if I would even want to marry him right now.
The other funny reaction which I find annoying at the same time is guys. I tell them I am going on a mission and suddenly they are interested in me. This makes no sense whatsoever. Oh well, I have made my decision, and few flattering comments and some attention will not disuade me! HA! The remaining reactions would be that of falling off a chair (Logan's mom), happy crying for me, and being so suprised they thought I was joking.

Well, that is my life. Not very interesting, but apparently I have a dozen readers that I didn't know exsisted until I found out they knew I was going on a mission because of my blog. Sorry if my life is dull, but I am really happy that some people are intersted... it means more than you know. Now if only I could get more comments! ;) well, until next time, this is Kendra saying "Don't forget to brush your teeth and say your prayers!" ... haha...

My Adventures

I am a Land Surveyor. When I tell people my job they simply state "oh, cool." I don't think the quite grasp what I do at work. The closest thing I can relate it to is Geocaching in rough terrain. If you don't know what geochaching is, then to describe my job I will tell you about my amazing work trip up at Ririe Resevoir about 20 miles east of Idaho Falls.

This week was very labor intensive. I have so many new cuts, bruises, calluses (ew... i know) and sore muscles than I know what to do with.
When I arrive at work, we simply set up a "base." This is kind of a reference point for the "points" we record that mark the property boundary. The points we found were mainly brass caps or concrete monuments. Anyway... I am not going to bore you with those details. The part that made this week so hard was that the "points" we were going after were hard to get to. I was climbing up and down 300-400 foot high basalt cliffs. Hard hiking + 90 degree weather + 10 hr work days + an encounter with a rattlesnake (at least it gave me an adrenaline rush to get out) + carrying equipment around with us the entire time = my legs feeling like jello by the end of each day. Okay... so I still don't think I explained just how hard my job actually is, but you will just have to take my word for it.

The week wasn't all that bad though. I enhanced my farmers tan, road around on 4-wheelers, found myself getting along with my work partner better than ever before (he is actually a pretty respectful guy), and I stayed in the BEST hotel my job has ever sent us to! It had cloud beds that I got sucked into, a pool, hot tub, workout center, and a great location near the mall next to the theater and Texas Roadhouse! In addition, the man I still can't seem to get over visited me both Tues and Wed night! :D And if he can make it to visit his family this weekend, I am invited over for the 4th of July.

I was glad he came to visit, I was finally able to tell him how I really felt and we talked about everything. He said if it were up to him, he would marry me right now, but the time is not right because we are both going on missions now. We both still love each other and when he thought I was trying to get over him, he didn't like it. He doesn't want me to move on. And just as always, we ended up kissing again and just as always, it made my heart flutter and melt into oblivion. You would think I would get used to the way he kisses, but it feels like a first kiss over and over and I absolutely love it! Of coarse this still confuses me, but I don't have to worry about it now that I am starting to fill out mission papers. Plus, I cherrish every moment we can just sit and talk and spend time together. We saw Eclipse together (which I liked a lot) and we went hot tubbing and just sat and talked forever. Saying goodbye was difficult. How come this is so much harder for me than it is for him. Somehow I think he has found peace about our situation which I seem to lack. I am more at peace than I was before, but still have trouble seeing it through his eyes.

Enough of me rambling... I am going to go home and catch up on some much needed sleep after a long work week and staying up too late. Happy July 4th! I hope I can have some fun... I don't have any solid plans just yet.

Enlightenment

I feel like my life has changed over night and although it is very unexpected, I am very excited for the future. How has my life changed?

First I want to reflect on the many life changing events that have happened to me over the past 21 years.

1. I was born! July 29th, 1989 was a great day for my mom to have her 3rd daughter. This wonderful event brought me to live with my family on earth. And believe me, my family is a big part of my life.

2. When I was 8 years old I became baptised a member of the LDS church and recieved the Holy Ghost, which has been the best companion to stay with me ever since. Yes, there were moments where I ignored promptings and didn't do what I should have, but without it, I would be lost.

3. When I was 13 years old, my dad moved out of our house and we had to forclose on our half million dollar home and move 5 girls into a small 2 bedroom basement until my mom, who is the most amazing woman I know, was able to provide for us by working 2 jobs without recieving child support, and we lived off of the church store house and government money provided. This was a struggling time in our life, but it truly made us all appreciate what we had and grow closer together than we had ever been in a while. The best part about it is that my mom's testimony never wavered during this great trial; her example is truly amazing to me.

4. At 15 years old I recieved my patriarchal blessing. To this day, this is one of my happiest memories. I will never forget what I felt and what was said. I love re-reading my blessing and gaining new insight into my life.

5. Then the double Ds came: driving and dating at 16 years old. I have had my baby... *cough* ...i mean my black Toyota Corola VE year 2000 since a month after my 16th birthday. It has been 5 years and I am super attached to it.. haha. Dating changed me by introducing me to the opposite sex. I grew up with all girls and really had no idea what guys were like besides when I saw them at school and I knew I was attracted to them. haha... I sure learned a lot!

6. Once I graduated high school I moved out of the house and up to Logan, UT to go to Utah State University. You grow up SO much living on your own. I am a completely different person now than I was in high school... and I am VERY happy about that. I have finished 3 whole years with 2 years of school left. Eventually I will graduate and start yet another chapter of my life.

Well, now we are caught up, but soon I am going to have yet another life changing event. No, I am not getting married... nowhere close. For the past several months nothing has seemed to work out for me and I have spent many night alone wishing I would have some kind of peace that Heavenly Father was leading me in the right direction or some kind of enlightenment on how I can get something out of this boring summer. After much determnation and never giving up, I finally recieved the greatest enlightenment I have ever experienced in my life. During a deep prayer I finally realized what it felt like to "give myself over to the Lord" and I literally told him I would do ANYTHING he asked me to. The answer came instantly and I felt so much peace and strength I cried because I was so happy.

Over the past few months I have also had people ask me if I was going to go on a mission when I turn 21, but I would always say "I have prayed about it and it is not for me." Honestly, I never prayed about it. I don't know if I was scared or if I honestly just never even considered going on one, but I just always said no. I guess Heavenly Father thinks otherwise, because in that moment of peace I knew I needed to serve a mission. I've never felt an answer so strongly before.

My life changed over night. One second I was planning a 4th year at school, but that will have to be put on hold. Goodbye school, work, computer, TV, music, boys, etc. Some might find that to be a sacrifice not worth making, but to me, I don't care. I want to go more than ever now! I feel like everything that has happened in my life has been pointing to this. Everything from relationships not working out, learning a new way to study scriptures, me waiting for a missionary, becoming overjoyed every time one of my friends joined the church, and even my mom and sister serving a mission when they were my age. I can't wait! First I need to finish filling out my papers.. haha. :)

Moving On

Remember my ex who I said got a girlfriend in my 2nd blog? Well, I still am having trouble moving on. I like other guys, go on dates, and try not to think of him... what else can I do? Returning to his home town has brought back all of these memories we made together. I keep having to reread my journal to remind myself of why I broke up with him in the first place, but the problem with that is that he isn't the man he was when we dated. He is even more amazing than before and if it weren't for long distance, I know we would be together again. How do I know?

When I moved back to Idaho I was planning on getting some kind of closure to know that I didn't want to be with him anymore. I hadn't seen him for 4 months since the beginning of January, and I honestly thought I might be able to move on from him. I thought maybe I had imagined how well we read each other or how good of a kisser he was or why I liked him so much. I was wrong. When we hung out, everything I thought I had imagined was real... he was still the man I had loved for those 5 months we dated and realized I still loved. And he felt it too... we still had this amazing connection. Why him? Why do we get along so well? Why do I look for him in guys I date? Why can't I just date him? Oh yeah... I still have 2 years left of college and he wont be moving to Utah anytime soon.

So I've accepted the fact that I will always love him, but I've also accepted the fact that I NEED to move on because it is unhealthy to be hanging onto a small hope that something might work out eventually... i will only get crushed by that. How do I do move on then? I went to a wedding yesterday and some of the girls there were talking about their friend who was in the same situation as me. He couldn't get over a girl and he tried dating others to forget about her, but whenever he broke up with them, he went strait back to liking his ex. I don't want to be like that. The advice they gave him is to stop going on dates. Dating is for those who are looking for "the one" right? You shouldn't date then unless you are ready for that step. That is when I decided I am done looking to even go on dates. Of coarse I wont say no if someone asks, but I need to just learn to be happy by myself. I did it before I met my ex and I can do it again. I might not flirt as much or try to impress anyone, but right now that sounds like a great idea. I can relax and only worry about one person... me.

I love advice on moving on, so if you have any personal stories or great insight you would love to share, then I would love to hear it. Anything to help me finally move on would be great. :D