Enlightenment

I feel like my life has changed over night and although it is very unexpected, I am very excited for the future. How has my life changed?

First I want to reflect on the many life changing events that have happened to me over the past 21 years.

1. I was born! July 29th, 1989 was a great day for my mom to have her 3rd daughter. This wonderful event brought me to live with my family on earth. And believe me, my family is a big part of my life.

2. When I was 8 years old I became baptised a member of the LDS church and recieved the Holy Ghost, which has been the best companion to stay with me ever since. Yes, there were moments where I ignored promptings and didn't do what I should have, but without it, I would be lost.

3. When I was 13 years old, my dad moved out of our house and we had to forclose on our half million dollar home and move 5 girls into a small 2 bedroom basement until my mom, who is the most amazing woman I know, was able to provide for us by working 2 jobs without recieving child support, and we lived off of the church store house and government money provided. This was a struggling time in our life, but it truly made us all appreciate what we had and grow closer together than we had ever been in a while. The best part about it is that my mom's testimony never wavered during this great trial; her example is truly amazing to me.

4. At 15 years old I recieved my patriarchal blessing. To this day, this is one of my happiest memories. I will never forget what I felt and what was said. I love re-reading my blessing and gaining new insight into my life.

5. Then the double Ds came: driving and dating at 16 years old. I have had my baby... *cough* ...i mean my black Toyota Corola VE year 2000 since a month after my 16th birthday. It has been 5 years and I am super attached to it.. haha. Dating changed me by introducing me to the opposite sex. I grew up with all girls and really had no idea what guys were like besides when I saw them at school and I knew I was attracted to them. haha... I sure learned a lot!

6. Once I graduated high school I moved out of the house and up to Logan, UT to go to Utah State University. You grow up SO much living on your own. I am a completely different person now than I was in high school... and I am VERY happy about that. I have finished 3 whole years with 2 years of school left. Eventually I will graduate and start yet another chapter of my life.

Well, now we are caught up, but soon I am going to have yet another life changing event. No, I am not getting married... nowhere close. For the past several months nothing has seemed to work out for me and I have spent many night alone wishing I would have some kind of peace that Heavenly Father was leading me in the right direction or some kind of enlightenment on how I can get something out of this boring summer. After much determnation and never giving up, I finally recieved the greatest enlightenment I have ever experienced in my life. During a deep prayer I finally realized what it felt like to "give myself over to the Lord" and I literally told him I would do ANYTHING he asked me to. The answer came instantly and I felt so much peace and strength I cried because I was so happy.

Over the past few months I have also had people ask me if I was going to go on a mission when I turn 21, but I would always say "I have prayed about it and it is not for me." Honestly, I never prayed about it. I don't know if I was scared or if I honestly just never even considered going on one, but I just always said no. I guess Heavenly Father thinks otherwise, because in that moment of peace I knew I needed to serve a mission. I've never felt an answer so strongly before.

My life changed over night. One second I was planning a 4th year at school, but that will have to be put on hold. Goodbye school, work, computer, TV, music, boys, etc. Some might find that to be a sacrifice not worth making, but to me, I don't care. I want to go more than ever now! I feel like everything that has happened in my life has been pointing to this. Everything from relationships not working out, learning a new way to study scriptures, me waiting for a missionary, becoming overjoyed every time one of my friends joined the church, and even my mom and sister serving a mission when they were my age. I can't wait! First I need to finish filling out my papers.. haha. :)

Moving On

Remember my ex who I said got a girlfriend in my 2nd blog? Well, I still am having trouble moving on. I like other guys, go on dates, and try not to think of him... what else can I do? Returning to his home town has brought back all of these memories we made together. I keep having to reread my journal to remind myself of why I broke up with him in the first place, but the problem with that is that he isn't the man he was when we dated. He is even more amazing than before and if it weren't for long distance, I know we would be together again. How do I know?

When I moved back to Idaho I was planning on getting some kind of closure to know that I didn't want to be with him anymore. I hadn't seen him for 4 months since the beginning of January, and I honestly thought I might be able to move on from him. I thought maybe I had imagined how well we read each other or how good of a kisser he was or why I liked him so much. I was wrong. When we hung out, everything I thought I had imagined was real... he was still the man I had loved for those 5 months we dated and realized I still loved. And he felt it too... we still had this amazing connection. Why him? Why do we get along so well? Why do I look for him in guys I date? Why can't I just date him? Oh yeah... I still have 2 years left of college and he wont be moving to Utah anytime soon.

So I've accepted the fact that I will always love him, but I've also accepted the fact that I NEED to move on because it is unhealthy to be hanging onto a small hope that something might work out eventually... i will only get crushed by that. How do I do move on then? I went to a wedding yesterday and some of the girls there were talking about their friend who was in the same situation as me. He couldn't get over a girl and he tried dating others to forget about her, but whenever he broke up with them, he went strait back to liking his ex. I don't want to be like that. The advice they gave him is to stop going on dates. Dating is for those who are looking for "the one" right? You shouldn't date then unless you are ready for that step. That is when I decided I am done looking to even go on dates. Of coarse I wont say no if someone asks, but I need to just learn to be happy by myself. I did it before I met my ex and I can do it again. I might not flirt as much or try to impress anyone, but right now that sounds like a great idea. I can relax and only worry about one person... me.

I love advice on moving on, so if you have any personal stories or great insight you would love to share, then I would love to hear it. Anything to help me finally move on would be great. :D

Self Discovery

So I decided that attending a singles branch over the summer in my small town has been interesting. Most of the singles there are either older mid twenties or fresh out of high school and maybe a few in between. When I meet these new freshies, I always wonder... "was I really THAT annoying when I graduated?" Sadly, I probably was. Even though it has only been 3 years, I feel like it has been at least 6... I feel old.

Over these past few years, I have become more "me" through self discovery. Each experience I go through or person I meet have made a change in my life and helped me discover who I am or want to be. Sometimes I don't like what I find out and that helps me continually improve myself in whatever ways I can. By "falling" I have become stronger in the gospel. By getting my heart broken and breaking hearts I have found more and more of what I do and don't want in my future husband. By going to school, I have discovered new passions like building robots and programming them.

The new discovery of the day happened at work. Here I was surveying some farm land and we had to back out of a canal road... my partner was not the best at this process to say the least. Then he kept being slow to act all day and I just found myself annoyed a little. I thought my last partner was annoying, but for some reason he still made me laugh and we got along just fine. This year my partner and I are so different... I discovered that I like being in control. When I know I can do something... it is hard for me to sit back and just watch someone else mess up over and over. I wish I were 2 people in these moments so I wouldn't need a partner, but then I might drive myself crazy.. haha.

When I realized I like control, it made complete sense. I like control in life.. in where my life is going, who I date, where I live, what I eat. I don't like being told what to do or have someone do something opposite of what I want. I think it all started because growing up I was a pushover and was the one being bossed around and when I decided that wouldn't happen anymore... it went too far I guess. I never realized it. I don't like being a control freak... :( I want to change. I don't want to be that "controlling girlfriend" or "friend who is only there when it is convenient."

How do I fix it? Service. I don't want to be selfish and have people think i want to the world to revolve around me... because I don't. I want others to be happy. Service is not my best skill, but I want to do more of it. This is a work in progress, but that along with patience will help me a lot. I also need to be more appreciative of what I do have instead of always wanting more in life. Yup... so there is plenty to work on and that will never change. :)

Unexpectedly Wrong

So... if you hadn't guessed, this is a follow up on my "unexpected" post. Before I get to that, I am going to start somewhere else.... Idaho has been a complete disappointment. I don't know why I looked forward to coming back here. The most exciting thing that has happened to me was seeing my ex boyfriend for the first time in over 4 months. I have been so bored that I have read 3 books already this summer... which is NOT like me at all. I have felt so lonely that honestly, I have cried about it. Pathetic huh? All I seem to find myself doing is talking on the phone to billions of people, one of which was the guy who unexpectedly entered my life who I thought was oh so amazing.

Then why aren't I happy? Oh yeah... because he lead me on. I've never been lead on like this in my life. He would always send me texts that lit up my day. example: "I miss you." or "I wish you could apparate to Vegas so we could take an afternoon nap together." or "When you visit, I'll tell the people I work with that you are my girlfriend so you can come to the pool." or "I miss cooking with you." or "I wish you were here because there are so many places I want to take you and things I want to do." etc. All cute and make me happy. Those are all texts I would only get if the guy likes me, right? Wrong!

Without notice, suddenly he tells me I should only see him as a friend, he wont be taking any kind of time out of his life for me, and he said "logically it makes sense to like you because you have all of these things I am looking for, but for some reason I don't feel anything." He apologized for leading me on and cancelled my visit to Vegas. And then he wonders why I hate guys. I trust them way too easily thinking "he is different." I am only fooling myself.

Yes, I am hurt. But despite how stupid this situation is, he is still an amazing guy to me. He deserves to be with someone who he can't get enough of and he wants to do all he can for. I guess that is not me. I am not going to let this get to me like i have before.. thank goodness I didn't let my guard down completely. I never truely trusted that he would always be there. Besides, although he has all these things I am looking for, he is not my ex who I still can't get over for some reason. Oh wait... I know why. He is EVERYTHING I am looking for (minus a few minor things... haha).

Who knows what will happen? I still have 2 years left of school and my ex has decided to go on a mission (better late than never, right?). Who knows... maybe I can move to where he is when he gets home. Maybe not. I continually wish I knew my future.. the unknown is a scary place. I guess I will just keep trying to improve myself and Heavenly Father will provide the rest. :)

Thanks for listening to the dramatic life of Kendra Jenson. I hope you enjoyed it... as for me, I am playing some softball with my ward tonight! TOODLES!! :D

Scripture Study

Studying the Bible and Book of Mormon is not something new to me. I read them growing up, went through a phase where I wanted nothing to do with them, then I actually read the Book of Mormon and D&C on my own because I WANTED to. :) Now this is all great because I got into my own personal study habit, but after some time, it started to feel more repetitive and I wasn't getting as much out of reading as I would have liked to. The problem was that I didn't know how to go about doing that!

I have found my answer! :D I feel that Heavenly Father knew what I wanted and placed amazing people into my life in order to achieve this desire. I met my friends Julie, Cory, and Brandon who started inviting me to their group scripture study. I felt funny at first because I usually study by myself, and when I did read with people, I would simply read and then that was it. This study group was one of the best things that has happened to me in my life this past few months! Through my friends personal thoughts on scriptures and questions they come up with while reading, it has expanded my thought process. Now I find myself disecting each word and more questions are popping into my mind. There is a craving to re-read the scriptures more than I have felt in 2 years! I want to be able to not just have a testimony that the gospel is true, but I want to actually KNOW the stories from the prophets. If someone has a question, I want to be able to answer it to the best of my knowledge.

Sadly, I just moved to Idaho for the summer, so our study group wont be able to meet up until this fall. :( Happily, I have found my personal study improving greatly. It brings a lot of happiness into my life. I want to create a small study group up here as soon as I become friends with people in the singles branch. Until then, I will just keep on climbing and working on improving myself... no more plateuing in my spritual growth.

Love Languages

How do I know someone likes me? You think it would be easy, but every person communicates their feelings differently. It is not just one universal language.
Ever since I started dating, I have heard of "love languages" people have. Apparently they come from a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It explains how people communicate to others that they love them or how they need to be treated in order to feel that they are loved. The five languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. I had a good idea of what my main 2 love languages were, but I went and took the test online... http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp
My results: Quality Time and Physical Touch, just like I thought. That explains everything, doesn't it? It explains why long distance/army guys are so hard for me to date! There is no physical touch there, so the guy had better put all the effort he has into making quality time out of the situation. Unfortunately, most guys don't care as much about spending so much time talking on the phone. They rather be outside living their lives. When to me, if you really wanted to be with the person, you would put just as much effort into the relationship as if they were there in person. Therefor, I might just be willing to do a long distance again if the person has that quality time language to offer. Otherwise, goodbye! It wont work. Been there, done that, and I am sorry.

What I also find interesting is that these love languages can be applied in friendships and family relationships as well. Have you ever noticed how you get along better with some people better than others? Why is that? Or maybe some people just tend to drive you crazy? It is most likely because the way they communicate their feelings for you is opposite than how you communicate your feelings. That creates clashing. But that doesn't mean you can't work through it. After getting to know a person and figuring out how they feel loved and needed, you can apply their language in how you communicate with them even if it doesn't make any sense to you.

Sorry if I am not making any sense. I sometimes have that effect on people because it is crystal clear in my head, I promise. Well, I am done with today's ramble. Hope you all can figure out your own love language! It might help you understand yourself a little bit more. :)

Unexpected

“The best things in life are unexpected - because there were no expectations.”

You know how when dating, the people you like don't like you and people you don't like end up liking you? It happens a lot. And because of this, I have had to give the "I just want to be friends" speech more than I ever wanted to. I hate giving it. And I hate receiving it as well, which is why for the past almost 2 months, I have stopped really liking guys. I have this wall up and seem to have stopped looking for anything serious. Yes, I get attracted to guys, but I don't trust them that they will actually try to be a part of my life or want to be around me.

Which brings me to what unexpectedly has happened recently. For the first time in a long time, I was finally happy to not like any guys and to be truly single. I stopped trying to impress anyone and decided I would just try working on myself until Fall semester came around. People say that when you finally stop looking for something, you end up finding it. I feel like this might have happened to me.

I stopped looking for a guy to love and care for me, and then last week someone unexpectedly asked for my number. I didn't think anything of it because I've had plenty ask me for my number and then never call or lose interest within days, but this time was different. This guy was amazing. So far, he has all these qualities I have been looking for plus some things I love that I never thought I wanted. He is definitely not "perfect for me," but no one is. I enjoy just being in his company. And he seems to like having me in his life. Then what is the problem?

The problem is that I put up a wall so I wouldn't be able to be hurt again. Even though we have spent everyday together, I am scared he will suddenly not like me or want me in his life. There are times where I feel like I can't make him smile like I want to. I feel like he has a wall up as well and I would do anything to break it down. I just don't know where to start. I know this sounds cheesy since we have only know each other for a week, but I want him to know how much he means to me. Any suggestions? jk...

I'll figure it out on my own. I want him to like me for me and the ideas I come up with on my own. It just might take some time. Maybe even a whole summer apart where we just focus on our friendship. Both of us are leaving Logan and don't want a long distance relationship because of past relationships, so friends is what we will be. I wonder what will happen come this fall. Unexpected things always happen, and I can say, I am happy this man entered my life.