More Dating Frustration

I have wondered why I am not married. I think I am an amazing woman. I am smart, beautiful, talented, optimistic, friendly, sociable, dedicated, spiritual, a hard worker, persistent, family oriented, loyal, understanding, etc. What is keeping me from that great blessing so many of my friends have taken part of? Some say it is because I served a mission, but I have been home for 20 months now and am still single. Some say it is because it is not God's timing. Yeah, that could make sense, except why would he purposely postpone such a great experience? They say any 2 faithful people can make a marriage work, so I don't fully think that God's timing has to do with it. My mom thinks I am too picky. I wish I could say no to that, but after having so much dating experience, I do feel like I know a little more of what I need and what I want in a relationship. And I don't feel picky because there are several people each year that I find myself interested in. Another friend would say I just keep falling for guys who are not on the same level as me, which is also true. I need someone who knows what they want in life and is ready for a serious relationship... not one about marriage, but about commitment and really focusing on getting to know each other. Marriage talk can come once we get to the point where we can't imagine life without the other person in it. Yet, all the guys I have been dating since I got home from my mission move too fast then back out suddenly (This happened 3 times already). I am exhausted of all of these excuses. I am exhausted of wondering why? Can I be done with dating? I don't think my heart will let that happen.

So here I am after another conversation with a guy about how he is sorry he moved too quickly, how he is scared of hurting me, how he doesn't feel like he could provide for a future with me, and he has to figure out his life first. This is a duplicate conversation of one I had with my ex back in August. It also reminded me of a year ago when Cory and I decided to go back to being friends after dating for 4 days until we got school situated and then we got together a month later. I feel like I am repeating past relationships. The only difference is that I already lived through that and I don't have the same patience and willpower because I don't want to get hurt again. Is that wrong of me? I saw this quote on Pinterest that I liked.

"Smart girls are over thinkers, the insecure ones, the different ones. They know what the real world is like. They analyze every little thing in life. Why? To avoid getting hurt. To find happiness. They stay up at night trying to think about every possible situation to get through all the problems. They think too much. They trust fewer people. Their insecurity proves their respect towards themselves. Of course they try to live away from drama filled life. Smart girls know their worth. Now those are the ones worth keeping by your side."

So here I am at 1AM on a Thursday night being smart... thinking about how I can stop repeating my dating mistakes.

My heart is vulnerable from all sorts of hard things I have been going through lately. I don't like feeling vulnerable or the feeling that comes when you wonder what someone is doing or why you haven't heard from them. It makes me feel like I am "needy." I always considered that term negative and have done all I can to avoid being called such. But I decided to do a little research on the actual meaning of it. Dr Craig Malkin explains the reason for the behavior very well in an article he wrote called "How to Overcome Neediness." It is not because we want to feel needed, but because of a fear of being abandoned. This fear is rooted with people who were abandoned as children and neglected usually from divorce or their parent's being to caught up in their own lives. These fears, I admit, are real in my life. My parent's divorced when I was 13, which I am told is one of the toughest ages for one, and after that, my dad disappeared, I stopped trusting him, my mom became to busy working to support us that she didn't have time to attend my activities or have much "one on one" time with me. At the time, I never realized the emotional affects it would have on me. Now, I have a huge fear of "being alone" which includes divorce or losing friends. Obviously, the nagging fear that someone isn't calling because they don't like me anymore is a result of this childhood experience as well that has become, unfortunately, part of my personality. To understand more, read the article I mentioned.

I don't always feel needy though... not in every relationship. As long as my love language of quality time is being met, my needs are filled and this give me security. I don't need a "boyfriend" title. The guy I dated back in April is proof of that. We were never exclusive, never planned a future together, but he was always there and we spent almost every day together while I went on dates with other guys at the same time. He showed me that healthy drama free relationships were possible. I felt more fulfilled by his friendship than most boyfriends I have ever had. Why? because we spent time together and became such close friends that even though miles still separate us, we still turn to each other as friends. So many guys over-complicate things. They interpret my desire to spend time with them often as something more serious than it needs to be. I don't know why. After all of this reflecting, I realize that what I do know is that I want what I had in April back. A great friend that I could talk to about anything and everything and they had this magical way of making sense of the world and validating my feelings and making me feel appreciated and valued. I felt like I was home. I will never forget that feeling... and that is what I am looking for.

How Real are Fears?

Dictionary.com say that fear is "a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid." I have met a lot of new people over the last few months since I finally dived into a real social life, and I realized one main factor controlling people and their behaviors:fear. I wrote in my last blog that I had learned that my past doesn't dictate my future, which is true, but somehow I keep referring to it when I come to similar situations where I feel like I may be reliving the same mistake thus bringing the buried pain to the surface once more. This is because the emotion of fear is aroused by impending danger or pain, even if imagined.

I am going to use a poll taken in my singles ward about dating as an example. Our Sunday school teacher had sent us a survey to find out people's points of views on dating. I am not going to focus on the dating aspect, although I find it ironic that secretly we all feel the same and assume everyone sees it differently, but I will focus on why people don't have the desire to date. The main reasons were that they were getting over someone or they had fears of past relationships. After speaking with a few people in my ward and sharing my own thoughts, I have come to realize I am not alone in this battle of fears.

One of my friends had a bad experience with long distance. He felt that it was a burden and the commitment to always call the same time every day and repeat the same conversation. And to add my own thoughts, long distance is hard because you feel like you have to make up for the time you couldn't have with the person in other ways. Stress is involved as you feel like you are not meeting the other person's expectations or maybe someone feels neglected or that they are missing out. Anyway, this person no longer has faith in long distance. He lets that fear rule the faith that could exist in giving that scenario a second chance.
Another friend had a bad experience feeling like they were sloppy seconds... meaning that the girl liked their friend first and then came to him when that did not work. They gave it a shot, but it did not work. I have been there as well. I have felt that I was not good enough for that person because they didn't like me to begin with... and I was just "convenient." We all want to be adored to begin with and have people chase after us and want us in their life. Now my friend has let this fear control their dating experiences because of the heart ache of trying it out the first time.

Then of course, I have trust issues. I have fears of putting myself out there again because every time I do, I end up getting hurt and the person leaves me. My faith in dating is dwindling because it all leads to disappointment. I have a fear of divorce because many of my family members have gone through divorce. I have a fear of being lonely in marriage because I usually only make good friends with guys and not girls which is not okay after you get married. I have a fear of not being good enough because in my last relationship I always felt like I had to be setting goals to be better and be someone I was not. These fears have come to control my life and made me more picky than ever before.

How so? Based upon past failed experiences, I no longer am interested in guys very easily. For example, (I am going to over exaggerate for a second)if they only talk about the gospel or their mission on the first date, they are out. If they sound like a dreamer, they are out... I need a hopeful realist. If they can't open up to me, they are out. If they joke about the commandments and taking them seriously, they are out. If they complain about everything, they are out. If they don't understand the atonement, they are out. If I have to lead the conversation, they are out. If they have several years left of school, not interested.. since I graduate this December. If they are too touchy feely at first, I am very hesitant. If they talk politics hard core or watch a lot of sports, they are out. If they seem to agree with me on everything, they are out... I need a guy who knows what he wants and voices it. If they want to stay living in Utah, they are out. If they haven't had much dating experience, they are sadly, out... I am not going to train someone else how to have a girlfriend. If they are about to move, I am hesitant. If they flirt with everything that breathes, grow up. If they spend money on things I feel are unwise, I am hesitant. I could keep going, but all of these are based upon trying to date guys that had these traits and things going wrong. I fear of getting myself into the same situation and repeating the same mistakes.

I spoke with my best friend's husband about how he came to decide to marry her. He was in his late twenties and had been through several failed relationships. How did he look past his fears? First of all, he stopped making dating like a checklist. He said that in the end, they just had chemistry... simple as that. They had grown to love an imperfect person perfectly. Secondly, they dated for more than 2 months. In fact, they dated for two years! Why "so long?" Because it takes time to get over fears.

A close friend of mine explained that just like when you sin and you use the atonement to become clean again. You aren't suddenly "better" after baptism or taking the sacrament or what not. It is a gradual process that comes as a person makes small changes and decisions in their lives. They experiment upon the commandments and see the blessings that come as they follow these new "rules" and they begin to have faith that the change is good for them. It is the same with overcoming fear. We can't just remove the fear overnight. It is not possible. It takes time and it takes experimenting in small ways that in time, you see the blessings and your faith begins to overpower that fear.

So next time we see someone afraid to take a leap of faith, try to understand. Try to be there for them as they experiment and be patient. We also need to be patient with ourselves. Some fears are ingrained deep within us and will take longer than others. I hope that I can find a guy who will be patient with my fears as well. And if you feel like you are so focused on your fears that you have lost faith in taking a step forward and putting yourself out there again, try to think at least one of them that you may experiment upon. Use prayer and Heavenly Father's help to overcome it. Tell him of your experiment. I did in March and he answered my prayer. One of my fears is gone and replaced by faith, but I still have plenty more to remove. We can't let fears rule our decisions in life... we would be holding ourselves back from a potential amazing future/opportunity if we did so. I challenge you to make a leap of faith and trust in Heavenly Father. Thanks for listening!

My KC adventure story.

"It is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all."

Over these past 5 months, I have learned a lot about what is really important and in relationships. Yes, we get excited when we find someone we can talk to for hours on end,they have all these amazing qualities you are looking for, and you find common future goals as well. Cory was an amazing listener, spiritual, gave honest advice, complimentative, observant, thoughtful with his gifts, confident, a hard worker, charismatic, and best of all... he could make me laugh. We also both want to travel the world, could speak Swedish, wanted to raise a family with the same morals, have similar communication habits, and so many other similarities. But isn't that how all relationships begin? People (including me) get over excited about the great qualities and the future that could be that we look past important details.

During our complicated friendship, we spent time singing at retirement homes on Sundays, going to FHE and ward prayer together, telling stories and sharing dreams and goals. He helped me realize that my past didn't dictate my future and I have the potential to become an amazing tool in God's hands and mother for my future family. My confidence grew as I saw that woman staring back at me in the mirror; life around me on our journey blossomed. The more time I spent with Cory, the more I realized how much I wanted him in my life. I tried to date around and just when I almost gave up waiting, he decided to become exclusive with me! How could I, an ordinary girl from Utah, be dating an extraordinary guy like him?

I remember how startled I was when we start talking about marriage quickly into our relationship. I had cold feet and instantly wondered if I was really ready for that kind of commitment. After praying and doing some personal study, I felt in my heart that all I needed was faith in us. That answer carried me over the following month as I learned that a relationship is not about what I want; it is about what the other person needs. The song "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz resonated my thoughts. As our focus changed to enjoying dating each other instead of marriage, I stopped trying to be perfect and somehow our relationship became just that... a relationship. I was happy and my appreciation for Cory in my life was insurmountable.

Over Christmas break we flew to Japan where I was able to meet his family. This trip is unforgettable! We spent more time together than ever before doing all sorts of fun touristy and Christmas things together. Christmas came and Cory gave me the most thoughtful gift ever. He found a book that is out of print that I have been wanting for a few years, "The Gable Faces East" by Anita Stansfeild. Despite this amazing week, old fears came back as marriage talk returned.

I have concluded that in the end, he was just not ready. We had reached a point in our journey where we either had to make that step forward and get engaged or break up. It was a hard choice because I have faith that I could have waited longer until he was ready to take that step. I also feel like you don't need to know 100%... just have faith. He was the first guy I have ever honestly wanted to marry, but it isn't about me. What do I do now? Simple answer: trust in Heavenly Father. He loves his children and although things don't always make sense, he is always watching out for them and will continue to build them up for your future. Elder Jospeh B. Wirthlin explains going through adversity and trusting in God in this great Mormon message: "Come What May and Love It."

A good friend of mine said to me "Heavenly Father would never leave you sad. He will always find someone better for you that makes you happier than the person before you did." Lets be honest; I would not want to marry someone if they would doubt afterwards if they made the right choice or if they were always worried about making me happy. So now I can say that I am grateful that Cory could see what I couldn't and have the courage to love me enough to break up with me so I can find that someone out there who loves me without a doubt. Yes, I am sad... breakups are not easy, but I have a choice to be happy, hopeful, and optimistic. I mean, come on, look at all those handsome RMs walking around Provo! haha. But seriously, I want to be able to move on so that I can look back with happiness and even have a friendship with Cory as well. That is my goal. :) Wish me luck!

General Conference

How does someone get answers to questions? Well, they ask them of course! General Conference is perfect for receiving those answers. I am grateful to my mom's example every 6 months as she would have us sit in front of the TV each conference session to show us just how important listening to the prophet's voice really is. She new which medicine would keep our spiritual immune system strong and healthy. Of course, when I was young, I would end up doodling pictures on my notebook instead of taking notes, but her example is a living testimony of the conviction to this gospel that my mom has.

I had a few questions this time: Is the pathway I am currently walking in life one I should continue on? How can I better support those I love with their schooling and callings? What can I do to help a few specific people around me who are struggling? How can I become a virtuous woman and valiant daughter of God?

Each speaker gave words of wisdom. There were many talks that touched my heart. I will just go through my favorites from each session. :)

Ann M Dibb
This semester I have a lot more free time that I would like. There is so much I could do with this time. I feel like her message reflected what I have been and still am working on since I came back to college. It was exactly what I needed. I focused mainly on the topic of "potential." Uchtdorf talked about a regret of many before passing away: not becoming who they could have and living up to their potential. Heavenly Father gives us time and Sister Dibb explained that we need to spend as much time with our spiritual growth as we do with school, work, movies, and music. How often do we spend our free time on Facebook or Netflix? There are so many better things we could be doing! As I said, I have been working on this and can honestly feel the world of a difference in myself and my perception of the reality of life. Recently, I have began doing Family History or going to the temple every Tuesday. I also began a more rigid workout schedule with P90X. When I am traveling to school on the bus, I listen to uplifting music or a podcast from one of the many CES firesides. And if I still have extra time, I try to think of small ways I can serve (this is a work in progress, but I will get to that later). Integrity is of utmost importance because we do what is right no matter who is watching. This characteristic of integrity along with conviction and confidence and giving our time to God really depict how I can and am become a virtuous woman.

Dieter F Uchtdorf
When Uchtdorf talked about the regret of not appreciating what we have and always wanting more, I felt impressed that what I have been doing with my life is exactly where I need to be. I have seen in my life and in others that we tend to live in the past where we were happy or in the future in dreams, but we forget today. I really like this quote:

"Fist I was dying to finish high school and start college. And then I was dying to finish college and start working. And then I was dying to marry and have children. And then I was dying for my children to grow old enough so I could get back to my career. And then I was dying to retire. And now I am dying... and suddenly realize that I forgot to live."

It follows along those same lines. Yes, I want to get married. I will admit to that. But he is right.... I need and want to focus on getting to know my boyfriend first before I seriously consider that. At a regional conference a month ago, Elder Nelson said that we can make right decisions at the the wrong time if we are not careful. If we dream too much, decisions will be made with too much haste and we will miss what is in front of us and possible make decisions at the wrong time. When I heard his talk, I knew that what I am doing and where I am going is what I need to keep doing. I have been learning and growing so much and will continue to do so in order to reach my true potential. (see, they all tie together)

Jefferey R Holland
I was in the conference center for his talk and I absolutely loved it! He is so powerful and I felt on fire as he spoke to my heart and soul. Not only did he use "smargosbord" (which is Swedish... tee hee) but he spoke about what it truly means to be a disciple of Jesus Christ and a Returned Missionary. I love how real the 12 disciples of Christ became as he elaborated on their points of view and how we relate to them. When Christ asked Peter three times "Do you love me?" I felt choked up. In the Gospel Principles book, under "obedience," it listed three reasons why we obey. 1. We fear the consequences. 2. We want the blessings that come from obedience. 3. We LOVE Him. Obeying out of love is true conversion because we are obeying for the right reason. I read this book on my mission called "A Love Like His." It really explains how we can let God's love into our lives and help others feel it as well. In other words, it explains that if we love God, then we will feed His sheep so they can feel his love as well which fulfills the greatest of all commandments:

30 And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment.
31 And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these. (Mark 12:30-31)

This book also talks about taking time to slow down. When we are always in a rush, that is when it is hardest to make time to serve those around us.

Linda K. Burton
Wow, these women of the church are amazing. She spoke about service which was another focus of mine. She simplified service in a way that really helped me--> "Observe and then serve." Service doesn't have to be planned out as a big Relief Society project. It is doing as Christ and many prophets and other examples have done in the past; each act of service was very individual and unique based on the person they were serving. I tried this out today. I was sitting on the bus going to school, and there was this girl wearing a red shirt sitting across from me that I felt prompted to talk to. Sad to say, I did not. Later, after institute, I was walking through a hallway I don't normally take and saw the same girl sitting on a bench doing homework. This time, I stopped to talk for 15 minutes. She is amazing and has been thinking about serving a mission herself. I don't know what was accomplished during that conversation, but I felt uplifted. Observe and then serve. Such simple and profound advice from a daughter of God.

Henry B. Eyring
I enjoyed his story about how when he was trying to decide what to do at college, he asked his wife what she thought and completely trusted that her impression came from God because he felt that his own mind had a "pavilion" blocking his divine aid. Her response to this was that he needed to also receive this answer himself. The ability to receive those answers is very important. This talk made me think of my current life... which is school and dating. Yes, I need to find someone who I completely trust their answers in prayer (which I have and he is amazing!), but I need to receive confirmation in my own life that it be right. Not because I don't trust his answer, but because having that relationship with my Heavenly Father is the most important to me. He is the one that knows me best and what I can handle. I can do anything with him in my life if it is his will. He makes my weaknesses into strengths. Happily, I did pray about dating my boyfriend and I feel that the pathway I am on right now is the right one and I just need to continue to learn and grow both at school and spiritually and he will guide me and take care of me. I also felt that, just as Eyring's wife supported him with his schooling and decisions, I too can learn to support and encourage my boyfriend in his schooling.

I enjoyed many of the other talks. I learned a lot about missionary work and families. Each talk impacted my life or reconfirmed already strong beliefs. As my institute teacher says, "Now go home and apply what you have learned. Otherwise, your time listening to me teach today was pointless." We are constantly changing daily. Progress means change. If you are not progressing, you are digressing. Therefor, if you haven't changed from these talks, I encourage you to go back to search, ponder, and pray. This modern day revelation is what we need today to become a modern army of Helaman. I can promise that as you apply these gospel principles in your daily lives, not only will you feel joy in all you do, but you will begin to see the world in a clearer and more Christ-like view. I love it!

"I will let the love of God touch the depths of my heart and mold me into the person I should be. I will make love the center of my being and all I do."

Steps in Relationships. (to me)

My friend Amy tells me that "communication fails." I always thought this was an interesting theory. She explained that we each go through different experiences that shape the meaning behind words and our point of view on life and people around us. Since we all go through our own experiences, no matter how much we try to describe what we mean, the listener will interpret what the speaker says based upon their own personal experiences. Thus, the real meaning is lost and communication fails. That is why I say pay attention to more what I do then what I say because actions show character.

Despite the communication failure theory, I still think talking and honest open communication is very important. We will never understand where someone is coming from unless they explain it to us. The only way we will every truly understand is with the guidance of the spirit. Christ has experienced what we all have gone through and therefor can communicate to us through the spirit what we need to know and understand about someone. I have felt that on multiple occasions.

For those who want to know me a little better, I have decided to attempt at describing what different action mean to me. In the process, I think I will understand myself just a little bit better.

1. Short Eye Contact aka Eye flirting. If this happens several times within an our, go talk to them!
2. Long Eye Contact If you hold eye contact with someone for more that a 5 seconds, either you are a missionary or you like this person. There is something about eye contact that makes me feel like someone is staring into my soul and breaking down some kind of invisible barrier. It does not mean "I want to kiss you." Whoever had that idea was wrong.
3. Short Hug Just friends... simply put.
4. Long Hug Either you are family or they are saying that their time with you has been amazing. They don't want to let go because that means saying goodbye and they are avoiding that.
5. Compliments Coming from the right person, it makes me feel adored. It causes me to want to shower that person with more of my attention and love.
6. Back and Hand Massages For me, this is a way to serve those I care for. It can be a little flirty too because I want to show off my skills. ;)
7. Random Texts I am thinking of you.

====This is where things move from I think you are pretty cool to I like you===

8. Cuddling I feel comfortable around you.
9. Private hand holding I want to get to know you more and see where this leads down the road.
10. Long Conversations Communication is important to me. If I can talk with someone for a long time, that definitely shows how interested I am in the person. That time talking reveals a lot and shows a connection that I might have with them. It shows how well someone can listen to me and how well we can relate. If you can't relate, the relationship fades, thus showing that this person is not worth your time.
11. Giving gifts I would not spend money on someone else's husband for noreason. I have to really really like the person to buy them something and to go out my way to do cute surprises. When someone does this for me, it signifies that they really like me. But it does not make me feel loved.
12. A kiss on the cheek I really like you, but I respect you enough to not kiss you until I am committed.
13. Glances and nudges in public. Even though I can't be near you right now, I still want you to know how much you mean to me.
14. Future Plans This is a hint that leads to a more committed relationship. It shows that the person is planning on having you in their life for a while. If this is done more "just for fun," it feels like leading the other person on.
15. Jealousy This is a good key indicator that if you do not like seeing someone you like with someone else, you might want to have a DTR. I feel flattered if a guy gets jealous (if I like him... otherwise I feel bad) because it means he doesn't want to see me with anyone else but himself. If I am jealous, I usually want that guy to become my boyfriend. (*point on usually)

---------This is the line where things move from "I like you." to "I want to date you." in my book.-------

16. Public hand holding I want everyone to know how much I like you because I do not want others to date you. You are mine and I am proud of it.
17. A small peck You are special to me.
18. A long kiss I am falling for you.
19. A hello/goodbye kiss I missed you/ I am going to miss you.
20. Saying "I love you" To me this means "I really can see this going somewhere special and I want to give this relationship as much as I can. My happiness is reliant on your happiness." It is a phrase filled with commitment.
21. Sacrifice I real relationship takes sacrifice. It is no longer about me and what I want. If I love someone, I will do whatever I can to make them happy whether it is making them lunch and taking it to them out of my way, running an errand for them, moving my schedule to fit theirs because they are busy with school or work, etc. A healthy relationship is where both people make sacrifices for each other and it is not just one sided (I have seen that happen to a lot of people and it falls apart if it is one sided)
22. Intro to the family By intro, I mean actually spending time and hanging out with the family. Not a quick intro. It means that this is someone who I want my family to get to know because I think it is possible they could become something more in the future and I want my family's opinion about them. (of coarse this can be dependent on whether or not you were just friends when you met them or not... it is a good chance to see them for who they really are... and thus could be in the "I like you" section as well. That is not normally the case for me though.)

I don't know when I changed, but that line was very fuzzy a few years ago. The more I date, the more I realize how much different actions mean to me. To be honest, even I am not perfect in following my own definitions of what each action means to me. I sometimes get caught up in the moment and skip over a step and fumble. But I do know that actions speak louder than words. I guess I am defining these because I have gone on 1000s of dates in my life and there are a lot of misinterpretations which only lead to sorrow and confusion. I do not want to kiss a guy just because we had a really fun date. I want to kiss a guy because I have fallen for him and he is someone I can see myself with for quite some time. I want holding hands, cuddling, and all that cute stuff that comes with dating to actually mean something to me. I do not want to turn back into that "cuddle slut" I called myself before my mission because I am a daughter of God and I do not think he would be happy if he saw mine or anyone else's actions leading someone on to getting hurt later down the road.

I guess the key to a real relationship moving at the correct pace and being interpreted correctly is through the spirit. Just as I said, where communication is misunderstood, the spirit can fill in the gaps and lead us in daily decisions. The hard part is following those promptings and being open for the chance that we could get hurt as well. Healthy humble communication is a work in progress. At least now any guy who reads this blog will understand what they should/n't do when dating me.

The Rhythm of Life

We all have a song that describes our life similar to one of those 20 minute long symphony pieces where it flows in and out of different tempos transitioning from pianissimo to forte within short and long periods of time. These kind of pieces draw us and and our heart moves with it. They describe a story and paint a picture with each beautiful note. The question is, what kind of music is describing my life? How is my rhythm affecting those listening?

Yes, I believe that music really affects us and those around us. Why is that? I am the kind of person who likes to listen to music that matches my mood. Sunday: spiritual MoTab, EFY, Paul Cardel, etc. Relationship drama: Kelly Clarkson, Hoobastank, Jason Mraz, We the Kings, Jordan Sparks, Good Charlotte, Taylor Swift, etc. Chillin with my friends: Spice Girls (haha), Linkin Park, Cold Play, ABBA, Rascal Flats, Enchanted, etc. Hip hop time: Flo Rider, Rihanna, Jason Derulo, etc. What does listening to music that relays my current emotion do? All it does is emphasize that emotion and make it more prominent. In some cases, that could be healthy. In other's not so much. For example, hip hop is great. I love dancing and expressing myself. But if I am not careful, some of those lyrics can be inappropriate according to my beliefs and will influence me in a negative way. Another example... a breakup or someone does something annoying. If you listen to music that relates to those, all it will do is make you more upset about the situation and the music influences you once more. Music really does affect our emotions and desires; it affects our attitudes and behaviors.

There were several occasions over the past month where this realization of music affecting who we are stood out to me. One was when I just sat with your friend my friend (we will call her Kay). She is someone who I have always looked up to, and in that moment, I noticed the kind of person I want to be when I am around her. It hit me mainly when we were sitting around the kitchen table after discussing our upcoming camping trip and listening to music trying to get ideas of what to listen to during the many hours of driving. The only kind of music I wanted to listen to around Kay was wholesome and uplifting... not the kind of music that we hear on the radio every day. It hit me once more when I visited my friend (we will call him Joe) at his new apt at college. He was doing an apt check while I chilled on the couch. The music playing from Joe's room was very calming and gave my mind room to think feel at ease. This friend is also someone who I would not want to listen to certain music around. Then once more I felt the influence of music last week. I had just started school and was confused over many things had happened over the previous week with boys and roommates and whether or not I made the right decision in not returning to USU. I could have dwelled on these matters, but instead, I turned on my Sunday track and opened up my scriptures. I felt peace that Heavenly Father is looking out for me. I think about the blessings he has given me lately and could not be more grateful for them. He has given me uplifting friends, a nice apt, random people on campus to help me out whether it is rides to FHE and school, a new friend or two on the bus, or free lunch for a day. He is taking care of me.

Anyway, music has a large influence in our lives every day. I hope we can clear out the kind that pulls us into negative emotions and only listen to uplifting music that brings smiles to our faces. For example, the song Firework by Katy Perry makes me feel like I can do anything... I love it! I love life. And I love the gospel not only for the truths it teaches, but for the kind of person it is making me into. It is creating the next movement of my symphony into a beautiful melodic chapter of my life. I only pray to transform it into a masterpiece that will influence those around me for the better.

New Leaf. :)

I have been home from my mission for 5 months now and what have I done with my time? As far as any blog reader might see, it appears that I complain about boys or singles wards or whatever is bothering me at the time. I am done complaining. No one likes a complainer... I know I don't. People who are down on themselves are not fun to be around. (of coarse we all need a listening ear once in a while, but who am I kidding to think an online public blog is the best place for that?)

Anyway, I am turning over a new leaf. I am going to do what every other LDS blogger does in the state of Utah and share my uplifting insights with the world. Which could be something I read in the scriptures for the day, a miracle that happened, or even an tale to tell of an adventure I went on.

To begin, I have a story: During my 2nd transfer on my mission, all the sister missionaries were given a miracle calendar. I didn't think anything of it at first. Each day we would write down a miracle or 2 for the day. It wasn't until I was going through a rough time that I pulled out my old calendars and realized just how much Heavenly Father blesses me each and every day and I really have no reason to be sad. Those memories carried me through the next year.

Since I have been home, I have seen 1000s of miracles. Where to begin?
1. My JobWhen I found my job, I applied at midnight, followed by the interview on day 2, and started working Monday where I found out only 10% of applicants are accepted. Miracle, eller hur?
2. Finding my car. It was listed on KSL for 4500 when my budget was 3500, but we felt like checking it out anyway. It was well taken care of, low mileage, v6 engine, power seats, cruise control, auto start, good radio system, Toyota Camry, etc. I was willing to pay 4100, but the guy selling it said that we were such honest people that he gave it to me for 3700... much lower than blue book value. MIRACLE!
3. Family My relationship with my dad is amazing. After my mission, I find that I now can sit and talk to my dad in the kitchen for hours on end. He even gave me a real birthday present this year instead of relying on my mom to choose one... I felt very touched by that. Long lasting miracle.
4. Families are forever. Every single member of my immediate family are all still active members of the church. I have seen many families split apart when Satan gets in the way. When I think about how we are all striving for that eternal goal, it brings me great joy.
5. True friends. They are few and far between, but they are there. People accept you for you and sincerely care about you should be held close and cherished. I had the opportunity to live with my married best friend for a month while her husband was on a work trip. And next week I am headed to Zions with 3 people who mean the world to me. Friendship does last forever.
6. Life's Lessons. Lessons learned turn into miracles because we would have never learned from them if we hadn't gone through that hard time. I have learned this summer what I am looking for in a future husband from the many 1st dates I have been on. I have learned that I like to feel needed at work and in life and if I am not progressing, I feel restless. I have learned that when all is said and done, the gospel really is the foundation of our lives that keeps us steady through the storms in life. Lessons given to us from life are miralces!
7. Time. Today I went on a long walk with my mom where we talked about memories in time, boys, family, ourselves, goals, etc. That time is precious to me. I work 50 hrs/week and barely have time for myself, so it was a gift to be with my mom.

I could list off so many others. Miracles happen every day of our lives. This blog today was inspired by a few things. First, I started to read the Book of Mormon again and I read the first verse. When I read "born of goodly parents," my mind started to wander to my mom. She is someone I admire and would love to become. She always puts her kids before herself. How can I become someone like her? The second inspiration came from a friend who a few weeks ago read my previous blog and called me and mentioned how worried he was. I do not want people to see me in that light. Thirdly, this same said person spreads their own light to others and I want to do the same. I want to become the best me I can. I believe that having a blog focused on inspiration will help me grow and reflect on things that matter most. Everything we choose to do in life begins with our actions. It is never too late to choose to grow from good to better. My time is now.

"Singles" Wards

I always loved singles ward up at college and whenever someone told me how much they disliked them,I never understood why... until now. What is the difference? Is it because I served a mission? Or maybe the ward members? Or maybe the location of the ward. Either way, I am not a fan of them at all.

Singles Ward Observations:

Girls try to hard to impress the guys, there are too many "on my mission..." stories, reverence at in the sacrament room is very limited before the meeting begins, and the mention of dating and getting married is brought into every lesson and opportunity available.

Family Ward Observations:

The women don't care as much about themselves but care more about those around them, in the lessons everyone draws off of current real life situations we all relate to, besides the kids that like to play in the seats, each parent is attentively listening and there to learn, and the gospel principles are the only thing taught within all the lessons.

Okay, so maybe I am over-exaggerating, but honestly, I would much rather attend a family ward than my singles ward. I don't fit in there anymore. The reason I say this is because your ward is supposed to be a family, right? You take care for each other and watch over each other. Not in a singles ward. How many girls in my Relief Society even notice me? There is not very much relief for me there. I wanted to change that. I tried to get to know the girls. I threw a party just for them so I could sincerely learn about all of these amazing daughters of God. I wrote out invitations, asked around to see when would be good, etc. I picked a day that I know I least 7 girls said for sure they would be able to make it. I bought refreshments, decorated, etc. I was so excited to finally make some progress in the ward. The time comes... no one is here. It is Mormon standard time, right? I am sure they will come. 1.5 hours come and even those who texted they would be late do not show up. I guess there is a reason it is called a "singles" ward. Family does not exist there... at least not as far as I can see. The frustrating part of this all is how much it bothers me. I want friends in my ward, I want to feel important and needed and wanted at church. Since I have been home, there have been no visiting teachers or home teachers. Nothing. People only come to find a husband and move on with their lives.

For all you single people reading this, take some time to think. How many people do you remember from your past singles wards? How many of those people do you keep in touch with? How often do you put on a smiling face to say "Hello, how are you?" and really want to know how that person is doing? When I ask, "how are you?" I mean it.... or I try to. I love it when people are honest and tell me about their week and share with me what brought them joy or happiness.

To complete the circle, I will go back to the difference between my ward now compared to my college ward. My ward in Logan was amazing. We were all friends with each other. Half of us who went there lived outside the boundaries, but we refused to leave because we felt like family and belonged there. If I missed a single day of church, someone noticed and would give me a call to see if I was okay. I loved it. I miss it. I learned a great deal about reaching out and loving everyone around me. I pray that each ward can get over their difference and spread the love of God to those around them.

The Dating Game

Let me explain my least favorite game in the world. It is one I lose at because I try to break the rules. I want to play it my own way, but the society around me keeps telling me otherwise. This is THE DATING GAME.

Meat Week
The dating game begins with "meat week" both in church and at school where everyone dresses up each day as if they are going to the prom and is on the look out for the single people they can sit by and flirt with.

The Interview
Following the meeting and greeting, eventually an exchange of numbers is made. You no longer have to dress up as a public resume, but now you have to go in for an interview. What is your major? How many people are in your family? What are your dreams? Worst fears? etc. The list goes on and on and on.

Training Period
Most great jobs have a test you have to pass at the end of training. I guess this is the time you train the other person about your expectations and you over exaggarate just how "amazing" you are so you can get the position. My dad says that any guy dating me is at his best. If I don't like him while dating him, there is no way I will like him when I get married. Very true. The test is finally the big DTR. Determine the relationship. "are we a couple?" "are we just friends?"

Quarterly Review
Okay, so eventually, the training went well. They proved to perform AMAZING on their test. But after 3 months, you usually need another DTR. You have come to understand who each other is. You can see the growth that each other has had over the past 3 months. The efforts put in initially start to die down and you are left with reality. Am I really cut out for this job? Is this my dream job I want? or am I settling?

A raise
The raise might be a better position or more money. Either way, we all like raises, right? the Engagement comes, the knot gets tied, and you are eternally happy, right?


Well, I guess the point is, dating is predictable. I am tired of the interview. It is silly how we spend so much time trying to convince someone to like us based upon our accomplishments and talents when in all reality it is how well your personalities mesh together that matter. Shania Twain's song "that don't impress me much" is SO true. I could care less if you were in a band or made 100,000 a year after graduation or built your own house or were a computer programmer for Pixar or fly an airplane. This is all great, but my real question is; do I enjoy your company? Can we talk? Lets just hang out, be friends, and we will find out. When the time is right, it will be right. I don't want to care what I look like for a specific person. I don't want to talk to a guy and have him think I am interested in him. I want friends. If something happens, so be it. But I am not looking for a boyfriend. I am looking for friends that uplift me and I enjoy being around. The pressure of being in a relationship and getting married leaves when your perspective changes. I don't care if saying I just want to hang out and have fun is breaking the rules of the game, but if it is, so be it. If anyone is with me, hit me up. We will chill, have fun, and come what may and love it. PEACE!

6 Destructive Ds.

I often find myself disappointed with life. Why is that? There is no reasonable reason. To be frank, it is the adversary's way to sneak into the lives of those who are on the strait and narrow path. I just read today that the Six Destructive Ds are doubt, discouragement, distraction, lack of diligence, disobedience, and disbelief which all erode and destroy our faith. It is true... it is the frog in water experiment. We are slowly lead away as we get focused on everything wrong going on in our lives. I can see it happening in my life right now:

I get home expecting a job to fall in my lap and a man on my arm and schooling to flow into my life with ease. Boy was I setting myself up, wasn't I? We all saw that happening. Well, I began to doubt that my life would ever get organized. I became discouraged as I saw everything fall apart. I was denied from BYU, there was no chemistry with the guy who waited for me, and I sat at home day in and day out distracted by the idea of life. I did not want to face that everything fell apart. I did not want to accept the change that occurred in my life. This distraction lead to be the only living thought in my head. I tried to not think about it... I hung out with old friends I had not seen in a while, watched conference, went on dates, etc. It availed to nothing. I don't fit in my old life anymore. I felt out of place and tried to rush life. What happens when you become rushed? You forget the things that matter most. I have found it hard to read my scriptures every day. I have found myself sleeping in more. I have found myself sinking into old habits. My diligence is lacking and I know it. And that is where I am today as I write this blog. All it took was 3 weeks. I want to cry. I want to rewind. I want to return to being a missionary where you never had to worry about yourself. But the fact is, I am here now. I am back in the world.

I have heard time and time again, the world is like the ocean. If you are not moving constantly towards the shore each day, the tide will drag you in. I REFUSE to let the next D happen. I have been attending the temple each week, and the simple answer I get to the confusing mess I am in is to continually read the scriptures each day. It is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Having faith that Heavenly Father is taking care of your life is a choice. Challenging times require greater spiritual power. Consider carefully the Savior’s promise: “If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me” How do we gain this spiritual power? Prayer and scripture study. Why is it so hard? Because the adversary does not want us to be happy.

I found a great talk called "Home From a Mission." I guess what I am going through is quite normal? The hardest part of it all for me is going through it alone. Just like the talk said, I put on an act in front of those I care about. I do not want others to worry. I keep telling myself before I hit the call button, "Why do you need to go complain to someone now? You didn't as a missionary." Then I close my phone and get on my knees. That doesn't help me from feeling lost and confused with my life. Happily, I got a job, but is this where I am needed? I do not know. I don't feel guided or comforted by any decision I make. I don't feel needed or wanted here in Utah. All I want right now are some close friends who really want me in their lives. Is that too much to ask for? Maybe I will just disappear for now. No one would even notice. ugh... okay, so i am just typing the thoughts in my head right now, but this is how I feel. I want to start over. But I am impatient. I want a new life now. I am so stubborn. I want to feel wanted.

It all goes back to our savior Jesus Christ in the end. How much faith do I have in him? How often am I turning to him each day? Am I doing everything he asks of me before I think of myself? I know where I am struggling. And those personal daily decisions to follow our saviors example are within our control. There are 5 things needed on a daily basis for a 5star day: Daily Scripture study, daily prayer, service, a smile, and a sacred grove moment. I know I can make a change starting NOW. Wish me luck! (aka... pray for me)

Honey! I'm home!

Can you believe it? After 18 months of service to Heavenly Father, I have returned from a full time mission. I never thought this day would come. While I was in Sweden, my life here at home felt like a dream. It was as if I had always been a missionary my entire life and all those missionaries who went home were not really home. They were serving somewhere else. I thought of it like the movie "The Island." Maybe our life before the mission was only programmed into our heads and when we were "going home," our clones in the real world needed us. haha. joking. But I honestly felt like I could and would be a missionary forever. The people in Sweden became my family. I loved them there. I loved the language. I loved focusing on everyone except for myself. Missionary work is one of the most fulfilling callings God can give us.

There were a lot of ups and downs on my mission. They say that a mission is 50 years of emotions and experiences crammed into 2 years (in my case, 18 months). I agree with this. With the greatest downs come the greatest ups. And those amazing moments make the entire experience worth it. I will give you a summary of my mission:
MTC: spiritual bootcamp where I realized I knew nothing and my testimony was broken down and rebuilt on a true foundation of Christ
I arrived in Norrkoping, Sweden and had culture shock. I had taken everything at home for granted and felt VERY homesick.
We had my first baptism. His name is Samuel. He is full of interesting ideas... many of which I could barely understand with my limited Swedish, but he had the faith of a Child which is all one needs to enter the kingdom of God.
We had a creepy stalker guy that I had nightmares about and would see everywhere.
I transferred to Goteborg, Sweden into a ward comparable to Utah and become an institute missionary. After 3 weeks, Fadi was baptized.
I felt pressured by the ward to do everything that was right and would get really down on myself when I made mistakes.
After weeks of cleaning tobacco out of his apartment and going through a quit smoking program, Christer entered the waters of baptism and was baptized by his son. The moment in the water embraced in each other’s arms brought tears to my eyes. This moment reminded me of the joy of the atonement and the love of God that he has for each and every one of us.
I was sad to leave. I had many ideas I wanted to bring to the area and I did not feel that my work was finished here. God had other plans. I was transferred to Uppsala to be tried in patience that I had never experienced before in my life.
The focus on strengthening the members was brought into play with our new Mission President. We developed memorable relationships and brought many to the knowledge of our savior Jesus Christ. Many testimonies were strengthened.
We were suddenly doubling out of the area. Whitewashing Uppsala. After my 4 months there and all the progress made, I felt very confused. Why? I asked that question many times and learned that we need to trust that Heavenly Father is taking care of this work.
Ely was baptized as a member of the church. She clung to my side and said it felt like a wedding and I was giving her away to Christ. She was so beautiful!
I had such amazing companions that I felt like it was too good to be true. I was having too much fun and started to get distracted because of it. Lesson learned... being companions with a best friend is not smart.
The reason I was needed to be in Goteborg came: Maria. The amazing daughter of God said she didn't believe in God, was not Mormon, hated Sister missionaries, etc. I became a friend to her. Slowly, her opinion changed and she came back to activity and now wants to serve a mission. Her change made my mission feel like it was fulfilled. I couldn't be happier as I saw her return to to temple.
Christmas did not feel the same this year. No snow (the previous year it was up to our waists in some areas), no presents (they were late), institute was closed, etc. I found myself comparing it too much to my greenie transfer where I felt like family.
I felt like a tool in God's hands. Zaher got baptized along with Khalil, Jan/Ali, and Li. They were prepared and are some of the strongest converts I know. I am very thankful to be a part of that beautiful experience. :)
Emergency transfers happened to me 2 times... which was hard because I loved my companions at the time and the sudden move took quite the adjustment.
My last transfer in Gavle was the best I had ever worked. We worked out to P90X every morning(with permission) and we used every second of every day being 100% obedient... the most accomplished I have ever felt on my mission. Miracle after miracle happened as we found several families to teach the gospel of Jesus Christ to followed by Annicka coming back to church my last Sunday and promising to follow the example of Christ and renew her baptismal covenant each week at church.
My grandpa received pancreatic cancer while I was in Goteborg. I went through a hard time when I found out and even had to talk to my grandpa with how much pain he was in so he could leave in peace. One month before I finished my mission, I received a phone call from my mission president telling me that he had passed on. I was a tearful wreck. Throughout the process, many amazing priesthood blessings were given and I was comforted. I know my grandpa has a work to perform on the other side and that is why he went from fit as a fiddle to gone in 3 months.
I learned how to love the way that Christ did. The book "A Heart Like His" changed my life. I learned that a mission is based on this love. Without it, nothing can be accomplished. I wanted to cry because of the love I felt for those people I met each and every day. This love drove me until my very last day.
I was not accepted into BYU. All of my plans for after the mission disappeared within moments and I felt utterly lost and confused.
Doing splits with the sisters 2 times in my mission was wonderful. It is amazing the impact you can have on people when you know you will only be with them for but a short time. I was surprised with my own boldness, confidence, and knowledge that came.

Looking back and months after the fact, you see the influence and effect you had on other people. You see how much you yourself have grown. I know now without a doubt how much Heavenly Father loves me. He watched out for me and placed me exactly where I was needed when I was needed. I know that the atonement is real. In a situation where you cannot call your mom or your best friend or even go watch a movie to relax, I learned how to rely on Him who suffered for each and every one of us. I felt his love and his comfort and I learned how to rely on him with every decision I made. One of the most important lessons I learned was how to raise my future family in the gospel. I am truly grateful for that lesson. If we are not teaching our children, the world will... its influence is real.

I already miss the land of Sweden. I miss Swedish. I miss worrying about others and not myself. I feel very blessed for the knowledge I obtained there. It has changed my life.


Welcome to the new Kendra.

Mission Call!!!

This is the moment you all have been waiting for! Well, it is the moment I have been anxiously counting down to at least. I had tons of people guessing where I would go, but no one got it right. I was utterly shocked when I found out. This place didn't even cross my mind. And where might this amazing place be? I am going to the Stockholm Sweden Mission!!!!

Originally the letter said I was leaving to the MTC Oct 27th. I figured 2 months wasn't too bad. I would get to visit Kalli in Tennessee for 2 weeks after my week long road trip with Anneliesa to California and then maybe visit Logan for a week at the end of Sept and that gave me a good month to get ready at my own pace. I guess I was wrong because the Stake President called up my mom today to tell her that my date on my letter was a mistake. I then had to choose between leaving December 29th or September 29th. Most people think December because I would get to spend Christmas with my family and I wouldn't be so rushed to get ready, but honestly, I DON'T want to wait that long. I want to get out and serve! So I might miss a couple Christmases with my family. I had already come that conclusion and felt at peace with it. Besides, the idea of 2 Christmases in Sweden sounds amazing! So I chose Sept 29th. Yes, I am still visiting my sister in Tennessee... the tickets were non-refundable. So that gives me 2 weeks to get ready... can I do it? I think so. Pray for me! I have lots to do it, but I honestly believe I can. I am needed out there and don't want to put any delay on doing so.

Sweden will be amazing! I decided to do a little research so I know exactly what to expect when I leave the MTC with as much Swedish learned possible in 2 or so months. I found out they are the 2nd most heavy Coffee drinkers in the world. You always seem to find bread, cheese, potatoes, and pork at almost every meal. And it is normal to have sweets available at all times. I hope I don't gain weight.... :S On the plus side, they eat smaller portions and work out more than Americans (according to Wikipedia). Here are some fun random facts: you can't turn right at a red light, the sun rises at 3:30 during the summer and sets at 3:30 during the winter (brrrr), Recycling is taken so seriously they have camera's watching you to make sure it is done properly, on Easter they go trick-or-treating, Sweden is considered the leader in Gender equality, most people in Sweden wear hats with propellers on them (AWESOME!), people go sun crazy wearing bikinis and swim suits and such to get tan when it is only 10 degrees Celsius.. apparently if you don't get some sun you are considered a nerd or sick(crazy people), etc. Well, it looks like I have lots to look forward to. This will be an amazing 18 months!!! :D

Farewell Forever!

How do I summarize my past 3 summers in Idaho? Lonely, boring yet dramatic, self discovery, the best and the worst, claustrophobic, etc. And now that I leave forever tomorrow after I get off work, I am not going to miss this retched town one little bit. Good riddance, farewell, adios, goodbye, ciao, au revoir, sayonara!

I won't miss the rumors. I won't miss the farmboy tough guy attitude all the guys seem to have. I won't miss the stupid Idaho wind. I won't miss having nothing to do... ever.. unless you know someone with a boat. I won't miss the farm smell that lingers everywhere you go. I won't miss a single person here... because no one freakin realizes I exsist outside of singles activities. I won't miss how judgemental people are. I won't miss how expensive it is to visit my real friends in Utah. I won't miss going on work trips every other week. Yes, I made some good memories... and some friends along with those. But the thing is... I don't even talk to them anymore. My 2 friends I made my first summer didn't talk to me when I returned the next year. My friends I made my second summer stopped talking to me when I broke up with my ex which makes me feel like they were never really my friends to begin with. And now the only people I have become friends with this summer are ironically, the ones who moved here from Utah; yet I doubt I will even keep in touch with them. I never want to visit or even speak of this place again. I am done with it all and putting it behind me. What good are these happy memories if these people aren't even a part of your life anymore.

In fact, I am going on a mission soon and plan on saying farewell to a lot more than just a stupid small town in Idaho. These "so called friends" exsist everywhere. In fact, I admit to having been that "so called friend" before that stopped caring about being a part of someone's life. I don't know where I am going with this, but I am saying goodbye to everyone I met at college. I don't plan on you being around when I come home. If you are, great! We'll catch up. If not, good luck with life. Goodbye Corey, you were the one friend I had in my major and now you are getting married. Goodbye Brittnie, you were a great roommate, but I am just invisible everytime you get in another relationship. Goodbye Scott, you were the best boyfriend I have ever had and whoever you end up with will be the luckiest girl in the world. Goodbye all! People move on whether you want them to or not. My big group I had at the beginning of college has all moved on... 2 moved to provo (Nancy and Stacy), 1 to Virginia (Shadie), another joined the sorority (Ashley) and other friends I have made just stink at keeping in contact with me (*cough* Matt *cough*). So goodbye for the billionth time. I will not miss you.

Of coarse I will miss some people, but those are few. There is Anneliesa who is my best friend in the whole wide world! She always is there for me, calls me almost daily, and I have an unspoken bond with that we will have for eternity. There is Amy who gives the best advice and she always knows what to say to lift me up spiritually. There is Katrina who I have known since I was born, and although she is married, we will always be friends forever! And my family will always be there. Without these amazing people, I would be lost. I love them with all of my heart!

The Ugly Truth

The truth can be an ugly thing but so can gossip.... those evil words that people spread and others believe to be true. I have had 1 too many rumors about me lately up in this small town in Idaho. I hate it!  I had always heard that about small towns, but to actually be a part of it is not something I ever thought would happen to me. Too late... I have a reputation now that was forced upon me and I just want to get out of Idaho.

What is this reputation? Well, all these rumors about me are from last summer that I didn't know exsisted until a few weeks ago. One came from the army guy I dated for a month. I thought he was a great guy... I never did anything to make him dislike me I don't think. I thought we were still friends because I say friendly hellos and such at singles ward activities when I see him. We don't hang out or talk on the phone or anything, but I honestly thought he was a great guy. Well, he told my friend (who he didn't know was my friend) that I stalk him and don't stop texting him and calling him and he thinks I am obsesive and annoying. Does that even sound like me? ugh.. it explains why all the guys who are his friends don't even talk to me/ avoid me. Oh well... I could survive with this rumor.

Then a few days ago I was at the house of a guy I just met. He was pretty awesome... and the first guy I have liked in Idaho this summer when I find out his uncle's (who he is living with) sister was the best friend of the lady I have lived with the past 2 summers. Her and I never got along because I always felt like she was judging me, but I didn't think it was that bad. She had told this guy I liked along with who knows who else that I am a "skank" and she is pretty sure I slept with guys while I lived with her friend or whatever. Let me correct this... FALSE! Yes, I date around a lot... sure I even cuddle with guys easily, but I have NEVER slept with anyone! I am a virgin and proud of it baby! And this "skank" attitude she talks about was last summer when I went dating crazy for the first time in over a year and a half... I had a lot of pent up dating cravings... haha. It was also a phase that many people go through... I rarely date anymore and I don't want people to get the wrong idea.

Now that I have straightened out these ridiculous rumors, I would also like to address another ugly truth... Logan used me. I haven't talked to the guy in a month at least and he calls me up yesterday and admits he used me, says sorry, tells me he is no longer going on a mission because he doesn't feel it is right, and he is back together with his ex Amanda who he has been waiting for to return from California and meanwhile he used me because she wasn't there, but it is "okay" because she made out with a guy while she was gone too. He has hurt me more than any guy I have ever met! Just 2 months ago he was telling me how he still loved me and didn't want me to get over him and he would marry me if he could. RETARD! I don't trust him or any other stupid guy out there! I wish he hadn't called me... I wish I had never become attached to the guy... I wish a lot of things. But all I can do now is look to the future...

My bright wonderful future consists of me moving out of Idaho forever and never returning, going on a road trip with my best friend Anneliesa to California and visiting one of my other super good friends Candi, then the Tuesday after I get back from that week long trip, I get on an airplane to Tennessee to visit my sister Kalli for 2 weeks! Meanwhile, I will be preparing for a wonderful mission where I can become a tool in God's hand to help him spread his gospel that has given me more joy than I have ever known!  I can't wait! All this trouble right now is Satan throwing everything he can find at me to make me miserable, but I can get through it! I know I can! Well, I hope you enjoyed my dramatic life!!

Happy Birthday to ME!!

Tomorrow is my birthday! I should be excited, shouldn't I? I mean... I turn 21 for goodness sakes! I am taking the day off and my boss and coworkers simply say "if you wake up with a hangover, it is not my fault." or "I still expect to see you at work Monday even if you are partying all weekend and have a migrane." Simply put, no one believes me when I say I don't, haven't, and never will drink alcohol. Oh well... that doesn't mean I wont party!! My birthdays are always different every year. I plan on them being "just another day," but somehow, something fun and memorable always pops up last moment.

After graduation I don't even remember what I did for my birthday. I probably just spent it with Anneliesa and hung out like we usually did. And if I can remember right, she got me something from the mall I wanted since I paid for her to get her ears peirced when she turned 18.

2nd summer(2 years ago), I worked on my birthday. And while I was at work, I recieved a lovely sprained ankle... but on the bright side, I was up at Grassy Lake Dam in the middle of the forrest near Yellow Stone when it happened and had seen a black bear the day before this lovely event occured! And my coworkers made me a birthday pie. It was very memorable.

Last summer I had just gotten a boyfriend and he gave me some red roses, took me out to dinner, told me he loved me for the first time, and we ate his favorite cake, German chocolate, with his family. I was up on cloud 9 that day, but sadly, I am single again. Birthdays are always more enjoyable when you have a significant other to share it with.

I am pretty excited for my birthday this year, because one of my super good friends Megan is taking me to Lagoon! We are going to have tons of fun. Some might find Lagoon lame, but I grew up going there. I have even had season passes 2 years before. I love the Samari the most next to Wicked! I just love the adrenaline rush you get when you are flying through the air and who knows how many miles an hour! Maybe that is why I love motorcycles, jet skis, etc. I just love the thrill and the wind blowing through my hair!

This weekend will also be pretty exciting because my singles ward is having an all nighter at a boat dock! What couldn't be fun about that? I am only scared about keeping others awake with my horrible sleeping habits...haha... talk about embarrasing. So this birthday should be just as memorable as the previous ones. :)

So if I don't plan on drinking when I turn 21, what can I do that I couldn't do before? All I can think of is actually being able to go into a bar and order delicious bar food, go to 21+ clubs, and VEGAS!!! That is right... in August, Anneliesa and I are going to Vegas on our road trip to California. We don't have anything planned yet, but I am sure it will be loads of fun! But if you know of anything I can do and haven't thought of, let me know! Thanks for reading!

Epiphony about Drama

So I had an epiphony while driving the other day. A song inspired it... I don't know which one though. Anyway, I realized why there is so much drama with a lot of people. In the song it mentioned how you love someone so much, but when you don't feel loved by that person you fill in that void with other emotions which tend to be negative. And why would you want to fill it with those emotions? Well, because part of you WANTS to feel something from that person and since you can't get love, you settle for anything that comes to mind. So in all reality, if you find people that have emotionally hurt you, it is because you really care about what they think and that person means more to you than you even know. And this can be applied to any relationship... whether it is family, friends, or someone you like(ed). Which to me explains why I had such hard feelings towards my dad... because I haven't felt loved for 8 years, and now that is changing. :) And it also explains why I have trouble getting over some ex relationships... because even after breaking up, I want to feel something from them and this results in drama.

So if we don't want drama in our life, we need to come to terms with not feeling loved... which I have done. Over a week ago I completely stopped talking to my ex. Aren't you proud of me? haha.. some might think I will crack and wont be able to do it, but I feel so at peace with this choice for the first time. I don't want to date him anymore and I don't want to be a part of his family even though they are amazing people. And I am happy! :) Also, I saw my "unexpected" guy, who is in Vegas this summer, on Friday and guess what? I didn't want to be with him either! It is such a relief to have closure like this.

Life is great right now! I saw my bestest friend Anneliesa this last weekend and she sure filled my happy cup up, I have made my friendships with my best guyfriend Matt better, the guy I waited for on his mission (Scott) and I are still friends and I feel completely content with it, I am over guys, and I am going on a mission! Also, my birthday is this Thursday, I am going on a road trip with Anneliesa on Aug 20th, and I will be living with my sister Kalli starting Sept. 12th-ish. I have lots to look forward to! :)

Little Things

Many of us feel as if our life is dull, nothing ever happens, and all we do is the same boring routine of our life day after day after day. You are probably right, but there are little things that go unnoticed. I feel like I just work, read, and sleep, so I have decided to take this time to talk about all those unnoticed things in my life  besides me preparing for a mission.

1. My little sister is almost 16. She is now learning how to drive and at first I was really scared being in the car with her. She was slow to react and very hesitant about everything she was doing. I found myself thinking "she's not ready!" but then I think about the driver I was when I was her age. My first time on the road I thought it was so awesome and ended up accidentally driving on the curb real quick... *eek* I guess I have no room to talk, but I find that I am more protective about my younger sister than anyone else I know. I worry about her, and the idea of her growing up scares me. But every time I visit home, she is more and more grown up and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I can only imagine how much harder it will be for me to see my own kids grow up!
2. One of my best friends since I was born got married June 15th (which is also my parent's anniversary) to her the man she has dated for the past 2 years. I've never seen a more perfect couple! They are finally sealed for time and for all eternity in the Salt Lake City temple. I was her bridesmaid/Maid of Honor and it was an unforgettable experience. I was able to plan her batchelorette party, do her hair for both her wedding and her reception on July 10th, and all the little odds and ends my "2nd family" needed help with. 2 completely different days a month a part in celebration of the marriage of these 2 amazing people. I can't wait until I feel that LOVE that everyone describes that is enough to marry the person. I have come close, but not to that extent. 
3. I just finished my 10th book of the summer!  I have read The Host, Pride and Prejudice, First Love and Forever, 2nd Chances, Now and Forever, In Search of Heaven, A Quiet Promise, At Heaven's Door, Timeless Waltz, and The Gable Faces East. I have become hooked on reading!
4. Slowly I have made a new friend in Burley. Her name in Megan and I didn't realize how much I appreciated her friendship until yesterday. She always brings a smile to my face and I know I will miss her when I move in August.
5. Staying friends is so important to me. As Anneliesa (who calls or texts me literally every day) said "The way I see it is a true friend takes time out of the day to say Hi and see how your doing. It doesn't have to be everyday but that way it shows that they care about you and are interested in your life."  When people show how much I mean to them, it says a lot. One of my good friends told me on Monday that I was genuine and not "fake" when she met me and even though i was dating her brother at the time, she knew we would stay friends no matter what happened. She was right! Another friend told me I am one of the first she can actually turn to talk to and she knows I wont turn on her like other people have. Knowing that these people care about me and to say these kind words to me touched me and made me feel very much less alone. I have friends out there who care about me no matter where I am or what I am doing. Actions speak a thousand words, and these along with many others I will never forget.
6. I went back to my natural hair color a couple weeks ago. At first I missed my blonde highlights a ton! But it is actually growing on me! I am happy to be a brunette again! :)
7. I recently spoke to my dad. And if you read my "why I hate men" blog, you will know I don't have kind feelings towards him, but I saw him a week ago for the first time since Christmas and we talked about everything that has come in between us, and for the first time I forgave him for how much he hurt me. He had no idea and people make mistakes. We decided to start over and talk more often. I still have trouble trusting that he will follow through, but it is a start and I pray that things will get better between us.

Those little things that happen always go unnoticed. I need to appreciate what goes on around me more often. Like that person who stops so I can cross the street, or my roommate who gave me the best rent price you could ever find in Burley, or maybe the future that keeps me hopeful, or the music I listen to and movies I watch, along with a healthy body, and let's not forget my mom who always has such great advice and my sisters who always want me to come visit and stay with them. There is so much to be grateful for! I love my life and I would never want to change anything (except for maybe taking the past out of the present and leaving it where it belongs... in the past). 

Preparation

Life makes me laugh sometimes. Not because it is funny, but because you always find those moments where life stinks or is confusing or something wierd or unexpected happens, but you just laugh because laughing makes you feel good and that little act of laughing can go a long way.

That was kinda off topic, but I like laughing, what can I say? Preparing for my mission has been going great. I just got back from visiting my family in Salt Lake City where I was able to visit the Dentist and Doctor for a physical. I passed both with flying colors! (thank goodness... I wouldn't want to have Terberculosis or anything odd like that) The downside... shots. *dun dun dun* I used to think I didn't mind shots, but that is probably because the last time I really had something injected into me was 10 years ago. I changed my mind. i am fine donating blood, but having a tetnus shot, and Hepatitis A and B shots flowing through my arms is not the most pleasant feeling. My right arm was the worst... it felt like a dead limb just hanging there for an hour. Ok, so I could move it, but I refrained from doing so.
On the plus side, I finished my online papers as well, so now the process has been turned over to my Bishop and I will get the special Bishop interview followed by my Stake President interview. Within weeks after that, I should recieve my call in the mail. I can't wait!!! I wonder where I will go... of coarse I want to go foreign... maybe Japan or Australia or somewhere in Europe, but I know I will go where I am needed. Yesterday I read an Ensign by Elder Ronald A. Rasband called The Divine Call of a Missionary. It was from the Priesthood session of this past General Conference and it talked about the process of deciding where the missionaries go. What really stood out to me most was when he said

"As the process began, a picture of the missionary to be assigned would come up on one of the computer screens. As each picture appeared, to me it was as if the missionary were in the room with us. Elder Eyring would then greet the missionary with his kind and endearing voice: "Good morning, Elder Reier or Sister Yang. How are you today?"”

The article also talked about when recieving revelation to where I missionary is supposed to go, the exact same mission is revealed to everyone who helps decide.

"As we were nearing the completion of that assignment meeting, a picture of a certain missionary appeared on the screen. I had the strongest prompting, the strongest of the morning, that the missionary we had before us was to be assigned to Japan. I did not know that Elder Eyring was going to ask me [if I knew] this one, but amazingly he did. I rather tentatively and humbly said to him, “Japan?” Elder Eyring responded immediately, “Yes, let’s go there.” And up on the computer screen the missions of Japan appeared. I instantly knew that the missionary was to go to the Japan Sapporo Mission.

Elder Eyring did not ask me the exact name of the mission, but he did assign that missionary to the Japan Sapporo Mission."

When I read this, the spirit confirmed in that moment that I would be sent where I was needed. The rest of the article gave me a lot of comfort and I got even more excited than ever to serve a mission! I will probably get my call in August, so if you have any guesses as to where I am going, feel free to post them. I have decided that whoever is closest will get my first letter after leaving the MTC and arriving in my mission.

Something else that I thought was quite funny was when I would tell people I have decided to go on a mission. I would start off by getting them all excited by saying I have big news. Most of them all thought I was engaged... haha... if they really knew my life, they would know I am FAR from that. And guess who several of them thought I was engaged to? Logan. It makes sense since we still love each other. He thought it was funny as well. If we wanted to be engaged, we would be, but no, we are both going on missions. And I honestly don't know if I would even want to marry him right now.
The other funny reaction which I find annoying at the same time is guys. I tell them I am going on a mission and suddenly they are interested in me. This makes no sense whatsoever. Oh well, I have made my decision, and few flattering comments and some attention will not disuade me! HA! The remaining reactions would be that of falling off a chair (Logan's mom), happy crying for me, and being so suprised they thought I was joking.

Well, that is my life. Not very interesting, but apparently I have a dozen readers that I didn't know exsisted until I found out they knew I was going on a mission because of my blog. Sorry if my life is dull, but I am really happy that some people are intersted... it means more than you know. Now if only I could get more comments! ;) well, until next time, this is Kendra saying "Don't forget to brush your teeth and say your prayers!" ... haha...

My Adventures

I am a Land Surveyor. When I tell people my job they simply state "oh, cool." I don't think the quite grasp what I do at work. The closest thing I can relate it to is Geocaching in rough terrain. If you don't know what geochaching is, then to describe my job I will tell you about my amazing work trip up at Ririe Resevoir about 20 miles east of Idaho Falls.

This week was very labor intensive. I have so many new cuts, bruises, calluses (ew... i know) and sore muscles than I know what to do with.
When I arrive at work, we simply set up a "base." This is kind of a reference point for the "points" we record that mark the property boundary. The points we found were mainly brass caps or concrete monuments. Anyway... I am not going to bore you with those details. The part that made this week so hard was that the "points" we were going after were hard to get to. I was climbing up and down 300-400 foot high basalt cliffs. Hard hiking + 90 degree weather + 10 hr work days + an encounter with a rattlesnake (at least it gave me an adrenaline rush to get out) + carrying equipment around with us the entire time = my legs feeling like jello by the end of each day. Okay... so I still don't think I explained just how hard my job actually is, but you will just have to take my word for it.

The week wasn't all that bad though. I enhanced my farmers tan, road around on 4-wheelers, found myself getting along with my work partner better than ever before (he is actually a pretty respectful guy), and I stayed in the BEST hotel my job has ever sent us to! It had cloud beds that I got sucked into, a pool, hot tub, workout center, and a great location near the mall next to the theater and Texas Roadhouse! In addition, the man I still can't seem to get over visited me both Tues and Wed night! :D And if he can make it to visit his family this weekend, I am invited over for the 4th of July.

I was glad he came to visit, I was finally able to tell him how I really felt and we talked about everything. He said if it were up to him, he would marry me right now, but the time is not right because we are both going on missions now. We both still love each other and when he thought I was trying to get over him, he didn't like it. He doesn't want me to move on. And just as always, we ended up kissing again and just as always, it made my heart flutter and melt into oblivion. You would think I would get used to the way he kisses, but it feels like a first kiss over and over and I absolutely love it! Of coarse this still confuses me, but I don't have to worry about it now that I am starting to fill out mission papers. Plus, I cherrish every moment we can just sit and talk and spend time together. We saw Eclipse together (which I liked a lot) and we went hot tubbing and just sat and talked forever. Saying goodbye was difficult. How come this is so much harder for me than it is for him. Somehow I think he has found peace about our situation which I seem to lack. I am more at peace than I was before, but still have trouble seeing it through his eyes.

Enough of me rambling... I am going to go home and catch up on some much needed sleep after a long work week and staying up too late. Happy July 4th! I hope I can have some fun... I don't have any solid plans just yet.

Enlightenment

I feel like my life has changed over night and although it is very unexpected, I am very excited for the future. How has my life changed?

First I want to reflect on the many life changing events that have happened to me over the past 21 years.

1. I was born! July 29th, 1989 was a great day for my mom to have her 3rd daughter. This wonderful event brought me to live with my family on earth. And believe me, my family is a big part of my life.

2. When I was 8 years old I became baptised a member of the LDS church and recieved the Holy Ghost, which has been the best companion to stay with me ever since. Yes, there were moments where I ignored promptings and didn't do what I should have, but without it, I would be lost.

3. When I was 13 years old, my dad moved out of our house and we had to forclose on our half million dollar home and move 5 girls into a small 2 bedroom basement until my mom, who is the most amazing woman I know, was able to provide for us by working 2 jobs without recieving child support, and we lived off of the church store house and government money provided. This was a struggling time in our life, but it truly made us all appreciate what we had and grow closer together than we had ever been in a while. The best part about it is that my mom's testimony never wavered during this great trial; her example is truly amazing to me.

4. At 15 years old I recieved my patriarchal blessing. To this day, this is one of my happiest memories. I will never forget what I felt and what was said. I love re-reading my blessing and gaining new insight into my life.

5. Then the double Ds came: driving and dating at 16 years old. I have had my baby... *cough* ...i mean my black Toyota Corola VE year 2000 since a month after my 16th birthday. It has been 5 years and I am super attached to it.. haha. Dating changed me by introducing me to the opposite sex. I grew up with all girls and really had no idea what guys were like besides when I saw them at school and I knew I was attracted to them. haha... I sure learned a lot!

6. Once I graduated high school I moved out of the house and up to Logan, UT to go to Utah State University. You grow up SO much living on your own. I am a completely different person now than I was in high school... and I am VERY happy about that. I have finished 3 whole years with 2 years of school left. Eventually I will graduate and start yet another chapter of my life.

Well, now we are caught up, but soon I am going to have yet another life changing event. No, I am not getting married... nowhere close. For the past several months nothing has seemed to work out for me and I have spent many night alone wishing I would have some kind of peace that Heavenly Father was leading me in the right direction or some kind of enlightenment on how I can get something out of this boring summer. After much determnation and never giving up, I finally recieved the greatest enlightenment I have ever experienced in my life. During a deep prayer I finally realized what it felt like to "give myself over to the Lord" and I literally told him I would do ANYTHING he asked me to. The answer came instantly and I felt so much peace and strength I cried because I was so happy.

Over the past few months I have also had people ask me if I was going to go on a mission when I turn 21, but I would always say "I have prayed about it and it is not for me." Honestly, I never prayed about it. I don't know if I was scared or if I honestly just never even considered going on one, but I just always said no. I guess Heavenly Father thinks otherwise, because in that moment of peace I knew I needed to serve a mission. I've never felt an answer so strongly before.

My life changed over night. One second I was planning a 4th year at school, but that will have to be put on hold. Goodbye school, work, computer, TV, music, boys, etc. Some might find that to be a sacrifice not worth making, but to me, I don't care. I want to go more than ever now! I feel like everything that has happened in my life has been pointing to this. Everything from relationships not working out, learning a new way to study scriptures, me waiting for a missionary, becoming overjoyed every time one of my friends joined the church, and even my mom and sister serving a mission when they were my age. I can't wait! First I need to finish filling out my papers.. haha. :)